Friday, March 18, 2005


There's a lot on my mind so I kind of don't know where to start.

First of all, it's been just a little over one month since I have seen or talked to Ryan in person. Twice now I have seen his truck when I go into the gym and it's taken everything I have not to seek him out. I just crave a big hug from him. The problem is that we have such love for each other combined with strong chemistry... it just keeps our attachment to each other going and going and going, as it did for the year and four months post-breakup. I guess after being together four and a half years it just takes a while to let go. Everyone still asks about him and while I'll always know that he is well, happy and successful (such a 3!) I realize that someday I won't know the details of what he is up to and that makes me sad. I also know that it's really right that we're not talking right now because it would be really hard for him to watch me struggling through this pudding of unhappiness and grief. Thankfully though he supports what I am doing and knows what I am doing. That is nice to know. It's also nice to know you're out there checking in on me.

Next... Bette has urged me to focus on not changing anything in my life right now, to support myself with a small group of loving, encouraging friends who will be there for me through this time of healing. On that short list is Patricia, living with me, Dana and Katia. There are ancillary friends as well who know what I'm going through and have been so amazing for me. Last night there was a threat to the stability of this PLAN when Patricia's boyfriend Josh called saying he is miserable in Tucson and needs to get out of there (he's been planning on moving here in June). It really has thrown me. I feel really really anxious and scared about what I would do without her here right now. While I am so committed to supporting her and want to give back to her what she is giving to me, I can't help but want her to stay living here over the next two months. This has been such a sacred time for us, living together, getting to know each other, growing our relationship. We have so much fun together and I feel so safe with her. The other night we had a deep heart-to-heart sitting on the counters in my bathroom and I felt so known and encouraged. She reminded me that I'm going to be okay, that this was something I knew I had to do and this diving into the windows of depression / pain are healthy and necessary to be free. Whichever way it ends up, I know I want Josh out of his toxic environment - it's going to be great for him here in Boulder. They are going to rent Dana's place!!! I know we'll work it out.

Yesterday Bette put together a list of positive beliefs that I have created over the past year - she simply took them from notes at the end of previous sessions. I love these.

Positive Beliefs
I'm going to be okay
This is temporary
I can let go
I will shed this
I'm okay as I am
I don't have to force myself to be any other way right now
I can function when I need to, but don't have to force it
I give myself permission to heal
What I'm going through is valid
I have nothing to be ashamed of
This isn't my fault, I've done nothing wrong
I'm whole and healthy
It's okay to stay home (A LOT), be doing less
I am putting my job search aside for now
I am brave and strong
Okay I have to admit that this is perhaps the most personal list I have posted to date. It reminds me of those Saturday Night Live spoofs where they run "affirmations" across the screen. I felt a little dorky writing them out. Ah, well.
Signing off for now...


  1. Not dorky at all...very powerful. I'm proud of you and I KNOW you're going to be okay.

  2. Patricia3:47 PM

    Dito Katia! H, You ARE OK and will continue to be OK! Love You TONS and TONS!

  3. Anonymous1:32 AM

    This is good for me to read too, it helps in many more ways than you know.

    Love you, freckle face!