Thursday, June 25, 2009

well well well

Funny how I just got re-inspired to write a blog post by my friend who made me want a blog in the first place! www.kokochi.com . I was reading along about Tesla, catching up on her discoveries about the gender of cats, etc. and it just made me realize how much I haven't been sharing since the discovery of facebook.
It always kind of bugged me when I would post little things on my.blog, like a picture of my dinner, because combing through the years and months of my blog it felt like a lot of fluff. Apparently there's nothing wrong in my book with fluff, and for quick proof go to my facebook page and read my daily commentary on anything from how cute my cat is to whining about the weather.

So I'm 36 and I'm a serial face-booker. Along with millions of others. So I was sitting here wondering tonight, would I be so into blogging and Facebooking if my life weren't so boring? What a crazy question. My life is the last thing from boring!

And yet...

Always I return to that essential itch within. What am I doing with my life? It's so silly, I'm getting up everyday and living my life doing what I'm doing. I watch my mama friends consummed by the demands and feeding, chasing, training, singing, bathing and raising their children and I wonder.... when I'm a busy mom will I still have the itch? Is my angst because I'm single? Because I'm so fucking bored in my job?

I don't know. But it would be so interesting to have someone count the # of times I repeat this whole existential life questioning.

But please don't read this wrong! Being bored and searching for something does NOT mean I'm unhappy. Whoa I've come a long way in that department. Worked hard on that one.

I truly have a VERY full life now. In particular, my life changed completely after I went to Hawaii last August. I went back to Burning Man and sort of re-discovered or perhaps simply recovered some crazy wild free part of me. I had prayed for two years to have a more robust social life, and it was like I unzipped a curtain and a whole new Boulder stood in front of me. As proof, one day a took a new "burner / cruiser" friend and saw that on facebook we shared 65 friends. No shit then you add all my new friends in the gay community and that's a lot of new people!

And oh my social calendar and my costume closet have been so well exercised since then! A few weeks ago I was looking ahead at my last "plans" - first week of July my friend Niki is coming to visit - and I said, wow then I have NOTHING else planned for the summer.

Except I want to make a trip out to San Francisco again, babies are growing! And there's the mile High music festival. Oh and in September the artist's workshop in NH hopefully topped by XT's wedding in NY (to the sweetest guy, btw, makes me believe in love!!).

So, as my therapist said, "Helen your old life is gone. Never again will you sit night after night on your couch alone invitation-less". I think this is true.

And.... Not that I'm saying it's wrong, but I feel a need to come back into balance a bit. Not that I want to throw myself 150% into working, but I think when I have a job that is more engaging, I will be more well-rounded. I've come to realize that so many of us aren't satisfied with our jobs. What a miracle if someone could help us figure out what we all love! My whole discovery that I love to write about my deep thoughts.... Well I believe, I really do, that *someday* someday I will write more seriously and something will come of it. I had a good run right out of the gate at the beginning of this year and did many things towards those passions, but somehow I lost steam. And I'm totally cool with that. I know myself enough to know that I'm not linear. I'm a spazz that launches 100mph into something, gets everyone excited, and while they are straining their eyes to watch me come around the track, I walk up behind them with a lemonade saying have your heard about how you should do an all lemon cleanse in the spring?

Random. Thoughts.

So anyway. I'm "back". Especially since I stalk Katia's blog multiple times a day, greedy for more Luchi stories or pictures of juju art, I think it's time I get back to my roots and start thinking and spewing.

1 comment:

  1. AWWW! Helen! Good to see you writing again, i've missed your voice! Thank you for your sweet comment about S~ I am so happy for all of the amazing abundance you are cultivating, inspiring me as always lady! I will be in SF July first week, you comin??? xoxo

    ReplyDelete