Friday, April 03, 2009

you're " too much"








intense
adjective

existing or occurring in a high or extreme degree: intense heat; acute, strong, or vehement, as sensations, feelings, or emotions: intense anger; of an extreme kind; very great, as in strength, keenness, severity, or the like: an intense gale; having a characteristic quality in a high degree: The intense sunlight was blinding; strenuous or earnest, as activity, exertion, diligence, or thought: an intense life; exhibiting a high degree of some quality or action; having or showing great strength, strong feeling, or tension, as a person, the face, or language; susceptible to strong emotion; emotional: an intense person; (of color) very deep: intense red.

I've been told many times in my life wow, you're crazy! So intense. Very passionate. Wild. "Out there". Usually I celebrate this, cheering along and saying Yeah, I let my inner freak out. Every once in a while, though, I take it as a bad thing and start to supress myself. I hear intense and I think I'm too much, I should pipe down. I'm being obnoxious. I shouldn't have said that or done that or been that way.

Sometimes I can feel people watching me, observing... sometimes with applause and sometimes with caution or even fear... and some, yes, say that I should put a lid on it. Some think I'm brave to put heart and soul out here for people to see, some say they could never do that but they love that I'm so free. And actually it's pretty rare these days that I try and put a lid on it, but the past few months I've teetered back and forth between full unadultered self-expression and fully collapsing in self-consciousness (shame).


Last night I went dancing and realized how stuck I was in my body. I felt like I was moving like a puppet. It took me several songs, dancing with my eyes closed, to finally feel the music and move fluidly again. One of the things I love the most about myself is my ability to dance like no one is watching. What fun is it to feel afraid dancing? I find ways when I dance to put images into my body, and last night I was a hula hoop. Oooooh yeah. When I got home, close to midnight, I felt SO alive and so happy again. I'm not going to judge myself for being so hard on myself the past few weeks, but wow is my body tight and ready to let go. Thank you, once again, for the many of you who encourage me to bust out exactly as I am. And thank you to those who say I inspire you to be brave and put yourself out there more. It means the world to me. xoxo

5 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:58 PM

    This is the Helen I know and love…never change…xoxo DC

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  2. Anonymous1:22 PM

    I think you are splendid. If people can't deal, that's THEIR issue, not yours! People watch you because they admire you. If they can't talk it it's because THEY are afraid. It's okay. You are loved and adored!

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  3. Anonymous1:56 AM

    Well said the above comments, always be yourself.

    Leigh

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  4. You ARE intense, but that's one of the things that I love so much about you!!! So DON'T change! A.B.

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  5. sarah2:15 PM

    I think you're "just right." Thanks for being my friend!

    Actually, can you rev it up just a little bit more? Okay, that's about good. Perfect.

    ReplyDelete