Tuesday, June 07, 2005

wonder woman

somehow or another it seems like I'm feeling so in between

in between
letting go
and hanging on

in between
needing my friends
and wanting to push away

in between
feeling better
and feeling like I'm in a tunnel

in between
moments of happy contentment
and withered confusion

in between
a clean kitchen
and a mess

I'm on the verge
and then nowhere, no progress,
nothing at all

I am loving and kind and gentle
and then spiteful, resentful, a thief

I can't believe how I am feeling
everything seems to be changing
and I seem to be the only one who knows
I feel so far away from my friends, like they don't understand

And really want to cling onto someone's hot warm body
to be under his heavy weight
disappear in between the sweat and heat and rolling
just lose myself once and for all

when I was walking on the beach
I just wanted to walk away
from everything
what a strange impulse really

but I just want to leave, I really do
and that makes me so sad

I like you here
this inner sanctitude
quiet, peaceful,


at least I'm not feeling like such a failure anymore

I'm so afraid to ask people for help

I don't know if I want them in my space actually

and that scares me,
such a loner,
so isolated.

Life is so beautiful though,
this summer softness in the evening.
the sound of the sprinkler
my neighbor's barbeque
...everything at dusk

I love it right now.

But I have so much fear.

I fear I'm going to lose my job
or crumple up and disappear
except that I want to disappear
I do

it would be easier that way

but then what about the rest of my life
I want to look back from my deathbed and say,
I didn't give up
and I lived a beautiful life
so thank god I didn't let go

reach for me
wrap yourself
around me
and don't let go


  1. OY.

    Katia and I have this ongoing dialogue about the purpose of our blogs and their public nature. We talk about what to keep private, who are we writing for, etc. She also introduced me to a place where I could keep a secret diary online, and I wrote this post earlier there tonight. I was unsure of why I posted it here, but after re-reading it I realized it's the last four lines...

    hope and faith
    a beautiful fragile

  2. p.s. about wonder woman

    she is not stepping in right now
    to shake me out of this one
    slap me around and get me moving
    she's not making something happen
    staying busy
    or out there trying to do good in the world

    she's just letting me be

    and I love that.