It began three weeks ago while I was in L.A., regarding the "stories" other people create around my well-being (i.e. that I'm selfish) and then continued the following weekend during the Girl Scout Summit in Steamboat Springs. The Summit was 11 Wisdom women, all graduates of the Wisdom course. I hadn't proactively thought through how to manage my well-being with the travel, allllll of those women talking and allllllll of the stimulation that comes with that. I experienced horrible anxiety, was very claustrophobic and a ultimately got a migraine. While the Girl Scouts circled to listen to each other's dreams and goals and callings, someone astutely noted that I did not seem at peace with my well-being.
I often refer to myself as having "more" or "special" needs than others, and get very frustrated that I am/seem too sensitive and have to be more vigilent than others about the little choices I make in my daily life. Despite my heightened management of my environment (sensory stimulation) I often feel defeated that I cannot control my responses (suffering from bouts of agitation, exhaustion, headaches... and thus need to disappear completely into my own quiet and peaceful home environment). Several Girls Scouts noted what a gift my sensitivity is, that I needed to honor and celebrate this instead of writing it off as a liability.
The last turn of the key was during a reading with my friend Shoshanna where I asked what else do I need to do to attract and invite my man into my life? She spoke to this full acceptance of all of myself and congratulated me on my digilence of "clearing" my space, my heart, my past over the past few years. She said it is time to give up that I have any more "work" to do on myself, that I am whole and lovely exactly as I am. Part of this includes any negative thoughts that I have about myself - what if I am exactly as I am meant to be? Could it be that I don't have any "special" needs, rather, I create environments which support me and have me be at the highest level and expression of my power?
As I passed by my full length mirror the other day, I stopped and went back. I noticed that when I look at myself in a mirror, it is usually at "parts" of me. I am "fixing" my hair or putting on make-up or evaluating how my pilates is really cutting my abs. I sat there for a long time, letting in the larger presence behind the emotions, behind the thoughts. This is the presence and perfection of the universe, this is the God in me. I imagined this man coming into my life, this peaceful gift... and I noticed and let go of the thoughts and concerns about this... the external measures that I am worthy of him... that I need to update my wardrobe or that I wish I had a newer less door-dinged BMW, all self-consciousness about any of my "things". Wow, this has been intense and amazing. I truly feel like I took a different road in the forest, so to speak. I let go of one path and a wide field populated with spring flowers and a blue-skied ocean view stands in front of me, free and wild, unhibited in its colorful perfection. It is stunning from all points of view. It needs nothing else to make the scene complete. And... this is me. This is it.