At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I've realized of late that my home is starting to feel like a prison. What an awful feeling. Because I live alone and because my evening social life isn't jam packed, I'm wanting a change. It's hard to declare that I want to give up working from home, but the truth is that it's not actually good for me. A perfect scenario would be working out of an office two days a week.
What's great about working from home is I have the freedom to be my spontaneous self, especially regarding my self-care. I am NOT someone who works well on a schedule. I wake up, work out and eat at different times every day. Also I appreciate the ability to multi-task and take little breaks all day. It's never more than about 15 minutes to do something personal - like watch a few minutes of Ellen while I eat my lunch. Or throw a load of laundry in or do the dishes. It feels like it keeps my life humming.
But every day just rolls into another. I wake up. And I'm at home. There's so little to do during the day that I make up errands and things to do outside of the house. Perhaps if I was busier at work I might feel different, but this is also part of my job that I love. It's a great pace. Sometimes busy sometimes quiet.
I've been quite moody (read depressed!) about this for about six weeks. In part it's post-burning man stuff, wanting to make some changes to my after-hours social life. And partly it's because for years I hunkered down in this safe comfortable cozy environment, like a cocoon. I've done a lot of healing and grieving in this place, but now I have a different context for my life.
Yesterday I wondered if maybe it's time for me to live with others (GASP!). But then I think, wow if I was working in an office with people all day I would crave the quiet. The quiet right now just doesn't feel like it's rejuvenating. It feels like I'm drowning.
Again, I don't want to be ungrateful, because I'm insanely grateful. It's been amazing to not have to commute. To not have to get "ready" every day, or iron, or pack a lunch, or get in my car. I've made some beautiful adjustments to how I live that I know will last. For example I bike all over town now. It's my preference. It's so much more peaceful and I love winding down on the ride home.
It's also been the grace of god to allow me to be myself - meaning sometimes I'm withdrawn and moody, sometimes I'm exuberant and outgoing. It was hard when I worked in the office to come in when I was down or agitated or withdrawn. I'm just "that way". My personality is like the weather. I've done some work to be a little more consistent and predictable, but I can be a cranky and pissy person sometimes, and I don't like to be around people when I feel that way.
So I want to declare a shift! Please help me, powers beyond myself, please bring some opportunity into my life that will bring something new with a beautiful balance that has me well and humming along. Also I ask to be out with people, in person, as part of my job. An ideal (could be a fantasy) would be to sell in person to clients - Outside Sales? Reseller Account Manager? I even wouldn't mind travel, ideally ever other week for short two or three day trips. Bay area of *course* would complete the picture perfectly. I miss my three friends out there, and in particular miss getting to know and giggle and create memories with their babies Tesla, Sammy & Lulu. I want to cast my wish broadly, though, not thinking that "I know" what will make me happy but allowing anything to show up.