Tuesday, September 12, 2006

tres anos

three years
since 2003
since 2005,
I'm on the other side, in so many ways, now
but I look ahead
and see a long long way to run
I went in
I went in deep
I saw the pockets in the dough
rotten, they were
in need of debriedment
rinsing off
airing out
~ healing ~

and I say
if you haven't done
or you aren't a psychotherapist
(with all due respect)
you don't know
you don't know
how deep I'm going
and I don't say this
out of spite
or fight
but I'm sick
of people
saying things
like they know
that have flavors of
get over it
just cheer the fuck up
why are you still working on that
why are you in therapy

she asked,
how long do you think this will take
gentle smile
30 years in training
"six months if I work hard"
it made her laugh out loud

this a treasure
I have given to myself
and so I await
in silence
as they arise
closed doors and dark halls
and I tap
tap tap
said I gotta do something
about where we're going...
you gotta cry without weeping
talk without speaking
scream without raising your voice
she is raging
she is raging
a storm blows up in her eyes
... and she's running
to stand


  1. Well said, honey. It's your journey, no one else' s. I acknowledge you for staying true to yourself, and for all your hard work. You have come a LONG way.

    m. mm/i jjnm bbbu. ghh crx5yy
    (That second part is from Luchi.)
    We love you.

  2. Thanks you!

    An afterthought: I think one of perhaps the most interesting that happened along the way was when we were working around the years of 12-15. My depression was really bad then and I started to get these images or urges to "cut". I didn't act on them but shared them with my therapist and apparently that's the ages where kids start to cut themselves, self-mutilation. It felt like the most bizarre urge but it was so real at the same time. Every once in a while that urge returns and it feels scary to me but at the same time there's part of me that really can honor those sweet kids who start doing this to themselves, as a way to have an outlet for their pain... making their invisible pain real and tangible.

    Also, about that pain. There's a former child protection attorney in our group and last night she said something to me that I've heard before but keep forgetting. She said that physical abuse is far easier to overcome than neglect & abandonment. It creates kind of a grey emotional wasteland for a child where they are confused about their identity because their sense of self was either ignored or underdeveloped, etc. I really can relate to this, having felt invisible the place that is my return to "harbor". Developing my sense of sense as an adult as well as growing my skills and behaviors around attachment has been fascinating. The sadness seeps away and there is something sweet and beautiful in its place. I'm grateful I have gifted resources in my life that have guided me, led me, shown my story back to me, educated me from their viewpoint. Grateful. Abundance.

  3. Anonymous4:18 PM

    Hi Helen,

    How are you, my love? You have come so far, and your journey has paved the way for others.


  4. Anonymous9:54 PM

    I love you, Helen... in some way that I cannot explain, especially... since I barely know you...
    And I cannot explain, for some reason, how ... in the little time that I wanted to know you, that you have changed my life in some major way. I have to thank you for that.
    I have to say, that daily...... I just want to say thank you, for you being you. Even through your trials and tribulations ... you are an inspiration to me.
    I cannot explain much, because I am so small, and understand very little of myself, and the world that I am a part of. So tiny.


  5. This makes me want therapy. I had a really excellent therapist in my early 20s and I always thingK dang, what a field day she'd have with me now.

    So proud of you for investing in yourself. You are a lighthouse.

  6. Hi Helen,

    The paradox of life is swimming upstream when all you'd really like to do is let go and float the other way. Sweet poetry. Especially the last few lines. Love to see you taking all those steps standing still.

    Love, Scott