Friday, November 16, 2007

asleepdreamnumb bomb

I'm going through a rough patch. Not like before, no this is weird. This is unknown. I don't even know what to say but I have the most mega huge feelings of frustration and frustration and just FRUSTRATION about my job right now. It's bizarre. It just keeps growing and growing and I want to explode. I thought this slew of work trips out to the Bay area was going to be great, get me out of my rut a little, do a little different work, support the 'peeps. But no, ain't like that at all. In fact, I don't feel welcomed into the company (that we acquired). Seriously it feels trite to say but I feel like nothing I do / we do is good enough for them. The people I expected in the company to be my best buddies (my counterparts) are just pissing me OFF. This was my 2nd week IN A ROW out there and the 3rd total.

I was so ready to come home that I woke up at 3:30am this morning (on purpose) so I could call in for the guaranteed stand=by on the 6:35am flight. Then, like me, as usual, I dilly-dallied doing diddily daddily and left my hotel at 5:35am. I got to the airport in 7 minutes, parked the rental in short term parking and raced to drop my bag. Never ever no not ever in the almost two years I've been flying into San Jose has there been such a madhouse there - let alone at 5:50am in the damn morning. So I wait in line for 10 minutes and just scrape by under that line of we won't check you in. She scowls at me, takes my bag and says 'you better get to security fast bc there is a long line today'. F*************CK.

I race the rental back to Hertz, run to the bus - wait, there is no bus. I wait for the bus, sweat on the bus, run to the Security line. Get out of line to ask the line lady up front if I could please go up to the front because my flight... "NO". So I wait and I squirm and I think - why stress, because it doesn't change the fact that I can't change this. It's 6:21am. So if they close the doors 10 minutes until departure that means I have 4 minutes. My gate is *literally* on the other side of the security line. So I do what Helen does. I hop up five people in line, one by one - totally embarraassed - "hi would you mind if I just went in front of you, it might just help me make my flight". I RACE, with my laptop, shoes and bag in hand. And I hear the door shut. No shit. Okay, I'm lying. But it was that close. At least the lady at the counter was sweet. She got me on stand-by for the next flight @ 7:40am.

So I'm sitting there and suddenly am noticing a *lot* of grey hair. Adorable adorable adorable. Right next to me I got the whole scoop from Marge(I made up that name but she was carrying - I'm not kidding - five huge gallon bags of different snacks for the other three couples there with her. She had green beans and almond bar and honey wheat pretzels and nuts and something else). So there were 50 people from this group "Sons in Retirement" going to Branson Missouri, dontcha know. Pretty funny. Anyway they heard my whole saga and I said to them, watch, I'll get on and have to sit at the back of the bus. So they cheered when they saw me get on. And I was. I was in 35B (middle row), last aisle. Next to the bathroom. And I spilled my tomato juice all over the woman next to me in her gorgeous tweed suit. F***********CK.


I find myself with such a short fuse right now. I'm just mad at people (at work). Well, not the people I like. But the people that come ask me questions. And, well, that is my job - helping people that come to me with their damn questions. Is it the nature of their questions? Is it the answers? Is it that I don't like to help people? What WHAT? Shed shed shed, I keep thinking. This is the new moon of shedding. Oh my god shed away baby. Peel yourself off of me like a dead old mangey snake skin.

I've had this "in" for a wild left turn in my career - have I already used that analogy yet? That's what it feels like to me. The HR highway was about having a career path. Having a title, somewhere to follow. Like, well, like knowing. Having to know. The known. Because otherwise - what the hell? I so understand and relate and empathize with that 20 something girl who was so terrified and wanted so much and just found working 9 to 5 B-O-R-I-N-G. So I've gone down this path and lately all these things have come together saying hey hey look to your left, look over here. This could be really fun. Do you really see what's up there ahead of you on that road? In 5 miles it's the exit for Employment law, Employee Relations and who gives a crap if you get a raise or not? It's Human Resources in the modern era. Oh my god so not inspired by that!! Anyway, so this "new road". It's opportunity, it's challenge, it's quota. I have this hunch that I'll be good at it because I'm hungry right now - for challenge, for cash -but I'm also so confused about all these feelings just raging inside of me. I want to RUN away from this job. I want OUT. AWAY. GO be gone you wicked frog! Bad frog bad frog. What the hell am I talking about. I'm just a lunatic right now, I'm so furious at my job! Bad job bad job! No, I'm just being silly, finally having a chance to put this energy "on paper". Ah it feels good. It's a lot going on in side of me. A storm. Tsunami Mama.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous6:26 AM

    I know how you feel. Not that this will help, but, You would be the first person I know that would pull through the quickest. It sound likes there will be a few humps to get over, but because you are such a PATIENT person, you will be there soon. Sounds like you need a 3 day weekend in a spa, with everyone pampering you for change. You pick the place!