Friday, November 03, 2006

Whopper

I have something I really want to write about and yet it's been a long time. Finding the words, finding my heart, my breath.

One part of why I haven't been writing is because I'm dealing on some deep levels with some things about sex. How to put these things into words? Do they need to be shared? What goes on display, what is private? What is mine, what is yours...

~maybe what I have you might have
and so I share...

For years now, I've wanted more.
I want to go OOOOOhOOOOH
with someone else in the room.
I've surveyed, I've interviewed.
Quietly, loudly, many.
Women. Men.
"In your experience, do most women _____ easily? Often?"
The question behind the question, of course, is
how many women can't
easily or often
so that I don't feel like I'm the sore thumb
the only one missing out
on this exquisite thing we share together,
sexual pleasure & intimacy.
I had a wonderful, committed partner
who wanted the same for me, for us.
Despite talent, generosity and time,
no masterful sex god
could reliably
make me go OOOOHOOoooh
(not without a lot of work, anyway)
so then I returned to
the frustration
the anger
the raised fist to the sky
GODDAMMITWHATTHEFUCK
of course along the way
I weeded,
I looked under rocks
to find where, what when, when did I miss
the sign that says "press here for pleasure"
or "do this or do that"
knowing all the while it's not in the being
wanting to RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE at those
who said
"you just have to let go"
FUCK THEM, okay??!
Oh that is the most idioto thing to say to someone who is frustrated
but there is truth in that though too
what do I let go of?
what do I let go of??

Then, stumble on to Tantra
the ultimate
"let me go here and fix myself" weekend
only to hear them say
Tantra is about not being goal-oriented
it's about loving, healing ENERGY
ooooooooooooh
now that's something I can say ooooooooh oooooooooooohmmm to!

Oh, goodness.
Oh Goddess.
Thank you for my friends who remind me.
It's all about returning to be gentle with myself.
Being kind to myself.
But wow is that hard to do!

I had an experience tonight
where he let a comment slip;
he's been sexual "lately"
(we not sexual together)
and I just flipped
a man who is sexual (casually)
or frequently with women he dates = DANGEROUS
he'll do the same to me
he'll toss me
he'll come, take & leave
someone wickedly nutty like that
I said something to him
which hurt him
but I just wasn't breathing
I was red hot in my heart,
I realize now,
with the collapse between what he said
and what I made it mean
so he came back and said
I like you, you're wonderful
and I respect you
I've always tried to treat you with respect,
never groped you, fondled you, etc.
He's right.
It's always been me driving
and pushing

Why do I have to do that?
What is it so hard for me to sit still
and let the right and soft and gentle
come for me....

Am I making any sense at all?
It's been a brutal week, a good week,
this was my big deadline to pass all the data over
and I'm really proud of myself...
Over 2,000 rows of data, over 100 columns
confidential data about our peeps
I'll be dreaming about VLOOKUP & TRIM & CONCATENATE
(does anyone know what those mean? they rock!)

Sweet dreams to all...

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this my sweet dear. I again will be one of those who remind you to be gentle with yourself. As well as protective which = red hot in your belly around permiscuity~ you have a lot to take care of in your world, and sometimes it doesn't always come out right....so helen, so human. Love you! ps i am outta the woods! xoxox xt

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  2. Libra Woman & Aquarius Man

    If he can get past the commitment problem and if she can get past the decision problem, they will never part. But be prepared for a long courtship... ( Source: AquarianAge Romance )

    This is tied with Gemini as your number-one soulmate match. The Aquarius boy has got a wild and experimental approach to romance that will fascinate and charm you. The chemistry between you two is dynamite. You also have a lot in common, including a great love of socializing. Your intellects are very similar and you can have amazing, thoughtful conversations on almost any topic. He is also very drawn to music and the arts, just like you. You have a very good influence on him too, helping him see the world in the most positive possible light. Together, you make an unbeatable team. Just watch out for the sarcasm - he sometimes fights nasty. But with your charm and loving nature, you can tame this beast and make him your loving honey. A soulmate match.

    Libra girl, you think you have it going on? Aquarius boy falls in your 5th house of fun, which means there's never a dull moment when you both meet up. Best thing is, he inspires your mind to new heights, and encourages you to stand tall on your own without having to suffer arm candy status.

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