Tuesday, April 26, 2005

So this So that

Part One - October, 2003...

You're so together
so ambitious, you're going to be so successful someday
so polished
articulate, attractive, motivated
organized, computer savvy, intuitive, sharp

Then why am I unable to finish things I start
keep my motivation, sliding back into a cesspool of darkness
Why do I feel such despair and hopelessness,
IRRITABILITY, impatience, anxiety, frustration?

~Why so up and down~
Look the hell out, it's Oscar the grouch
this wicked wild woman in the mornings
who is troubled from her night's unrest

Seriously, I'm serious
- why can't I laugh more? cry much?
And why can't I get it together with money?
Have the abundance everyone has told me would be mine with my natural gifts?

what's wrong with me?

Why do I feel stained, self-conscious, unsure, so very NOT accomplished, lost
Certainly not deserving or happy or satisfied

Take take take I will suck you dry
Fiddle with
this learn more of that
I've tried everything I can put my hands on,
even tried "giving back", being of service...

It's time
because it's all crashing
breaking apart like velcro
stop everything

... to be continued


  1. instant messanging with mom!6:28 AM

    katewtx19: Hey helen are you signed on??
    graceopenheart: hi momma!!!
    katewtx19: Hi Sweetie!
    graceopenheart: well it's 7:30 here
    graceopenheart: yay!
    graceopenheart: life time
    graceopenheart: oh my gosh yeah here we go baby
    katewtx19: when do you have to leave for work??
    graceopenheart: I never have to be there until 9 but this am I woke up when P got up at 5 and couldn't go back to bed
    graceopenheart: this is SO GREAT
    katewtx19: yeah!
    graceopenheart: woo hoo! we'll have to get patricia set up too
    katewtx19: so that's an incredible piece of writing on your blog
    katewtx19: so this so that
    katewtx19: you are an EXCELLENT writer!
    graceopenheart: thank you! that's one of the reasons I couldn't go back to bed b/c that was in my head
    graceopenheart: I look forward to the part 2!
    graceopenheart: I've edited it a couple of times, I'll send you the final
    katewtx19: well you know I was just thinking you could probably get published
    katewtx19: why don't youwrite a volume of poems & musings on your feelings
    katewtx19: they so are what everyone feels HB (that's honey bunny)
    katewtx19: yours are probably more intense because you are just more intense!
    katewtx19: than the average bear
    katewtx19: like on a scale of 1,000,000 to 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    graceopenheart: yup that's me right!
    katewtx19: yeah I know !!! LOL
    katewtx19: you are a chip off the old block

  2. instant messanging with mom!6:35 AM

    graceopenheart: okay well realistically I need to finish balancing my checkbook and get going to work! even though I LOVE THIS.

    katewtx19: i was going to tell you that there really is a plan sweets, for all of us
    katewtx19: it takes patience patience patience & when you get all tense, I personally think it interferes with the gradual unfolding of the plan
    graceopenheart: oh you just brought tears to my eyes
    katewtx19: so not to make it harder on yourself!
    graceopenheart: even the painful times?
    katewtx19: yeah exactly
    katewtx19: trust the universe
    katewtx19: it really means the best for you
    katewtx19: and the painful times are the best learning times unfortunately

  3. instant messanging with mom!6:36 AM

    katewtx19: HEy did you ever hear of a great little book called "The greatest Story Ever Told"?
    katewtx19: yeah i can see where her analysis is very good
    katewtx19: that little book helped me immensely years ago in AZ & i brought it here
    katewtx19: it has helped me again here phenomenally
    katewtx19: it's by Og mandino

  4. Goodness, what a juicy, delicious deep post. And then to witness the support and love of your mama. It's beautiful. Thank you.

  5. Yowza! That was deep indeed. How cool -- your mom does IM. My parents wouldn't have any idea how to do that...

  6. Anonymous7:04 PM

    Dear Helen,

    It was so good to see you tonight. You are such a dear friend, and I feel so taken care of when I am around you. I did sense something though, maybe sadness, maybe just fatigue. I hope that you are well, and know how much I love you. And, I know it's strange, but sometimes I feel expressed by what you write in your blog. So, thank you for writing so authentically -- it makes a difference in my life. I do like the new look by the way.


  7. Mmm - so looking forward to spending time with you tonight - to exploring everything you expressed here. Just want to say that I agree with mama - gotta release, go with the flow of of the river, trust that you are right where you need to be. Know that you are enough, just as you are - whole and complete. Identity is fluid. Life is a journey. You are loved and will be more than okay.

  8. Hey, could we get a new post around here?