Thursday, May 10, 2007

a rant; a vent

raar.

Item number one
With my supposed training, my focus is allll about the long run, the weekend run, my big run, right? So the past few months I really accelerated my exercise, to become more than just "in shape" or "fit" as people would say to me. So instead of just hitting up the bike for 30 boring minutes and half-paying-attention lifting weights, I started to hit the FULL SPEED on the bike, coming out of the saddle... as an example. But now, with the whole BIG EVENT on the weekend... I'm becoming a total slacker as far as my weekly workout. Grrr. Where'd all that motivation go? I just want to go home and sit on my ass. Update: thanks to my tia Consuelo & my coach Desa... I went out there and hauled tookas on a loop that usually takes me 45 - I did it in 30! It was gorgeous & sunsetting (picture above afterwards!) and wow do I feel about 10x better.

Item number two
Work bitching. It's just fucking frustrating right now. I'm frustrated and that means I'm coming home more tired. I'm resisting and persisting and efforting. I find myself judging people, defending myself where I don't even need to and making up broad sweeping stories that end up with me saying I AM GOING TO FIND A NEW JOB AND *SOON*. Pretty much the past four Weds/Thurs I've had a mini interior meltdown that my buddy (who does my job for the east coast - she says "that's wicked" or "NO SUH" and I'm "all like" "yah dude") picks me up and pulls me up off the floor (virtually of course, because everything in this new company is virtual - which is fabulous!!).

Item number three
Letting go of someone is just hard. Hardhardhard H.A.R.D. It sucks. I don't want to but I have to. I'm sure it's like quitting something you love because you need to - something that feels good (like smoking?) but isn't good for you. Last night I sat across from him, my smokes, at a business sort of function, and I looked over and just realized that my lil heart was just barely on that verge of being in love with him. Maybe I don't even need to qualify "being on the verge" and just say holy shit I love him. If I were to take my head out of my HEART that is what is there, purely fantastic strong love and adoration, not like the schmoopy long cultivated sweet committed love, but wow. What a surprise to me as I explore this "attachment" that I am letting go of. Yes, I'm making headway. But I can't just blink it away and snap it's gone (I am realizing). So... with patience and love... I move on. P.S. Forgot to say that during dinner this conversation came up (jokingly) about HOW FAMOUS M IS BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE BLOGGING ABOUT HIM!!! My mom and I very very nervously laughed until they told the rest of the story about this therapeutic site and his PT practice. GUILTY.

4 comments:

  1. consuelo5:33 PM

    Can only give unsolicited advice on the training, so here it goes...

    Don't forget that it's the "little" weekday workouts that make those weekend long runs possible. Sometimes the training flat out sucks, but keep on runnin' girlfriend and you'll be crossing that finish line before you know it!

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  2. Isn't this beautiful? From Katia...

    Love We Must Part

    Love, we must part now: do not let it be
    Calamitous and bitter. In the past
    There has been too much moonlight and self-pity:
    Let us have done with it: for now at last
    Never has sun more boldly paced the sky,
    Never were hearts more eager to be free,
    To kick down worlds, lash forests; you and I
    No longer hold them; we are husks, that see
    The grain going forward to a different use.

    There is regret. Always, there is regret.
    But it is better that our lives unloose,
    As two tall ships, wind-mastered, wet with light,
    Break from an estuary with their courses set,
    And waving part, and waving drop from sight.

    Poem: "Love We Must Part" by Philip Larkin

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  3. Finally time and mental space to comment. You must know that I do read every post. They inspire me vicariously. You are strong, and I love reading you go for it with all the normal human struggles. Please know that I love your stories about life! I'm so focused on Ms. T (Trouble, not Tesla he he) that I don't dwell on the why or if anymore. It just is and I flow. It's amazing but so basic. Which is good for me now. Yet I'm attracted to the inner growth that you go for.

    So yay for Helen. Super woman!

    Both Dav and I will be working at BM this year as Rangers. Getting trained soon. Working on hiring an on-site nanny so we can work and give back.

    We'll be doing BM for many years. I do hope you will return. I've much to learn about you...but need that time together.

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  4. Thanks so much for checkin in Helen, so so good to hear from you. I check in on you every week and keepin up on the amazing work u are doing, keep on keepin on girl, u rock! U are lookin so gorgeous as always too...

    Thanks for the offer for Sue, its good to know I have some sisters in the area , deep breath! I will let u know, and if u want to go to Telluride lemme know too, big love, C

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