Saturday, September 06, 2008

Transforming Yesterday's Strategies

vulnerable
uncomfortable
exploring

I'm feeling blindsided
by
my strategies
of being with people
(from the perspective of the course)

they continue
to unravel
like blindspots
and daggers

humbled
humiliated
humorous

and so they are:

1) BE A GIRL SCOUT ~ ALWAYS BE PREPARED
make sure I have everything I will need
might need
could need

otherwise

I might die
or there won't be enough
enough love
enough food
enough water, shelter, affection

2) DO YOU LOVE ME? TELL ME WHY, I NEED YOU TO SOOTHE ME
I expect you to make me feel better
to make me feel safe
sensitive to criticism
wanting your love
needing your approval
please please, do you love me?
your affirmations will never be enough
don't leave me
come back come back

3) FLIRTING FOR ATTENTION

hmmm
unable to see it
suddenly I'm watching
whoa I stop
it's good, I'm softer, less energy

4) ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT
you don't need to take care of me
I can do this myself
I need to be ahead of the game
I need to make sure that I'm taken care of
and I do that best myself
fuck you and what you want
I don't care what you want
I care what I want
and I will get what I want
why do people not even ask?
I ask
it's not my job to make sure you get what you want
stop being so passive and just ASK

selfish
selfish
Helen you're selfish

but truth is, I do care
I want to know
and explore something else

besides this trap
this grip

it's too tight
my breath
and how boring,
always thinking that I know
how it will go
and what will make me happy

there's no room there to breathe
it's like I'm so scared of the unexpected
it feels so dangerous
and therefore I....
(see #1)
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1 comment:

  1. You know, when I first read this, an image of you in the Forum flashed through my head. (We were kids!) And I thought how these, your strategies as you call them, have been with you for while. But, how wonderful that you know them so well, shining some light on them... Maybe you and your strategies could be (are already) friends? Maybe your strategies are looking for approval from you? It's like me and Albie... the more I love, approve, accept, hold, allow bring him in (rather than push him away), the less he clings...

    Love you, love that you share your shadows deeply, (hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts -- ha! there's me looking for approval!),
    xox
    J

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