Sunday, September 03, 2006

decompression


instead of decompressing
from the playa
I will unwind from the whirled wind
of a wedding weekend
preceded by a week of work travel

I hitched a ride in Mie's jeep
with little Tesla snoozing in the back
to the airport...
finding myself
repeating the nausea of
indecision and boredom
about the future of work
why do I continue
with the same drab story
for years in the making now
staying this corporate path
paycheck plus paycheck
an addiction?
a bad habit?
it's my final frontier
of freedom
I haven't yet burst...
sure, not finding my man is frustrating
can be lonely,
but to me it's inevitable
that I will meet him someday
somewhere,
sometime.
but the work issue,
there is not such same confidence,
knowing
and why?
why the gloom, the doom, the expected yuckness?
I watch my mom at the peak of her career,
she is joyful & happy,
working her ass off, sure,
but well compensated & challenged, satisfied.

Everyone asks me about the wedding business,
looks like you're busy & doing well, they say.
Yes.
But it feels like a crossroads.
The nights & weekends are hard
only because they're on top of
after
a full day's work.
And work that I don't love, let me add.
So what if I loved my day's work?
It's the circle of struggle
to which I return
again
and again.

And we all have some struggle,
I know that.
Everyone is chewing on something
I'll be chewing on something else
I'm sure of it
once this biggest thing in my life
dusts itself off
and shines,
blooms.
Someday it will.
And I'll be floating
in the ocean,
my face up to the sky
warmed
and safe,
full.

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