Last week I started to notice that I was feeling very heavy in the mornings (in the head, and also in the ass!). A light bulb came on and I remembered that there's a week every Fall (since I've been tracking my moods - four years now) where I get depressed. A ha! I never remember which week it was but sure as shit, in my notes, it is the 2nd week of September. That is so crazy, like clockwork. The very first thing I did was force myself to get up early in the morning instead of going in and out of sleep. It is confounding to me how immediate that little change is. It really does (most of) the trick. I'm still a little disoriented, foggy, a bit lost, but I'm so grateful for the investment I made in years of psychotherapy to understand my chemistry.
To add to this lovely week, unfortunately my trip to Idaho got cancelled (a bad injury of Morgan's boyfriend Ken - 10 days on IV antibiotics). While I am at peace with not going, I was and still am a bit crushed. There are so many reasons for my disappointment... like I needed one more get-away to get AWAY from my day-to-day unemployment. This is, after all, my summer of avoidance! I wanted to be out of my house and close to nature, out hiking in the wilderness of Hailey, ID, exploring somewhere new. I was just dying to spend endless time having deep conversations about life and what's next for me, collaging and in general getting my head ready for action. So over the past two days, as I wandered through the day of no-plans, I made a couple collages of how I'm feeling.
I realized this morning that I need to focus on doing one ("just one") thing a day, to have that feeling of accomplishment or moving forward. I know that at some point I'll spring into action, as I inevitably do, but right now there's little motivation (could be due to the mild depression too). Today (besides collaging), I called UNC to ask for information about their M.A. in Counseling program. I am definitely considering going to grad school. Perfect time to do it! I'm also looking at Regis (30 grand - really??) and University of Phoenix.
While I'm speaking of dreams, here is my shrine, where my prayers are planted