Part One - October, 2003...
You're so together
so ambitious, you're going to be so successful someday
articulate, attractive, motivated
organized, computer savvy, intuitive, sharp
Then why am I unable to finish things I start
keep my motivation, sliding back into a cesspool of darkness
Why do I feel such despair and hopelessness,
IRRITABILITY, impatience, anxiety, frustration?
~Why so up and down~
Look the hell out, it's Oscar the grouch
this wicked wild woman in the mornings
who is troubled from her night's unrest
Seriously, I'm serious
- why can't I laugh more? cry much?
And why can't I get it together with money?
Have the abundance everyone has told me would be mine with my natural gifts?
what's wrong with me?
Why do I feel stained, self-conscious, unsure, so very NOT accomplished, lost
Certainly not deserving or happy or satisfied
Take take take I will suck you dry
Fiddle with this learn more of that
I've tried everything I can put my hands on,
even tried "giving back", being of service...
because it's all crashing
breaking apart like velcro
... to be continued