Monday, July 09, 2007

Willingness

Wow. You know when something "comes into your space" and suddenly it's like something you've never seen of or heard of before is EVERYWHERE? This is how "the work" of Byron Katie has been. All of a sudden it's all over my world. It's amazing and powerful around the world of thoughts and their HOLD on us. So you always start with something that's really hooking or upsetting you, so I started here:
I am fearful and worried that I will never meet my soulmate/husband.
Then you explore these questions:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it's true?
How do you react when you think that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
The whopper comes when you (play with versions of) "turn it around":
I WILL meet my husband/soulmate
I BELIEVE I will meet him
HE is worried and doubts that he will never meet me, his soulmate/wife
I AM my soulmate
My soulmate WILL meet me
Sometimes the turn around doesn't create breakthroughs or miracles, and sometimes at that point you can sit with "I am willing to..." (the worst thought) or "I look forward to..." (the most feared outcome). As I was driving back from Vail it really hit me - can I be with the worst I've ever imagied, which is I am willing to never find my husband, I accept and embrace that I will never be married, in fact I look forward to never marrying.
Wow was this powerful. It hit me like a brick in the face, like a POSSIBILITY that I have never had room to really face - it's been anything BUT acceptance; instead I've met that possibility with a defensiveness and resistance, a blocking AGAINST, a denial and a no no nooooo. So I've been walking around in an absolute daze with this possibility, really really really sinking into this as a *possible* outcome.
POSSIBLE:
Capable of happening, existing, or being true without contradicting proven facts, laws, or circumstances. Capable of occurring or being done without offense to character, nature, or custom. Capable of favorable development; potential: a possible site for the new capital. Of uncertain likelihood.
Trippy!
Some of my first thoughts as I faced this were:
What the HELL would I do with my life?
What would I live my life FOR?
Who would I be without that future?
What would I dream of, envision??
Who would I BE?
What about family, what about spiritual partnership & growth?
What about falling in love and tantric sex and all the things I've wished to do in that long term committed relationship?
Then one bit of relief snuck in:
Maybe I fall in love over and over with different men!
Maybe I could just give in to whatever life has in store for me!
Maybe I WOULD meet a man that would become my soulmate/husband.
Wow. That is the very nature of possibility, I have discovered. It's like meeting a fresh flower that we haven't stopped to smell in so so long, in fact we haven't even noticed it was there. It's like in the Forum Sunday night where we face life is empty & meaningless / the everything & nothing. I feel completely upside down today, and a lot more relaxed. It's like a bizarrely free place where I'm completely present.
As a side note, one of the greatest turn arounds I've seen came from my friend Cary, who moved up into the mountains and was deathly afraid that a mountain lion would attack her kids and eat her too. So her turn around was I look forward to being eaten by a mountain lion. When she said it I got CHILLS - you could see it had become some fully true for her, like she had reached a peace and truly looked forward to facing the beast in the eyes and celebrating death by mountain lion!

2 comments:

  1. Hi H! What I love about this post is this part:

    What the HELL would I do with my life?
    What would I live my life FOR?
    Who would I be without that future?
    What would I dream of, envision??
    Who would I BE?
    What about family, what about spiritual partnership & growth?

    because no matter if you meet him or don't or meet him twenty-three times over these are still and will always be the questions. For you, for me, for each of us.

    Hmmmm...

    Great to see Dana and her jewelry!

    Much love,
    Reb

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love how much you write, and contemplate things... and really write what you are feeling.
    I wanna do that.

    ReplyDelete