Friday, March 30, 2007

Just one year ago...

It was not lost on me when I landed last Sunday in San Jose that just one year ago (the EXACT same week of the year), I was in San Jose for another purpose, to launch my new wedding business. I look at the support my mom provided to make that happen, and all of the subsequent miracles that unfolded from that powerful ACTION-taking... and I am so grateful.

Given the laws of attraction and the learnings that have come from that, I look at what I can and will accomplish in the coming year and stand in awe of that horizon. Sometimes I am discouraged, definitely, sometimes I am doubtful, absolutely, but I see my courage, initiative and raw DETERMINATION and know that I am blessed with very much in this lifetime.

Something is very difficult for me right now and I'm doing my best to visualize and release. There is someone that has his claws in my heart and mind and body (by my choice and design) for pretty much an entire year. It's been one of those situations I'm embarrassed to admit - the unavailable guy, the woman who pines for him... the woman who questions herself and wants the answer from him "I'm a great catch, right? If you WERE available, you'd want me right?". He's unavailable from a ouch-y history with women plus being totally focused on a new bazillion million dollar business he's launching (on top of his existing full-time business). But really, it's not about him, it's about me. It's about me and my responses, reactions, emotions, past. Technically we've been "involved" for four months but like I said, I've been interested in him, heavily, for a full year.

One of my biggest fears right now is, besides being able to let him go and disengage that grip he has on my insides, is what if his energy quickly redirects to a new woman sooner than I can let him go. Clearly it's very real that he's "out there" flirting with other women (we're not monogamous by his design) but oh fuck is it painful. I watch myself want to go aggro black & white with him - cut him out, stop talking calling texting instant messaging - but it's difficult because he keeps always comes back around. He does well at being "friends" with women... me, not so much (in particular my BAD experience trying to do that with my last ex). Besides, we have the most intense chemistry I've ever felt - which has helped dissolve my own image of being fucked-up sexually.

Wow sex sure is the vehicle for that "hook", eh? I've read somewhere, or maybe someone told me, that once you're sexual with someone, women hold a man's energy like a magnet (and theirs to you) for seven months! Big sigh. Big heartache. How fast can I breathe and release, pray and release, soften and let go... of this addiction, this hold, this itch? I hate those damn comments like "you can attract the RIGHT guy when you're with the WRONG guy". Too cliche even though they're probably true. Whatever, rambling. I *know* someday I'll look back and this and see what a perfect launching pad this was to my new way of life, my new way of interacting with men. For goodness sakes, I'd never been able to sit still, with ease, around men I was attracted to. To have sustained almost a year of being around this man (age 42, btw), and grow into my own heart and body in his presence as I worked to STAY present and aware of myself as a beautiful, sexy, smart and thoughful woman... this is all a good thing.


  1. I miss your voice. Are you ok?

  2. My breakup note -
    And in conclusion... something shifted over the past 3 weeks, you seem more disengaged from me so I keep wondering what changed. Maybe you're just busier & more focused but in my imagination you have a lot of women friends who could keep you company and even if its not that it pains me to be kept at a distance. That part isn't new and you have been honest about your priorities and definitely consistent with me, but I'm insanely jealous of your social life when it doesn't include me. Bottom line is if I'm hanging out & talking with you I want SEX and social time together. Right now your energy is elsewhere. Its really sad for me bc I like you so much but I need to detach because this isn't going to change. I know you just want me to feel good and be happy. Thank you for being a really special part of my life for a great five months... love ~H

  3. just want to resist the insanity urge to text, call or email him...

    I would say:

    I miss you
    I'm going to miss you
    will you miss me
    do you miss me
    how are you?
    how is A___(his dog)
    Did I say, I miss you already?
    I can't believe I don't get to have sex with you anymore
    (although if I were to say that it would open me up to dangerous territory)

    is he going to call me
    what is he doing
    what am I going to do if he calls me
    do I respond, do I ignore
    what if he comes onto me
    can I honor my boundaries