I have something I really want to write about and yet it's been a long time. Finding the words, finding my heart, my breath.
One part of why I haven't been writing is because I'm dealing on some deep levels with some things about sex. How to put these things into words? Do they need to be shared? What goes on display, what is private? What is mine, what is yours...
~maybe what I have you might have
and so I share...
For years now, I've wanted more.
I want to go OOOOOhOOOOH
with someone else in the room.
I've surveyed, I've interviewed.
Quietly, loudly, many.
"In your experience, do most women _____ easily? Often?"
The question behind the question, of course, is
how many women can't
easily or often
so that I don't feel like I'm the sore thumb
the only one missing out
on this exquisite thing we share together,
sexual pleasure & intimacy.
I had a wonderful, committed partner
who wanted the same for me, for us.
Despite talent, generosity and time,
no masterful sex god
make me go OOOOHOOoooh
(not without a lot of work, anyway)
so then I returned to
the raised fist to the sky
of course along the way
I looked under rocks
to find where, what when, when did I miss
the sign that says "press here for pleasure"
or "do this or do that"
knowing all the while it's not in the being
wanting to RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE at those
"you just have to let go"
FUCK THEM, okay??!
Oh that is the most idioto thing to say to someone who is frustrated
but there is truth in that though too
what do I let go of?
what do I let go of??
Then, stumble on to Tantra
"let me go here and fix myself" weekend
only to hear them say
Tantra is about not being goal-oriented
it's about loving, healing ENERGY
now that's something I can say ooooooooh oooooooooooohmmm to!
Thank you for my friends who remind me.
It's all about returning to be gentle with myself.
Being kind to myself.
But wow is that hard to do!
I had an experience tonight
where he let a comment slip;
he's been sexual "lately"
(we not sexual together)
and I just flipped
a man who is sexual (casually)
or frequently with women he dates = DANGEROUS
he'll do the same to me
he'll toss me
he'll come, take & leave
someone wickedly nutty like that
I said something to him
which hurt him
but I just wasn't breathing
I was red hot in my heart,
I realize now,
with the collapse between what he said
and what I made it mean
so he came back and said
I like you, you're wonderful
and I respect you
I've always tried to treat you with respect,
never groped you, fondled you, etc.
It's always been me driving
Why do I have to do that?
What is it so hard for me to sit still
and let the right and soft and gentle
come for me....
Am I making any sense at all?
It's been a brutal week, a good week,
this was my big deadline to pass all the data over
and I'm really proud of myself...
Over 2,000 rows of data, over 100 columns
confidential data about our peeps
I'll be dreaming about VLOOKUP & TRIM & CONCATENATE
(does anyone know what those mean? they rock!)
Sweet dreams to all...