Thursday, August 13, 2009

Trust




Entry from my journal:

Change is coming. If I don’t learn to relax all by myself, everywhere, anytime, I can’t have fun writing a book. I will always feel only this good. What’s that next layer, oh yeah, change is coming.

Who are my friends? Looking at love, I want to fall in love. I want to be sweaty. I want to be dancing everywhere all the time. Even if sadness, the joy lights up my eyes. I want to live on the edge. I’m mostly smiling.

I’m pissed off. My body was betrayed. I hate what was taken. I just want everyone to love me. I’m afraid. That hurt me.

Soft
Open
Kind
Sweet
Moss
Heart
Rage
Fear
Closed

If we are free

Where am I. Very very strange place. Someday I’ll forget. I feel spiritually bankrupt. What that means is I’m not in my body. Being in a spiritual crisis has me not be present. Because being spiritual is about being present. Don’t even know how one possibly can case that – being present. I should say how I cause that.

I get glimpses in the mirror of how much of life would change if I took on being relaxed in all those areas. I don’t even know right now who I want in my life. It’s very few. These body injuries are ridiculous. I mean, come on! A hernia? You’ve got ot be joking. And the ankle so I can hardly walk? I’m so stressed and it’s for no reason at all. There’s such tension in my jaw and it’s all the time. Creating art is about this. It’s what’s magical.

I have trust issues. Don’t we all, or is this perhaps just realizing it’s my time to deal with mine? I just don’t even know what just happened in my life. At this point I never considered that what needed to change was me.

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