Monday, July 19, 2010

free of fear


You have NO fear of healing others, she said
Do you understand that is a big deal?
You have NO fear of healing others,
yet you have fear about everything else.

FEAR

Darkness
Ignoring
Avoiding
Annoying!

I got a reading yesterday from the sweet Julie Cobb, one of the major mentors in my life around psychic stuff. She is the one who pushed me gently over the edge into trusting that I need to start my practice. Since it's totally "on the side" and not my day job, I had been postponing it until the "someday/later". When does someday/later ever come? I pulled a tarot card a few weeks ago with the question about starting my side biz and got POSTPONING. HA. Shocker.

Anyway, I have been super freaking out progressively over the past 12 weeks about my day job. For the last two years I've been successfully playing with intentions with my sales. Over and over, every month, if I reliably put energy into my workday, just doing simple things, sales would flow in. Often it was none of the deals I was even working on, but it seemed that energy out always equaled energy in.

Then, in May things started to hit bottom, with $60k booked. My three month quota is $400k. So I had $340k to go. Usually if I have a small month the next is bursting. My business has almost always just come in, customer inquiries, referrals from the field or partners, old customers coming back for me. So I set new intentions for June and then watched as nothing happened. Incoming emails slowed down to almost nothing and I booked $0. ZERO. That has never happened to me. At first it didn't bother me, I just trusted things would turn around. That's been the big thing over the past two years, I've developed trust that everything always works out.

And so far, 20 days into July and 10 days away from the end of the quarter, I am totally embarrassed and DEVASTATED that my projections look like I'll be around 20% of quota. Because we ramp up with higher quota each quota, I'll have $1M to make up in the last two months of the fiscal year. That's a huge huge huge number. Ugh.

After the reading I saw that "the Universe" always sends us exactly what we need. This message I'm getting right now is fierce and clear. It's got my attention. I have to deal with what it means to be failing. I have to confront my value and my self-esteem as it relates to external results. Can I validate myself no matter what the world tells me? Can I empower myself and honor my bigness no matter what any outside measurement tells me? Can I keep going even when the cards are stacked against me? Whew. I know I can come back around, I always do.

The other message I'm getting is I have to admit my passion has worn thin for this job. What is next? How can I have my day job reflect my strengths? I want to be establishing long-term partnerships, to be a liaison and a project manager. In many ways this job holds no challenge for me. I don't find sales to be difficult, well, at least the kind of sales I'm doing. I just keep making the calls and asking to talk to the right person until I get the answers. I make friends easily so usually the people I'm speaking with give me the name. I need to return to what I do love about this job, and pronto. That will help lift my spirits. I absolutely love hitting my number. It's such a measurable result and it comes with a bonus of extra money! Woo hoo. For years I worked at jobs that had fixed pay. Despite extra work you would get a flat paycheck. I've been thinking about if that would work for me again. I think in some ways it would, as long as the annual salary is commiserate to what I feel I'm "worth".

So, onward. Today is a new day!

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