Abundance & beyond

Once again, the lesson of trusting "manifestation" has shown its lovely self. At the beginning of this year one of my major wishes was to be shown, without doubt, that life will give me what it is I need and want. Show me that I could stand in awe and witness miracles arriving, without effort, without feeling the need to give in order to receive; to sit still and BE, to practice listening and being Feminine by letting go of worry, letting go of fear, letting go of our culture's conversation of push to do more, push to have more, push push push and work harder. I set out to re-define success, to create a new reality, a new way of living. I wanted to relax and breathe more deeply, to have slowness be the pace of my life, rather than looking at my goals with an anxious nervousness.

I could list out all the things that have unfolded perfectly, things that have seemingly plopped into my life out of nowhere, without me taking all the right "steps", all the right actions to get to that goal. But I want to share something so perfect and so big that even I am shocked!

At the beginning of August, I made a motivational woo woo sign to post at my desk, with these forecasted sales (forecast = committed = I must hit these numbers) :

August $125k

September $175k

October $ 75k

TOTAL Q4 = $375k

Then I wrote a ridiculously high goal of $600k, which is the amount to make up YTD and hit 100% of my quote. I almost laughed out loud at the $600k because given the economy it seemed beyond likely. August shaped up poorly. I booked $12k and entered September pretty much sick to my stomach with worry and panic. Despite that, every day I would re-calibrate and do my best to trust anything and everything that happened. I worked on receiving without effort, and allowed myself the things every day that help me stay relaxed, including short naps after lunch, exercise during the workday and then most importantly, a 20 minute meditation CD usually in the late afternoon.

Most people are usually shocked by my actual work schedule, but I've found that working from home is about maintaining a steady energy. It's about the gift of being able to pace my day in a way that gives me the most power. It's not about getting my 40 hours in. And, in fact, I work far less than would be expected if I were counting by hours of butt in the chair. When I try and describe this to people some scoff and say wow, what a lucky gig, and others really get what I'm trying to create. Does this mean I don't feel lucky? No. Does this mean I don't feel immense gratitude? No. I feel quite the opposite. I can't believe my life, pretty much every morning. And I mostly feel an awesome sense of grace and blessings. I thank that Spirit of the Universe, the flow, God, etc.

So, in September, things really started rolling and day after day orders came in. I kept hearing that cha-ching cash register sound. I ended up booking $483k that month. Add that to August bookings and I had $495k in Q4. This meant I was already past my bottom line goal of $375k! So after the ego strokes from my team and boss, not to mention the massage and Wii that I won, I rolled into October feeling kind of cocky and pretty lazy. However, the clock always resets at the beginning of the month and I started getting those calls from my manager, "how much are you committing to sell this month?"! Because I had promised to sell $75k in October, the last month and even Q4 to-date didn't matter.

I needed some more inspiration so I made another sign for October. Again, my sign had ridiculous goals. My bottom line was $100k. By the second to last week I had booked $40k, and I had three deals with would easily equal $100k. But, one two three, by the second to last day of the October all three deals had fallen through. That morning, after getting the final news, I burst into tears and threw myself on the bed, dejected and mad at my stupid sign. My mind said whatever, it is all luck. And I fucked up. I didn't work hard enough. This whole not working hard, not stressing, is just stupid. But again I forced myself to stop those negative thoughts and plugged myself in to my Millionaire Mind hypnosis CD.

Afterwards I walked back to my desk. And... there was a PO for $55k. Um, what? I looked at the PO several times because it had other hardware line items on it, just to make sure. And, because I like to suffer so much, I called Morgan and cried to her that all three of my (other) deals had fallen through. At the end of the conversation I slipped in that this other $55k PO had come in. She ever so kindly slapped me around and said DUH, celebrate!

After processing that, I felt kind of giddy and hopeful, so I called deal #1/3 and shockingly got the woman on the phone (for two weeks she hadn't returned my calls). I chatted her up a bit (she ends up telling me how she had lost 70 pounds in the past two years and does 150 *butt squeezes* during her morning commute), and then she put me on hold for a long time. She came back to say her Contracting Officer (final purchase approver), had been out with the flu. So she pulled the PO from the bottom to the top of his stack. And bam, within two hours, that deal came in. Feeling even more hopeful, I called deal #2/3 and the Partner says, it's so strange you called, I'm shocked to say this but I just got that PO! By the end of the next day, October 30th, the last day of the month, the last day of our fiscal year, deal #3/3 had come in. And that meant I booked $220k (see my sign and see the ridiculous stretch goal was $240k).

All told, Q4, I booked $627k. Notice my original sign says huge and silly goal of booking $600k for the Quarter. Yep. I'm still surprised. Gooooooo woo woo! Go intention! Go miracles!

So what do you want to manifest? Make a silly sign! Make yourself practice STOPPING your thoughts that don't believe, do what you need to do to relax and breathe deeply, and then watch it all come true...

Cycles

Mmmm,

sinking

feeling

watching

the change of seasons

once again, moving

into the death cycle,

time of hibernation

today, snow

tomorrow, sun

contrast

& bright light

I resist,

it persists

dark mornings

dark nights

let go, let go

fall into the earth

settle down

tuck me in

I'm here. I'm ready.

Visions

I woke up this morning with the image of beginning my morning by candlelight, stretching my body through yoga postures, filling my lungs with long deep breaths, taking a moment to sip my tea and take in the sunrise, then sitting down for my morning journaling (versus immediately grabbing my blackberry and reading empty emails, texts, facebook posts). Then, later, on my run, I imagined every day working on my art journal. There's something so fulfilling about making art. I think I need a workspace - how could I possibly squeeze anything else into my little condo?! Here's some of my recent pages:

Birthday Love

Delicate and wild,

your love for me

it never makes any sense

at all,

except to love

all the time

in every way

we are free

when we are love

FAMILY ~ Jazz Hands!

I'm sure a lot of people feel like I do, but I massively love my family. I have this big ol' family on both my mom and my dad's side. Over the years as all us cousins (and well, aunts and uncle as it turns out!) have grown up, more and more I just look at everyone and think, is being cool and fun a genetic trait? My grandfather re-married an Italian woman when my mom was about 20, right around when I was born, so my two aunts (Consuelo & Luciana) & uncle (Eduardo) are all around my age. So I really look up to them and expect them to set good moral examples. Hah! These pictures are from Eduardo's wedding last weekend.

snapshot

in this stillness
quiet, peaceful
I'm listening
without effort

my breath, movement
everything is soft
like the slow blossom
of a flower

the death of leaves,
a day's good-bye to the sun.
I'm moving in cycles, in circles
walking so gently

Thank you, dear friend,
thank you for seeing me,
especially for the applause
in all my wild messiness

Thank you for the reminder
to always be me

A Squam story

It ended with a bang. Well, actually it was more of a thud. I had arrived Wednesday for the Squam Artists Workshops, a four day artist’s retreat held at an exclusive “camp” on Squam lake in the woods of New Hampshire. Built in the early part of the 20th century, we discovered that the cabins stood exactly as they were originally built, back in the day when there was no such thing like the modern inventions of INDOOR HEATING and INSULATION. It gave new meaning to their website description of the camp’s “unique rustic simplicity”.

Mind you, it was mid-September and the nighttime temperatures would drop close to freezing. One of several interesting designs of this ghetto, I mean “rustic”, cabin were the thin doors. They weren’t sealed around the frame and the one inch gaps let in a lovely breeze. Behold the adventure of going from the living room to the bedroom: a) unlatch the living room door and enter the cold open air porch, b) close and try several times to re-latch the living room door behind you, c) race from the poor to unlatch bedroom door, work the latch a few times and slam the door behind you. Shiver, curse and repeat in reverse. Do you feel cold yet?

The first two nights we (Morgan, Rebecca and I) attempted to warm ourselves by the fire, but could do nothing except smoke up the whole room and set off the fire alarm. We settled for turns with the hair dryer, blowing the hot air up our shirts and down our pants for the heat. As it turned out, the wood was wet and we were saved by a special delivery of dry wood on Friday. Don’t know I would have survived without that fireplace along with the many hot showers and fluffy down comforters.

I really don’t think those of us who grew up on the west coast understand what a “camp” means in the Northeast. A boyfriend once described who grew up in Maine once described the summers they would spend at their friend’s camp. It sounded like heaven to me, sitting lakeside surrounded with acres of woods. But he shattered that fantasy and by saying it was more like sleeping in a shack and shitting in the woods than any place I’d willing to stay for the summer. But here I was at camp, like it or not, in the cool dark woods of New Hampshire, four nights of for-real-as-it-gets. At least we didn’t have to use an outhouse. And with this thought, here began my effort to focus my zoom lens on the brighter sides of the this experience.

I made myself get up that first morning and brave the cold for a run down a winding dirt trail among all those big thick tall trees. The lovely and brilliant moss greens, vibrant reds and yellows of leaves filled me up. After a forced six week break from a sprained ankle, my legs took hungry long strides and made my lungs burn. Later that morning I felt this strange body and head sensation and eventually realized it was runner’s high! Even though I run so often, and at high altitude, it’s like drinking coffee everyday, after a while you think buzz, what buzz? On that topic, I made the awfully rough decision to drink only black tea on the retreat. And while I would like to brag that I didn’t go near the stuff, I’m pretty sure the ½ pound of dark chocolate-covered almonds I ate pretty much equaled it out. But really I had to eat them, it would have been bad manners since Rebecca had brought them all the way from Switzerland.

When I wasn’t eating the espresso bullets, I did eat real food, lots of yummy food. Anxious for the ringing of the come-and-get-it bell, we would quickly pile into the dining hall and the room would hum with with 150 happy women. I’m famous for being able to down oddly large amounts of food, my excuse this time was valid - I had to pack on my winter layer! Wandering around at meals, my eyes drank in the sight of women in layers and layers of colorful patterned shirts, aprons, skirts, necklaces and rings, funky hats and fingerless knitted gloves. Once we got home, when Morgan showed up in a short blue ruffled shirt over a long sleeve light blue shirt, and we officially christened the look “Squamish”.

And what of the art classes? Day one, Poetry; I’m sure you can understand why the best part of that day was sitting in a rocking chair next to a warm fire. Day Two I nervously hauled my heavy backpack of brand new art supplies to the “Playbook” class (multi-media journal collaging). I'd never touched paints before and was so stoked by the fun wet mess it was. My red acrylic paint over there; my blue block stamp was over here, my water, my brushes, the pens and wax paper strewn about. Day Three I was tired. I skipped the morning class and leisurely soaked in the sun on our private dock and then inside the cabin became obssessed with the fire. Pretty sure that day I got high from the CO2 not the running.

When I finally strolled into my last afternoon class, "Storyweaving", I knew this was what I came for. The concise simple techniques have made a deep and lasting imprint on my writing. We were encouraged us to write about ourselves, to see that our everyday ordinary life might be fascinating, funny and downright interesting to other. Like, for example, who do you know who grew up with a Father who was a Hare Krishna?

Speaking of exciting, let me get back to the thud. There I was packing up Saturday night, rocking out on my ipod when something fell to the floor. It sounded like a longer, slippery fall, and much to my horror I realized mayday we had a bat on the floor! Instead of it rebounding off the floor and flying straight at my face (one of my worst fears), it slid and scraped its tiny wings back and forth on the floor, like making a snow angel. In a panic I was up on the bed screaming a high pitched “Ach! Ach! Ach!!”. My cabin-mates burst into the room thinking the cabin was on fire, only to find the poor little baby bat curled up into a teeny ball the size of a beanbag. Through some thoughtful planning, we decided send take it outside to its resting place by way of the dustpan mobile, as soon as Morgan picked it up we all screamed in unison as it wiggled again. Rest in peace?

But what does it all mean? Why am I telling you this story? I’m sitting here on the plane home wondering the same thing. While there are so many things I took away from this great weekend in the woods, there will always trying to make the best of that miserably cold and “uniquely rustic” cabin. One thing is for sure, if you want to make a real impression on someone (or just a good laugh) – throw them naked in a walk-in freezer. Toss in a marker or two, shove a book of poetry along with a beanbag with wings under the door and yell YOU’RE AN ARTIST, make something great! If they yell back, “god this is fun”, you know you’re in good company.

Post already!

Hello from Blog Slacker! I've as usual been out and around, having a great time in life. A few pics from my friend Julie's bday... one of my best friend's Katie... Niki with her twin JT (who pulled a Martha and made red velvet cupcakes) and daily crew of BFs Kate B, Shaya and Katie.

I just got back from a trip to San Diego and got to spend time with my two favorite cousins, Brooke and Morgan, Matt and my Aunt Nini. I could just cry by this picture of me squeezing them, they will always be my "little" girls.

And then here's just a super cute, as always, picture of Lulu & Sammy that KK sent me. And... someday, mark my words, I'm going to buy some music mixing software and be my own DJ. It will probably just be to record my own mash-ups, but I'm constantly surprised by how crappy DJs are in small club venues. Whatev's! Plug in my ipod Yo!

Love is Simple, Love is Kind

I have loved you
since we met
not with the handshake
but when you let me see
your melting heart
without resistance

Little coffee lover,

you are beautiful

I wish you could see

yourself through my eyes

And despite the gap

of differences,

like my affections

too much for you

And now it's closing,

transition...

a new story in the making

attachments, unwinding

a moment in time, sewn

So simple,

healing, unfolding

you graced me

with kindness

and remind me

.. everything is always okay

Spirituality is...

I was given a homework assignment to write about what I think spirituality is. Here's what came.

• Noticing the beauty of Nature
• Being out in Nature
• Yoga
• Taking good care of my physical body
• Being relaxed
• Trusting that everything works out
• Faith that my life path is unfolding
• Feeling grounded
• A sense of something bigger than me
• Feeling my "prayers" are answered
• Receiving signs that everything is okay
• Sensing messages of guidance
• Letting Spirit come through
• My gifts & talents shine through effortlessly
• I trust myself
• Writing without judgment, being in the flow
• Feeling supported by something bigger than me
• Meditation
• Seeing the bigger picture
• Knowing life is about spiritual growth
• Understanding my psychology
• Breaking through patterns
• Ability to let go
• Feeling of joy through all my days
• Laughter
• Hugging
• Expressing my love to you
• Supporting you
• Challenging you
• Receiving all of that in return
• Forgiveness
• Expressing and approving of all emotions
• Accepting me exactly as I am
• Ditty for accepting you
• Deep breathing
• Gratitude
• Silence

Did I missing anything?

Another Shamanic journey...

I invite my guide/helpers to help me re-establish connection with my body and be fully rooted in my body and into the earth to light up, heal and brighten this area. The womb a bright, white light hands coming around the back side, feeling of me sitting in her lap. I can feel the safety of being in that lap, then ripping me out of the lap, tension in my throat....my hands are lying in her palm...on her face.

She says I have a gift for you, something to offer to you for you to re-enter/take possession of your body again. There's an image of me bolting running away of the need to hide don't want to be hurt again, fear.

Mom's boyfriend tried to kill her. So we jumped out the window and ran. I thought I'd die. Pressure/pain in lower abs. no one's protecting me. I'm always ready to run. If I let go of that fear, I won't run and I’ll be trapped. I'm running down the ally with the garbage cans, crouching in a dark corner.....hide...hide...extreme adrenaline and survival.

She called him the next day to come get us. This is where I left my body...

She came to the dumpster (guide). We left the earth....what are you trying to grow through? It's to return to my body and own my power.... the part that could feel safe and comfortable in your body, that could settle in and be safe.

We moved to LA in high school. So different. I had to go numb to live. I felt paralyzed. I was looking over my shoulder.

(The Guide) She's taking my hand, you learned the only safety was in running leaving the world was not a safe place. Let us help you experience something different. Let's run together now. I just run, sprint, it feels so good. I come to the edge and dive off a cliff, a swan dive, as if into water, but suddently I’m a bird, flying. It's totally safe and feels so good not to be on the earth...I can feel the power of the beings. We invite you to come fly with us...I am one of your spirit helpers... I bring you the gift of perspective, of freedom, of presence in your body and in the moment.

I'm riding at the head of the flock and the golden Spirit birds are in a V behind me. I feel their presence, the safety of them behind me. Four of them swoop up under me, intetrlocking their wings and backs so I could rest on them. I nestle in, under their white pure feather, as if I'm in bed with the covers on. I don't want to go back.

A place of golden -their are hands on me. I'm on their lap. I'm back to that house. What would it be like to stand up to him? You can fly with spirit in your mind so you can afford to be present and in your body. But he has a gun...

In the hallway...the image of the gun is so powerful. I can't look around the corner at him, there is nothing I can do.

It would have been unwise to stand up to him then. Running was o.k., but if you live your life from that position, he's stolen something from you.

I'm smashing the windows of the house with a baseball bat. I'm taping the house up and he's inside. Duct tape.

Reclaim what was lost, reclaim your power, reclaim your right and ability to be present. Leave this behind you. It's in the past but take yourself with you invite yourself home...from here you can create peace in your world.

I can create in my mind a home. The little duck-taped house is tiny. My house is huge. It’s a retreat and a temple.

Bring home the part that couldn't trust her caretakers to take care of her..that couldn't trust the world or even her place in it..for you have much now that you can draw on.......Let them help immerse you in a warm salt bath to draw out the unneeded adrenaline, anxiety, worry. You can draw on what you need in times of danger, but you don't need it now.

There's anger over what was taken from me. How could she not protect us? How could you put us in that situation? How could you take us back to it? This man is crazy. Are you crazy? What part of you thinks this is o.k.? This wasn't fair or right. I'm leaving this behind. I'll protect myself. I'm safe. You're dangerous and I'm leaving. You stop. It’s unacceptable, shame on you. My sister is only six years old! I'm taking her and me. You're horrible and mean.

Image of taking your sister's hand and walking away towards the light. A feeling of a bigger being and comes down and you step into the palm. There's a whole glowing light inside. It's coming out in beams. Coming out of my body. Welcome home. The soul part returns. She's reconnecting with herself.

The volume has been up so high in my head because the lower chakras have been off/absent/disconnected. Be patient, gentle, kind. Everything's going to be alright. I can trust that I'll get past this. I will get in balance. Everything's progressing perfectly. I don't need to be afraid. Without the imbalance, I won't be able to see the strength of the balance. They are always here behind me. I can do art and journal about this.

Inspiring post - click on to enlarge

light shining

And so she spoke it all

moonlight shining

brilliant on her face

she spoke her secret

held so close

held by our listening

tears from her eyes

strolling down

her glow, letting go

the magic of women,

saying nothing

letting her unfold

Me and the Gun

He had a gun, you see.

What were we to do but run?
Middle of the night, out the window.
And so we ran.
To the neighbors, blue and red lights flashing.

He was going to kill her, kill my mom.
Lamp crashing,
"Get your shoes ready"...

Safely dropped off at the hotel,
when up he roared,
she ran after the cop car, banging the window...
I scooped up my sister and we crouched down
fear of him,
he was yelling and drunk,
arrested.

And then awaking,
she was on the phone,
asking him to pick us up.

I locked myself in the bathroom, refusing.
But what was I to do?
We had to go somewhere.

Rage, oh I was enraged.
So he reached behind and slapped me,
when she inside was paying the hotel bill.

What was I to do?
I won't stay here, I said.

Generously and heroically,
he flew us, yes, he was the pilot
in his four seater plane,
he flew us to my aunt's. My savior.

My poor baby sister, only six,
she huddled up in my lap,
terrified of the turbulence
and the sickening bumps of a small plane.

We walked away from her, from him
They faded into the distance,
I lost her, I lost myself.

And so I ran.
Barely sixteen, he had the gun.
And so I run.

I love my job '09

I changed my computer password to Ilovemyjob09 a few months ago, and it's almost bizarre how much that almost rings true today. I was so frustrated for so long about the difficulty of working from home and that was my focus every day. I woke up unmotivated to do much work and feeling like my job was sucking the lifeforce out of me. Today I feel enormouse gratitude to have so much space in my day that I can create my schedule each day in any way that works for me. I've been trying to focus on going to the gym in the morning, taking a relaxing lunch break and then closing out the day with a nice ritual to wrap up the work goo spilling into my space in the evening. Now that it's the last two months of the government fiscal year, where they realize it's time to dump their funds and fast, I've been pretty pumped up! It feels good to be busier. I made my little magic sales sheet with every deal I want to close. My quota is $435k and my "commit" or deals I promise to close is $375k. Given that I have best case $300k I can close, I am asking "the universe" to send me at least another $75k.