Saturday, June 04, 2011

Intense Frustration

Here's the patio outside my office. It's also our "money" area in feng shue, so I planted some things out there. I feel like it reflects the difference I am making at my new job: still newly planted, seems like I haven't done much but will be really beautiful and splendid in a few months.

Luckily I know that my enneagram Type 4, when upset, feels a great deal of intensity and frustration. What a fun combo! Otherwise I wouldn't know how to deal with myself right now. It's also really nice to have a record of going through a job transition like this before. Right now I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an intersection and just stepped out of the way of a reckless car - and step back right into the path of another car coming right at me from behind. I haven't gotten slammed yet though. I'm doing my best to dance around and be twinkle toes, but that feeling of a narrow miss is haunting me. I've officially been at this for three months and three weeks. But who's counting?

I took this job because 1) I needed to leave HP, working from home and the chains of corporate life, 2) I really wanted to have free reign of a business, learn to run a business and use my strengths as a Director, and 3) to help out my friend (who I've known for a long time). But before I took the job, all my hours of pros and cons whittled down to three questions: will I love the work, can I be successful and can this "relationship" (me and owner) thrive? The relationship component was critical for me.

Going from a massive corporation to a small business of 10 employees - wow. I was well aware that working with an owner who had never worked for anyone else in 20 years could be tricky. Especially when my style is TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION! Ha. Obviously I know I have a strong personality and am that being driven means I drive drive drive others. I got an astrology reading on me and this guy (of course I did), and she saw lots of success, but said "if you don't kill each other first".

So how do I sum this up? Basically I was hired to turn around a business that was in big trouble. And, since my added salary only added to the "trouble", now it's mayday mode. I get it. I'm not the one who has to carry the burden, the stress, the pressure, the anxiety. However, I AM the one who was brought in to take those burdens away, and I don't feel a recent assessment of my performance has been entirely fair.

The truth of it all, though, is that from a numbers perspective, when you look at the sheet of expenses you have to ask - is this person bringing enough value to justify the expense? Some things need to change for sure, for me, in order to feel that the answer is yes. I know that I didn't make the impact I wanted to make. I know that I got exceptionally distracted by lots of crazy-making and also had some very specific needs that were not met. So now I'm feeling a mix of fear (of being let go) and fire (to roll up my gloves and get some shit done!).

I've had some supremely dedicated listeners during this saga (and I call it that because we 4's love the drama, love the passion and the heaviness), and I appreciate you profusely. I'm learning so much about myself in this process and it ain't easy or pretty. More to come...

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