Thursday, April 24, 2008

Spring Sprouts

Thus begins the Spring shopping season! I was so sick of my spring shoe lineup - in particular not being able to dance Friday nights because my shoes would fall off - so I've been on the hunt for several weeks. I have a new technique - the Katia trick - of just buying even when I'm unsure and taking back later. Wow this really works. I typically buy shoes at DSW (Franco Sarto, Clarks and Sofft are my favorite brands because they're comfortable but stylish) but get quickly overwhelmed by the hundreds of shoes. The discounts are amazing, though, often close to 1/2 half off.

So I've settled on two black (one wedge, one slip on), one Clarks (leather flip-flops), one red (slip on heel), the animal print heel (above) and one bronze heel. I'm super stoked and ready to hit the bricks in style. One more thing - I realize this is a completely indulgent amount of shoe purchases, but I am okay with that. All of them are quality and will last me many seasons.

A word on Spring, from The Seasonal Detox Diet; Remedies from the Ancient Cookfire by Carrie L'Esperance (thanks Jen!):

The Spring season is a very important and inspiring time to do a cleansing fast. Our bodies begin to respond to the changing season by releasing foreign matter or toxins and mucus. By supporting our bodies with cleansing foods during this process we can accomplish very deep cleaning and come much closer to achieving optimum health. After a long winter of eating heavy foods, it is refreshing to cleanse and lighten our systems as we see the tender buds and blossoms emerge in this season of renewal.

I'm going to start a three day cleanse on Monday with Becca:
Morning: 8-noon eat kiwis, oranges, limes, grapefruit, lemons, apples, applesauce, apple juice (as much as I like).
Lunch/Dinner: noon - 8pm eat asparagus, beets, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, dandelion leaves, garlic, leafy greens, olive oil, parsley, parsnips and potatoes with skins, sprouts (as much as I like).

Lastly, I have had so many miracles and breakthroughs the past few months, and here is another one... for the past six weeks I have gradually become less and less productive/in action at work, along with an almost debilitating amount of avoidant behaviors during the work-from-home days (usually 3-4/5 days a week). These included watching TV and movies during the workday, taking waaay too many mid-day naps, lying on the couch with my laptop on the coffee table, looking at it occasionally throughout the day (passively) to WATCH for emails versus taking productive actions like actually calling customers. In other words, I was just short of being curled up in a fetal position, comatose - not a good way to run my sales business. While I LOVE that this job has me be 100% like a CEO running my own company (I can set my hours, my workload, etc), it really is up to me to cause results.
I felt like I was in a downward spiral, becoming less and less present, more dead and a my old enemy depression began to cast its shadow on me. I have been agonizing about this problem with many friends, trying to sort through what was happening and how I could turn myself around, only to be watching myself slip more everyday into a danger zone. Luckily with one conversation, a friend led me down a brilliant path - when did it start? what did you feel when this started? what did you make it mean?
I know exactly when it happened. It was the very first time my name popped up at the top spot #1 on my team for stack rankings (March 17th) - shit, writing that date made me realize it's only been four weeks. Funny how we exaggerate our failures. The email came out, I said WOO HOO OH MY GOD I'M #1 then the very next second OH SHIT - read the post on that day with all the fall-out "issues" I had with feeling guilty and like I didn't deserve that. Lots and lots of insights followed, like I have to WORK HARD to be successful, that I have to produce a lot of results and take a lot of actions to deserve recognition. During the lightening bolt conversation with Seana, I realized - do I have to DO anything to be loved? Can I just deserve love and receive love without feeling like I had to earn it??
And so it came to me... I have been doing EVERYTHING possible to proove that I'm "not that". I'm not that big name up in lights, I can't be that successful, I'm not worthy of being up on top, I'm not that amazing, etc. etc. It was proof of the brilliant quote by Marianne Williamson, and thus I give it up...
I deserve to receive and surrender to the power and greatness that is me... that is the ocean and the universe and ultimately the God within me.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

1 comment:

  1. Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay to the new shoes -- not indulgent. Yay to the cleasne -- may do this. For today (as I eat a pastry and drink coffee for breakfast while I read blogs) I will just think about it! Yay to be a huge, glaring neon light success! I would love to create a group of women who sources each other around how BIG can we get? Not big like packing on pounds, but be willing to occupy our space on the planet, grow fully into who we are, etc.
    And aren't jobs where you get to do this great? Otherwise you might not get to have this particular inquiry...
    LOVE those shoes...