Friday, February 26, 2010

Dead and gone

Justin Timberlake's song "Dead and Gone"

Hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone

I've been having these really awful dreams this week - translate I see dead people - culminating in a dream that I hit a friend of mine with my car. She landed on my hood (naked) with her head breaking the windshield glass. Also the same night I dreamt that I was a little girl being stalked by a creepy man with molester eyes. It totally disturbed me, as I'm sure it does you!

In sitting with what this all means, I think it's that I've been going downhill the past two months, like dead girl walking. It's strange because there are some areas of my life where I feel really alive, really well, but then there's this overall fog that comes over me during the evenings or on the weekends. I feel icky and cranky and doing things over and over that aren't pleasurable. The main thing that doesn't feel good is excess TV watching. There's an appropriate amount that is fun and entertaining, usually an hour, then there's that extra mind-numbing hour that is never as fun. It's not easy to confront what a TV junkie I've become! I was so anti-TV my whole life, it's really strange to look at how it takes over my day. I hate watching it in the morning, and then by the end of the night I can't stop. Looks like an addiction to me. There's so many studies that talk about how our brain waves respond to TV - putting us into a nearly comatose state, literally as asleep as someone is is unconscious and nearly brain dead. There's also something to contemplate about TV being my friend. What an empty one way friendship that is!

There's some other factors that have been building up over the past year - questions about my identity and issues that have re-surfaced from childhood, ways that I shut down my voice around things that don't work for me, slurred boundaries, facing self-loathing and self-punishment, confusion about what I want from my life in relationship (wondering if I'm ever going to get married, afraid that I have significant intimacy issues or that being happy in relationship is all just a bankrupt fantasy). What's all that cynicism about marriage? Is it because I didn't grow up with parents who stayed together or because I've seen so many marriages end because of affairs or because I've seen people go to sleep / be numb to the things that don't work but they stay in the desperately unhappy marriage anyway?

And then I think - don't we all have these issues? What can I do when all of this bubbles to the surface other than to look at the foam and wonder what's in that soup? I want to burn it off, rise once again like the phoenix of re-invention. Praying for some freedom!

3 comments:

  1. H, Intense. Real. Vivid. Specific. Bold and CONFIDENT!
    The clarity in your writing/thinking tells me that you DO KNOW that LOVE is real. Hope is paramount. It's your ability to SEE the contraries that allow for BOTH emotions to be felt. (William Blake epitomizes this in his poetry- read "The Tyger" and "The Lamb"). Anyone blind to all these realizations have never felt SHEER JOY. YOU have and you will again. BE OPEN and try and let go to anything dark- at this point, it doesn't serve you but detour you from harmonious happiness.

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  2. PS The TV issue surprises me about you... just SHUT IT OFF! :)
    Back to running, reading, writing, eating delicious fortifying food, playing in nature, time with friends and family and prayer.

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  3. Yes, TV is a brain drain, I agree. I didn't grow up with it on all the time and I'm not a huge fan of it either. I understand! I get up and walk away.

    Love will come....look what happened to me. Be yourself, love yourself. We love you!

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