Friday, March 21, 2008

On Deserving, Fear and Goals


% to Total Quota Q2 (Feb -Apr)
SOLD: $ 180,248
QUOTA: $ 190,335
QUOTA % Q2: 95%


Middle English, from Anglo-French deservir,
from Latin deservire to devote oneself to,
from de- + servire to serve

to be worthy of : merit
to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital


1: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger
2: a state marked by this emotion
3: anxious concern : solicitude
3: profound reverence and awe especially toward God
4: reason for alarm : danger

Some interesting escapades this past week. First, I closed my first big deal - $68k. Second, that put me up in first place among 40 on our extended team. Interesting response I had - when I closed the deal I whooped and hollered until I was red in the face. We happened to be in the middle of a team offsite so it was really fun having the team cheer me on. However, the next day when our "stack rankings" came out, for one second I felt "yay for me" then the next second I felt GUILT and FEAR.

Exploring the guilt, I found underneath was an "I don't deserve this". Half of that was that 100% of my leads and pipeline have been from referrals - in other words requests direct from the customer or a lead from my Field or Hardware rep. Many of them I would "work" myself, but in particular with my Intelligence accounts I actually can't even speak with the customer because I don't have clearance, so that rep has to work it even though they don't get paid on it. I had two bluebirds come in at the end of February in that category (one for $40k and one for $26k).

Anyway, so the guilt and deserving. The second part, of course with my ever present pursuit of the underlying psychology of things... it had me look at well, what do I think I deserve? What does that even mean for me? For a while now I've been realizing and witnessing the way that I push myself, so hard, during the workday. It's been almost entirely invisible to me and has only surfaced once I started to focus on how I can be more steady during stress. For example, if I get really busy or if I'm juggling a lot at once or under time pressure, I'll notice that I've literally been holding my breath and panting for two hours! Bad habit indeed.
Part of it is, as my family will attest, is that "force of nature" quality - he who stands in my way beware. This is obviously a good and bad quality, but seems to be innate, I was born with it and really don't think I can change it (nor do I want to). It's gotten me very far in life. My mom has always said that she loves it when I have something to throw myself into - as it uses up all my energy! And my therapist always sits wide-eyed every session as I spill about this and that situation, these activities that I do every week... she always says "it's so much!".
So why is it that I put so much pressure on myself? It seems like the (not) deserving factor weaves in and out of that high energy quality of myself. When coupled with my natural drive, it gets confusing as to where my "results" come from. Perhaps a mix of both really.
So, what would success look like if I were to remove the actions that come from "I don't deserve" (success)? I gave myself homework to define what success is to me:
* I'm having fun and just being myself
* I'm taking good care of my well-being
* I create a positive work environment for myself and others
* I inspire others and myself!
* I happen to make a lot of money due to the above
* My pace is steady - no matter what workload or deadline or pressure, I am calm and relaxed on the INSIDE
* I am continually creating games which have me play to win
* I'm always exploring "how is it that I'm effortlessly successful?"
* Good things continually bless my path, and I serve in gratitute
As most of you can imagine, in a sales environment, it can get hella scary when you're called in front of your manager's manager's manager with the questions of okay what about that deal? What can you do to get it closed this week? How can you pull deals expected to close next month and close them in March? AYYYYYYYYYYYYY YIY! Scary. Hence the fear this week. I have been locked in my throat and talk about not breathing. I have to admit though, it jump started me to make outbound lead gen calls fo' sho'. I made 55 calls yesterday. And, well, not one today but ah well. Fear is less. Helps to blog.

1 comment:

  1. consuelo7:09 AM

    I start this with another warning/disclaimer: Feeling a little "to the point and in your face" today....

    Helen, shut the hell up! You ROCK, work hard and deserve every bit of the results that come from that work. Take your fear and face it head on, use it to fuel you. And as a true Army brat/wife likes to say.....

    Suck it up and drive on!

    Love ya!!!!

    P.S. Blogging does rock! Am setting mine up and promise to let you in soon! Tommy's gotta see it first though :)