Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Another Shamanic journey...

I invite my guide/helpers to help me re-establish connection with my body and be fully rooted in my body and into the earth to light up, heal and brighten this area. The womb a bright, white light hands coming around the back side, feeling of me sitting in her lap. I can feel the safety of being in that lap, then ripping me out of the lap, tension in my throat....my hands are lying in her palm...on her face.

She says I have a gift for you, something to offer to you for you to re-enter/take possession of your body again. There's an image of me bolting running away of the need to hide don't want to be hurt again, fear.

Mom's boyfriend tried to kill her. So we jumped out the window and ran. I thought I'd die. Pressure/pain in lower abs. no one's protecting me. I'm always ready to run. If I let go of that fear, I won't run and I’ll be trapped. I'm running down the ally with the garbage cans, crouching in a dark corner.....hide...hide...extreme adrenaline and survival.

She called him the next day to come get us. This is where I left my body...

She came to the dumpster (guide). We left the earth....what are you trying to grow through? It's to return to my body and own my power.... the part that could feel safe and comfortable in your body, that could settle in and be safe.

We moved to LA in high school. So different. I had to go numb to live. I felt paralyzed. I was looking over my shoulder.

(The Guide) She's taking my hand, you learned the only safety was in running leaving the world was not a safe place. Let us help you experience something different. Let's run together now. I just run, sprint, it feels so good. I come to the edge and dive off a cliff, a swan dive, as if into water, but suddently I’m a bird, flying. It's totally safe and feels so good not to be on the earth...I can feel the power of the beings. We invite you to come fly with us...I am one of your spirit helpers... I bring you the gift of perspective, of freedom, of presence in your body and in the moment.

I'm riding at the head of the flock and the golden Spirit birds are in a V behind me. I feel their presence, the safety of them behind me. Four of them swoop up under me, intetrlocking their wings and backs so I could rest on them. I nestle in, under their white pure feather, as if I'm in bed with the covers on. I don't want to go back.

A place of golden -their are hands on me. I'm on their lap. I'm back to that house. What would it be like to stand up to him? You can fly with spirit in your mind so you can afford to be present and in your body. But he has a gun...

In the hallway...the image of the gun is so powerful. I can't look around the corner at him, there is nothing I can do.

It would have been unwise to stand up to him then. Running was o.k., but if you live your life from that position, he's stolen something from you.

I'm smashing the windows of the house with a baseball bat. I'm taping the house up and he's inside. Duct tape.

Reclaim what was lost, reclaim your power, reclaim your right and ability to be present. Leave this behind you. It's in the past but take yourself with you invite yourself home...from here you can create peace in your world.

I can create in my mind a home. The little duck-taped house is tiny. My house is huge. It’s a retreat and a temple.

Bring home the part that couldn't trust her caretakers to take care of her..that couldn't trust the world or even her place in it..for you have much now that you can draw on.......Let them help immerse you in a warm salt bath to draw out the unneeded adrenaline, anxiety, worry. You can draw on what you need in times of danger, but you don't need it now.

There's anger over what was taken from me. How could she not protect us? How could you put us in that situation? How could you take us back to it? This man is crazy. Are you crazy? What part of you thinks this is o.k.? This wasn't fair or right. I'm leaving this behind. I'll protect myself. I'm safe. You're dangerous and I'm leaving. You stop. It’s unacceptable, shame on you. My sister is only six years old! I'm taking her and me. You're horrible and mean.

Image of taking your sister's hand and walking away towards the light. A feeling of a bigger being and comes down and you step into the palm. There's a whole glowing light inside. It's coming out in beams. Coming out of my body. Welcome home. The soul part returns. She's reconnecting with herself.

The volume has been up so high in my head because the lower chakras have been off/absent/disconnected. Be patient, gentle, kind. Everything's going to be alright. I can trust that I'll get past this. I will get in balance. Everything's progressing perfectly. I don't need to be afraid. Without the imbalance, I won't be able to see the strength of the balance. They are always here behind me. I can do art and journal about this.

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