Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Feeeeeelings

Feeeelings
(also known as pms)
it's raining hard outside
and inside
it's glum and gloomy

I'm feeling dark and shady
intersections
honey sticks crossing
millions of multiples
foggy dumb brain

feeling
edgey
not all springy and light
but like a little pod
struggling
to burst its way
up out of the ground

today,
my "job" my work
I feel like a bumbling stumbling
little bee
buzz buzz
thoughts of
is this right for me
do I belong here
can I give up this flexibility if I were to leave?
prematurely asking the wrong questions

and I am clinging
to little shards
of an addiction
wanting hoping needing
some kind of fix
clawing for it
disappointed in it
taking it
only to return
once again
to starting over
"sober"

here I am
day five
having started over again
and it fucking sucks
I'll call "it"
the bottle
the smoke
the pipe
(tho it's none of those)

whatever the name
type flavor size
(haagen dazs coffee ice cream)
it's all the same no?
wanting hoping needing
wanting hoping needing
it's empty though,
those addictions
like empty calories
stuffing our feelings, we do
stuffing our feelings
go away, I tell them
stop that
stop feeling this way
I don't want to feel this way

allow them,
she says
let them be here
"we are allowed to feel what we feel"
why is this so cheesy sounding
but such an amazing lesson
if we could all
just stop
and allow, give it room to breathe
without judgment
or trying to fix or change

this is where I am
this is who I am
this is how I feel

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous6:06 PM

    Hey-- been wondering how the 14 days went. Glad to hear that you are taking on another round with a sense of power (the last three lines sounded so powerful). I love the title of her book -- Loving what is. So simple yet sometimes so hard to do.
    love,
    Becca

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