Friday, December 29, 2006


Last night I got sort of purposefully snowed in up on Flagstaff mountain @ what always looks to me like 36 acres of Little House on the Prairie (home of the most exquisite outdoor hottub experience evah). I floated half in half up with the heavy cold snow & air hitting my bare skin while the rest of me sank into the warm quiet silence of hot water... later on we had to move the truck down 1 mile to the plowed road & snowshoe back up to the house so we could get out in the morning. Repeated that backwards this morning. I loved it, snowshoeing is so incredible in such fluffy white snow. There's nothing like this winter wonderland.

Must be coming out of the darkness... I've been in a deeply contemplative, rather dark mood today. I let go of something this afternoon, wrote a note and chose to close a chapter on something that has been 9 months in the making. Funny, speaking of 9 months. I found myself saying on Thursday night how much I wouldn't mind if I "accidentally" got pregnant right now... I feel ready for something so much bigger than myself. And yeah, yeah, I'm the QUEEN of wait until the right time, the right order of things as far as that goes, but lately I've been feeling the urge strongly. Maybe it's because there WAS that possibility and now that is gone (as of today). Could I be any more veiled in my writing here? Oh well, there's a time and a place and this ain't the place!!

So I have to head back to Mountain View, CA, Headquarters of the severance package preparation.... from January 4th through the 18th. Dude. That's a long time. I am pretty sure I'm taking Willow. Going to be staying at the "corporate rental" which is admittedly a bit of a shithole 1980s complex "renovated". I find it somewhat depressing, mostly bc it reminds me of these apartments we once lived in... I think it's that brownish carpet and old bathroom fixtures or something. Creepy. But I think having my little man there with me will just be happy joy joy. So I'll come back on the 19th, be in Boulder until I return back to Cali on the 22nd. They want me out there through early February. Damn. The ONLY good thing about this is I'll be able to spend time with my little babies that stole my heart & keep it in San Francisco: Sammy & Luci.

On a side note, regarding myself and the potential of a severance package... there is NO WORD yet about my status, but I wasn't on the list of the 165. But what *does* that mean?? A lot of folks are getting a "transitional" package which means they stay on for several months for retention bonus. Will I get that? Will I suddenly be given my Jan 31st walking papers (doubt it) or what? WHAT? I'm starting to have those slightly strange work dreams and know I need to roll into the new year with a stance of clarity about what I want. I've begun to see a few images... strange, I know, but want to write them here nonetheless:

~ $10,000 sitting in my bank account
~ making exactly precisely $24,500 MORE than I make now (which would equal exactly precisely $1,000 extra net PER PAYCHECK sitting in my checking account
~ hip company that hooks me up with a sweet bl(cr)ackberry and laptop so I can stay mobile
~ sweet new kitchen cabinets & black marble countertops + new dishwasher
~ great great GREAT men showing up to date me

Somehow the first four seem very, um, materialist, but whatEVER! It's my time & year to upgrade! Mom read this and said "materialist is about materializing & manifesting". Whatta cool mom I have!


  1. total fluke of fabulousness happened today... after I dumped my "I dump you" letter off at shadow-man's office, I (in my very intentional best-dressed, made-up self) went and sat at my new favorite little cafe right around the corner from Rhumba & next door to Sushi Tora, Saxy Cafe. Totally adorable little spot with nice couches & wood & sweet light fixtures, yummy hip food. This guy walked by outside with another guy & a dog. For whatever weird reason I totally ducked my head around so I could get a look at the one guy because he was CUTE. I could sense that it was obvious & was kinda embarrassed until he walked in to the counter!! I stood my ass up and walked right up there to order my lunch. It was easy to strike up a conversation with him and before you know it I was handing him my card. Basically I'm like CALL ME!!! No, I did it under the guise of I'm looking for work... ha! I hope he calls me, he was soo soo cute. His name was Chris, totally my type. From New York, produces commercials. Sweet guy, I could tell. Open & genuine & sophisticated but not arrogant. Man. CALL ME, CHRIS! I really needed that universe encouragement...

  2. Anonymous11:28 AM

    Yay yay yay Helen. You are so clear right now, how could the Universe not align with you. Get it girl, i'll keep it in my prayers for ya. xoxo

  3. How come I'm the one who broke it off but I'm the one feeling ditched?