My friend introduced me to this very "Boulder" mix of dance/worship/self-expression event on Sunday mornings. There's probably about 80 people who gather, in a beautiful large room with wood floors and high ceilings (it's called the Circus Center - where people do all sorts of classes like juggling, fabric dancing, etc). It's a very free-form hour with intensely beautiful music that weaves in and out and up and down, with a woman encouraging all sorts of expression and energy for the hour. You're encouraged to be inward, not looking at others but being with yourself. There's some things that people do which make me judgmental and uncomfortable, like making sounds when they exhale, even to the point of almost yelling to express their inner state. Either way, I really LOVE it. It frees me and allows me to tap into what I'm feeling.
This week I was really surprised when I saw one woman crying hard, with several people close in by her, holding her back and giving her sideways hugs. Then, another woman. Then another. I noticed my response was to want to look at them, to confirm - are you crying? Are you okay? It's so rare that people cry in public! It seemed to start escalating and these women were sobbing. At the time the music was louder and thumping, so it wasn't totally audible. But very soon she was bringing the music down as it was towards the end of the hour. The sobbing was sprinkled throughout the room and it made me want to look and see. Who was crying? Why? I rolled onto my back, hugging my knees, and suddenly I wanted to cry too. This is how I cry - two ways - either tears well up into my eyes OR my face scrunches up and only then do tears spill onto my face. I'll admit it, I've always been slightly jealous of people like my sister who start to cry and really cry. Not sobbing, but just letting it out. So I found myself wanting to cry but self-conscious about my squishy face! Interesting. But, it did get me in touch with some pain in my heart, this soft and raw vulnerable feeling of anger mixed with hurt. The rest of the day I was aware of my heart. It was good but also made me realize that I don't want around all the time aware of what I'm feeling in there. Made for a good, quiet Sunday.