Friday, April 13, 2007

one moment at a time

I am feeling rather small
needing to take
small little bites
and small little moments
moment to moment
step by step
day by day
because.
Well.
I broke up with someone
that I care about.
Because we're not going to talk anymore.
And when I remember that,
it burns
oh god it burns...
not to mention the worst compulsion on earth
the worst habit and thought torture...
imagining and wondering
did he meet someone else
is she captivating his thoughts
does he miss me
does he wonder how am I
is he going to call
how would I respond anyway
~
so it's day by day
moment by moment.
and truly,
there was an important time
when I missed the opportunity
with someone else
to take a true and solid BREAK
to stop everything
and separate,
to put some air between us
so that in the future
we could be friends

there's a fading away of something,
with time and space
that electric chemistry and tension...

and that's what I cling to with him,
that's what is the hardest to let go of,
right?
they always say once you have sex
you're a goner
(oh no I'm talking about me having sex on my BLOG)

so I'm taking it step by step,
day by day
it's DAY SIX!
wow, day SIX
honest to god the longest I've gone
without talking texting emailing seeing him
in a long while
and there is relief in that, to some degree
in fact as I get more objective and further away,
I see the bigger picture, I do
I feel like some sort of new me is emerging
where I thought there would be a guarantee of pain
instead there is a stronger me at the core,
standing there looking it in the eye
saying, I welcome you to pass through me
you can go now
because this doesn't have to grieve me
I am an empowered woman
and I know what is right for me
and I am ready to let you go now.

So I made this cool list
of what I love
and what I DO NOT LOVE ABOUT YOU
but here I'm going to only share the goods
(which are, oh, so sweet!
these made me realize how tender I really was for him)

You're just really really adorable, the quiet funny little way
you hold your mouth
and the sideways thing you do when way you look,
well, sideways at me

You make me laugh
I feel sexy when you look at me
Im proud of what you have accomplished in life,
I am admire your success and hard work
I adore (your dog)
I love seeing you in public because I get to see you from a distance
and I always walk up to you thinking, god you are hot
I think you are sensitive caring and intuitive and I really appreciate that
I am still amazed by how you appreciate and "get" my mom
I love how you have to have all the lights on quiet all the time
LOVE your taste with music
love that you live alone up in the wilderness, you badass mountain man
think your family is sweet, with their quirks and issues,
yes, but a loving and kind and gregarious crew
LOVE the amount of space you create around you. Totally dig it.
Taught me that I need that and it's okay
Love that even though we would talk often, it would be brief
and I wouldn't know when we would talk again, which led to...
the sense of excitement I had when we did make plans together
Your sense of style, you dress like a GQ surfer (is that possible?)
your favorite thing on earth to do is run
our chemistry, did I mention that already???
your soft hands, your perfect beyond perfect ass
how you say "hey" when I pick up the phone
when you first called me, for months, you would clear your throat
& sound so nervous (in fact I saved a bunch of those and played them for my friends
we would giggle "he's nervous"!)
you're a man's man, very hard core physically - you've broken so many bones you can't even count
you always smell soooo good, not too clean just good and fresh
you are always hydrated
you're very intense, like me, and we could go toe to toe but were equals
you are so so patient, I can't even believe how patient you are
you are so earnest about teaching,
especially when you want to say "in life, it's important to make the right choices"

And the highlight of my week:
I ran into my friend
and was saying that last Fall
I kept saying
I JUST WANT SOMEONE
to have SEX with!!!
and guess what?
that's exactly precisely what I got.
SO.
Saying something new now.
I'm saying there's some lovely lovely men
waiting just around the corner for me
and I'm glowing
as I attract them.
He (a wonderful man)
is going to be in my home
loving on my gay kitty
and coming up behind me
to hold me
we'll be out at happy hours
and I'll tingle
as we mingle
and he'll slide up to me
pat my ass
and I'll think
WOW
he is HOT
and WE are so lucky
to be so in love
...
what a great mate

2 comments:

  1. what an inspiration! I am still so glad I met and got to know you! Thanks, I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. whoa honey honey honey...

    wishing you a soft landing and lots of breathing room. this is such a beautiful post.

    oxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete