I can hardly describe the miracle of this journal. One minute (well, no, years...) I was desperately sad, lonely, frustrated... WHY hasn't he shown up yet? WHERE is he? WHAT am I doing wrong? The next minute, everything, absolutely all of that angst and suffering, fell away. I remember a short time before the existence of the journal, in the middle of more anguish and my private pity party from my couch (with remote in hand, surely watching reruns of Girls Next Door), I really looked at the question of what is it exactly, precisely, that I am wanting? Is it the affection, sure that's a plus. Is it the social life, the having company for dinner, someone to plan vacations with? Is it having someone to love and someone who loves me? Is it knowing that I have a future with someone, and the moving forward together with someone in making life plans? Sharing those life occassions like planning a wedding, buying a house together, starting a family?
Well, the bottom bottom line... there are so so many things I can't wait for, but if I had to choose the top ONE most important thing, it's that I simply want to share my life, my thoughts, my plans, my upsets, my successes. I want to say it all and be heard, to be able, in conversation, to toy with the direction of my life, choices I am making. It's like a conversational thread, a continual dialogue, someone who is following along with me on this journey. That may feel like a lot more than just one thing, but for me it was an absolute light bulb. I asked myself, can I deal with making social engagement without him? Of course! Can I get affection from my friends? Easy.
So, literally, within the first 1/2 of the very first page, everything dissolved and disappeared and I felt immediate and complete peace, trust, and faith. It was like he was right there holding me, hearing me. There was not one ounce of doubt, nor has there been since. He is right around the corner and I am comforted by the way he listens. I vary on how much I write. Several times now I've gone back and read the whole thing, end to end. What's fascinating to me is how much I repeat myself, the same stories I am chewing over, without ANY memory whatsoever of already having given the history. It's been a very interesting observation, whether it's the way that "women" express ourselves, telling our story over and over as we approach it from different angles, or if it's simply my way of beating something to death... I'm not sure! Also I do think that things do really disappear when we express them. And then they arise again, often in new form with a different shape, shade and intensity.
It's been lovely as well to read through what has transpired in my life in the past five months. In October I was just barely beginning to tap on the door of HR to sales. There were so many doubts about it, so many "this is ridiculous" thoughts. One of the really beautiful threads that I do see throughout the journal is how I have been powerfully envisioning what I really want, with the full intensity of pulling the feelings into my body and seeing it like it's really happening. No worries. No questioning. Just seeing it and feeling it.
All of that visioning stuff is compliments of a lot of my mom's research and recent journey over the past year, various courses and techniques she has introduced me to, on top of the many many years of the same training foundation through Landmark Education. Wow, the difference of this "goal setting" versus the tight, narrow and difficult way I used to approach getting what I wanted is truly black and white. So, the other day, a new statement came to me, "Any day now I am going to bump into him (the love my life), and we are going to know it right away". What I mean by that is, my eyes are open, I am ready and willing to have him, and I deserve to meet this incredible being because we are equals, spiritual searchers in life, and I will honor this man from the moment we cross paths.
The vision of that encounter is beginning to build. Tonight on my favorite walk at sunset, I passed two people sitting on a fallen tree next to the creek. It was that straining point between sunset and dark, but I could feel how engrossed they were in their conversation and they weren't going anywhere. And I thought of "our first date", how it's likely to be one of those "let's get coffee" then before you know it you've spent the entire day talking and laughing and biking and eating and it's midnight and holy shit - who IS this incredible person?
This really is a two-part post, and the second part is what I intended to write on but thought the journal was such a great introduction. Since the marathon I've been exploring about my about goals. Recently, one of my closest friends expressed very strongly that I am one of the most inspiring people she knows because how I see something I want want and then go after it, gets it done, no matter what the obstacles or amount of time or effort it takes to get there. I was then interviewing my dad for the partnership course and he said "you're always setting new goals for yourself, you always have your eye on the next big challenge." For whatever reason these both stuck with me - what is it with me and the goals!?
The thing is that I haven't thought of myself as someone who reaches goals. I've thought of myself as someone who always has a lot of goals, but never celebrated (or even thought that I did get to) the end point. And when I look back at my life, I don't see the major milestones, the accomplishments, more just the blend / sum of it all. The reason why is so funny to me, now. It's because when I stand looking toward the end point, the goal, I have a picture, an expectation for what it "looks like" to go after the goal. And in my pursuit, along the path, most of the time I get discouraged, most of the time I don't think I'm doing it right, most of the time I put a lot of pressure on myself, feel like I'm a slacker and tell myself that I'm not working hard enough or I should stop being so lazy! So, in the end when I get there, all I'm left with is yeah but, yeah but. Yeah but I struggled to run or my long runs were always hard or yeah but I didn't train to run fast so I always just ran slow. Yeah but I'm not making "enough" calls to create leads.
SO F*ING WHAT!!!!
That all stops now. I'm proud of who I am, I'm proud that I set goals in my life and I celebrate the many many many goals I have accomplished in my life. I celebrate the adventurer that I am, that I am a seeker, that I strive and am ambitious, and yes I will always having more things that I'm chasing after. I acknowledgment myself for my courage, for the unique ability to not know how and yet to pursue anyway. I am brave.
And, I know deep inside me that things things, those results, they don't make me complete or make me who I am. I am driven to achieve because I was born with it. It's not something I can control or stop, it's like standing in a raging river and commanding it to stop. Yeah right. Let her go, man, let her go.
Cheers to all of your wishes and desires. May the path look however it is meant to be. May you find your way with love and gratitude for yourself, and may you know that you are home, you are the destination.