Tuesday, April 26, 2005

So this So that

Part One - October, 2003...

You're so together
so ambitious, you're going to be so successful someday
so polished
articulate, attractive, motivated
organized, computer savvy, intuitive, sharp

Then why am I unable to finish things I start
keep my motivation, sliding back into a cesspool of darkness
Why do I feel such despair and hopelessness,
IRRITABILITY, impatience, anxiety, frustration?

~Why so up and down~
Look the hell out, it's Oscar the grouch
this wicked wild woman in the mornings
who is troubled from her night's unrest

Seriously, I'm serious
- why can't I laugh more? cry much?
And why can't I get it together with money?
Have the abundance everyone has told me would be mine with my natural gifts?

what's wrong with me?

Why do I feel stained, self-conscious, unsure, so very NOT accomplished, lost
Certainly not deserving or happy or satisfied

Take take take I will suck you dry
Fiddle with
this learn more of that
I've tried everything I can put my hands on,
even tried "giving back", being of service...

It's time
because it's all crashing
breaking apart like velcro
rip
stop everything

... to be continued

8 comments:

  1. instant messanging with mom!6:28 AM

    katewtx19: Hey helen are you signed on??
    graceopenheart: hi momma!!!
    katewtx19: Hi Sweetie!
    graceopenheart: well it's 7:30 here
    graceopenheart: yay!
    graceopenheart: life time
    graceopenheart: oh my gosh yeah here we go baby
    katewtx19: when do you have to leave for work??
    graceopenheart: I never have to be there until 9 but this am I woke up when P got up at 5 and couldn't go back to bed
    graceopenheart: this is SO GREAT
    katewtx19: yeah!
    graceopenheart: woo hoo! we'll have to get patricia set up too
    katewtx19: so that's an incredible piece of writing on your blog
    katewtx19: so this so that
    katewtx19: you are an EXCELLENT writer!
    graceopenheart: thank you! that's one of the reasons I couldn't go back to bed b/c that was in my head
    graceopenheart: I look forward to the part 2!
    graceopenheart: I've edited it a couple of times, I'll send you the final
    katewtx19: well you know I was just thinking you could probably get published
    katewtx19: why don't youwrite a volume of poems & musings on your feelings
    katewtx19: they so are what everyone feels HB (that's honey bunny)
    katewtx19: yours are probably more intense because you are just more intense!
    katewtx19: than the average bear
    katewtx19: like on a scale of 1,000,000 to 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    graceopenheart: yup that's me right!
    katewtx19: yeah I know !!! LOL
    katewtx19: you are a chip off the old block

    ReplyDelete
  2. instant messanging with mom!6:35 AM

    graceopenheart: okay well realistically I need to finish balancing my checkbook and get going to work! even though I LOVE THIS.

    katewtx19: i was going to tell you that there really is a plan sweets, for all of us
    katewtx19: it takes patience patience patience & when you get all tense, I personally think it interferes with the gradual unfolding of the plan
    graceopenheart: oh you just brought tears to my eyes
    katewtx19: so not to make it harder on yourself!
    graceopenheart: even the painful times?
    katewtx19: yeah exactly
    katewtx19: trust the universe
    katewtx19: it really means the best for you
    katewtx19: and the painful times are the best learning times unfortunately

    ReplyDelete
  3. instant messanging with mom!6:36 AM

    katewtx19: HEy did you ever hear of a great little book called "The greatest Story Ever Told"?
    katewtx19: yeah i can see where her analysis is very good
    katewtx19: that little book helped me immensely years ago in AZ & i brought it here
    katewtx19: it has helped me again here phenomenally
    katewtx19: it's by Og mandino

    ReplyDelete
  4. Goodness, what a juicy, delicious deep post. And then to witness the support and love of your mama. It's beautiful. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yowza! That was deep indeed. How cool -- your mom does IM. My parents wouldn't have any idea how to do that...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous7:04 PM

    Dear Helen,

    It was so good to see you tonight. You are such a dear friend, and I feel so taken care of when I am around you. I did sense something though, maybe sadness, maybe just fatigue. I hope that you are well, and know how much I love you. And, I know it's strange, but sometimes I feel expressed by what you write in your blog. So, thank you for writing so authentically -- it makes a difference in my life. I do like the new look by the way.

    Love,
    Jamie

    ReplyDelete
  7. Mmm - so looking forward to spending time with you tonight - to exploring everything you expressed here. Just want to say that I agree with mama - gotta release, go with the flow of of the river, trust that you are right where you need to be. Know that you are enough, just as you are - whole and complete. Identity is fluid. Life is a journey. You are loved and will be more than okay.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey, could we get a new post around here?

    ReplyDelete