Sunday, July 25, 2010

I'm allergic to the wrong man!


Wowsers. Yesterday I saw an energy healer who does work with the "psychology of symptoms". As I've been doing more readings, I've been called to do more of the energetic clearing in the body, and thought not only would he help with chronic plumbing backup, but I would be able to witness and learn from a powerful energy worker. It completely exceeded my expectations and I'm super excited to take his weekend training course in September.

The first thing he saw was that the energy direction of my intestines was going backwards. In other words instead of going clockwise and out, it was coming up from the colon back into my body. How crazy is that? I knew right away that it came from the blunt force from the first time I had sex. [This link & what I write in italics below is upsetting material, so please pause and consider if you want to get into that space before you click and read!] Isn't it NOT funny that this is how I phrase being date raped the first time I had sex?

We went to work on this, and man that guy + me working with my energetic body + my angels & guides went 100 MPH into my healing. The recap:

I have always thought it was my fault and that I was bad.
I drank, I flirted, I was drunk, it was my fault.
WHAT THE FUCK??
He came upstairs after I went to sleep.
He didn't ask. He knew I was a virgin.
I was 100% blacked out.
He didn't ask.

I've held that I'm bad for exactly 20 years.
Punishing myself for what I did wrong actually kept me safe.
I was able to then make all the right choices and keep me out of danger.

We spent some time investigating where I could find compassion for myself.
I was excited about him coming to the party!
I had a crush on him.
He was the first person I had gone on a real date with.
This was date #3.
I didn't drink! I had no idea when to stop.
I flirted heavily with him at the party - but of course I did!
I left the party because I knew I needed to leave & go to bed.
The next morning my friend's response created my reality.
It was untrue and not supportive and loving,
and put into the context of just something that happened.

There was no support.
In the first moment of pain, my mind went to the jacuzzi outside.
My brother, my friends, they were out there.
Come, help! But I didn't speak.
So I felt no support.
I didn't even think to call my mom.
A similar thing happened to her and she would have soothed me.

That morning, washing the sheets worrying about the blood stains.
That was my biggest concern.
I went to work, selling shoes, spaced out.
Part of me sort of excited - a rite of passage,
part seriously confused.
I was alone, no support.
I felt horrible inside.

I have worked on this in therapy for years and years, but never fully got the extent the of self-blame. It grew into tight chords of punishment, criticism, needing to be perfect. I could feel it in my 3rd (power) chakra and that 16 year-old did NOT want to let go. If she did let it go, how would she ever protect herself?

He asked me what was underneath the "I'm bad". "I just want to be loved", a 3-4 year old. We went back there and searched for who most gave me that love. I could feel it but couldn't locate who it was. Suddenly he sad it was a protector spirit, an angelic being of light. My grandmother Helen, maybe? For a long time, he had me lean back to feel support, and I felt the brutal weight of self-protection and control drain down my back. He went into my liver and saw anger. That drained. My hip sockets started expanding. He gasped as more angels and light beings came into the room. He kept saying, you have SO much support!!

And then he asked about my coaching, do you work with women? Oh, yeah he did. We talked about how our greatest gold is where we are most blocked. This is my final frontier. I'm going to support women around their sexual healing, their feminine power, their guts, their health, self-blame and asking for support. He saw my path, and said that I absolutely am going to help gobs of women around this. I thought it was cool that he was the one who brought it up. It felt good but also I already know that so it's simply more validation.

Lastly he asked if I wanted kids and how old I was. Cue the fears of oh god oh shit am I not going to be able to have kids?? But he simply wanted to clear all of this out of my womb so my children don't inherit these fierce patterns. Awesome, take it! Then he looked into my space around a future long-term relationship and validated that the right man is coming, and that it is with this man that I will heal sexually. And he kept saying, you have to have the RIGHT man. You know this.

Then a lightbulb went off and he said one of the best / funniest thing anyone has ever said to me, "it's like you're ALLERGIC to the wrong man!". This is precisely how I have felt most of my life. The very second I meet a man I am a yes or a no. There's only been a small handful that have come near a yes, and usually they were a maybe. So here's to that beautiful future and more healing...

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