Wednesday, February 06, 2008

mixing pots

he said,
be real, say anything
and I said
I'm practicing going slow

holding back

boundaries

instead of the usual,
the buzz the high
someone new!

the pattern -
"he" pursues me
he's REALLY into me
excited about me

so I respond
with like enthusiasm
we're in a whirlwind
of connecting, calling,
dating

and then seemingly
out of nowhere
he disappears
...

(and I inevitably think:
oh, I was too much,
I need to hold back
because I am
no doubt
quite a tornado)

so this time,
I was trying something new
but then he persuaded
"don't hold back!"
"say everything, be real!"

so I did
"I'm so excited to see you"
"Oh my gosh it seems so long until Monday - our next date"

and so, bless him,
he openly shared
(but FUCK YOU)
he feels "pressure

FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK!!

I felt shame
and anger
but mostly embarrassed
(I knew my instinct to hold back was wise)
then I blew it away
I'm not going to take it on
I'm not going to humiliate myself
I blew it away
and let my red face cool...


(the warning - because this is so private now, I may be even more obtuse - or not - writing my spills of feelings that may make no sense to you! sorry, but I gotta have my place, you know?)

2 comments:

  1. Personally, I love you just the way you are without any sort of holding back or "being real." All I need is you, you, you! Love you!

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  2. It is because of you and your "be real" that I push myself. I am sorry you feel this way (now), but do not change your self. But who am I, but some guy who is truly infatuated with "Helen", how strong and powerful she is.

    I wish I had a tenth of your compassion!

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