Saturday, September 16, 2006

man, the oasis

good healthy
between me
and men
it ain't the same
not the same
with women
there is depth
with men
once alone
there is silence
I feel alone
nothing to say
maybe it's obvious
probably should be
eye spy
I spy
my life span
dad, gone
o'brother, angry
stepdad, left
first time, taken
nothing but grey
so I observe
and look back
at why
I feel nothing
and try to heal something
outside of my reach
I touch the air
as I notice
what's here


  1. sometimes I just write
    and then I re-read later
    and think oy vey
    I should edit that
    for it sounds too lonesome
    or whiney
    or something
    but then I try not to
    because this is my space
    and I have waves up and down
    this is where I just blurt it out
    sometimes it's not the full story.

    In this post's case, l've been talking with Bette about my relationship with men. Beginning to hone in on what it's really like for me, right in this moment, almost like in slow motion I have slowed it all down. My awareness, the being present, is heightened. I see things I hadn't seen before. Just a year ago I saw how much I rushed the element of romantic intimacy - RUSHED - too soon etc. to cover up feeling nervous, feeling insecure, straight up jittery. So all that was ever there was the feeling of having rushed into sex... an emptiness, lack of real intimacy.

    In the past months there's really been no action on the playing field, zero men in my zone. And that's been okay, the strategy being stay away = good. And then out of nowhere there comes an opportunity to be near someone I've wanted to start something with since April. Six months. Sheez. I think the key word is *start* something with. But it's like an engine trying to turn over that tricks you and starts to rumble then dies. This one is probably for the best.

  2. cold silence

    in the cold silence
    lost and alone

    can i sit in this icy silence
    and just hang out?

    Underneath this sharp ledge
    there may be a lionness
    ready, willing and able
    to tear to pieces
    those who have wounded me.

    She can no longer be ignored
    if I am to find my way home.