Thursday, October 09, 2008

Working From Home

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I've realized of late that my home is starting to feel like a prison. What an awful feeling. Because I live alone and because my evening social life isn't jam packed, I'm wanting a change. It's hard to declare that I want to give up working from home, but the truth is that it's not actually good for me. A perfect scenario would be working out of an office two days a week.

What's great about working from home is I have the freedom to be my spontaneous self, especially regarding my self-care. I am NOT someone who works well on a schedule. I wake up, work out and eat at different times every day. Also I appreciate the ability to multi-task and take little breaks all day. It's never more than about 15 minutes to do something personal - like watch a few minutes of Ellen while I eat my lunch. Or throw a load of laundry in or do the dishes. It feels like it keeps my life humming.

But every day just rolls into another. I wake up. And I'm at home. There's so little to do during the day that I make up errands and things to do outside of the house. Perhaps if I was busier at work I might feel different, but this is also part of my job that I love. It's a great pace. Sometimes busy sometimes quiet.

I've been quite moody (read depressed!) about this for about six weeks. In part it's post-burning man stuff, wanting to make some changes to my after-hours social life. And partly it's because for years I hunkered down in this safe comfortable cozy environment, like a cocoon. I've done a lot of healing and grieving in this place, but now I have a different context for my life.

Yesterday I wondered if maybe it's time for me to live with others (GASP!). But then I think, wow if I was working in an office with people all day I would crave the quiet. The quiet right now just doesn't feel like it's rejuvenating. It feels like I'm drowning.

Again, I don't want to be ungrateful, because I'm insanely grateful. It's been amazing to not have to commute. To not have to get "ready" every day, or iron, or pack a lunch, or get in my car. I've made some beautiful adjustments to how I live that I know will last. For example I bike all over town now. It's my preference. It's so much more peaceful and I love winding down on the ride home.

It's also been the grace of god to allow me to be myself - meaning sometimes I'm withdrawn and moody, sometimes I'm exuberant and outgoing. It was hard when I worked in the office to come in when I was down or agitated or withdrawn. I'm just "that way". My personality is like the weather. I've done some work to be a little more consistent and predictable, but I can be a cranky and pissy person sometimes, and I don't like to be around people when I feel that way.

So I want to declare a shift! Please help me, powers beyond myself, please bring some opportunity into my life that will bring something new with a beautiful balance that has me well and humming along. Also I ask to be out with people, in person, as part of my job. An ideal (could be a fantasy) would be to sell in person to clients - Outside Sales? Reseller Account Manager? I even wouldn't mind travel, ideally ever other week for short two or three day trips. Bay area of *course* would complete the picture perfectly. I miss my three friends out there, and in particular miss getting to know and giggle and create memories with their babies Tesla, Sammy & Lulu. I want to cast my wish broadly, though, not thinking that "I know" what will make me happy but allowing anything to show up.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Wow! Wow! Have been away working and also so busy over on facebook and was out of touch with graceopenheart. You are moving through things sofast here, it seems! You go, girl! And you look great, to boot.

    Am soooooooo missing everybody. It's a real treat to get to connect with you this way. Take care. Keep blogging. Thanks for sharing!