Sunday, October 16, 2011

The Bridge to Everywhere and Everything

I'm crossing the bridge. I thought I knew. I had an idea, an image, a plan. I expected things would go a certain way and I had a vision of how this would be.

And by "this", I mean this lovely and amazing time following my departure from employment. And by departure I mean this purposeful choice to leave a certain life behind; to let go and let something else guide me. The business cards, the job title, the salary and benefits... good-bye.

As I walk along, I don't look back; and I am shocked by this. I'm looking around and looking ahead, and so much is unfamiliar. I don't fight it. It's exciting. I feel light, free and curious. And best of all, the more I relax, the more silent my life becomes. The struggle has been lifted. And in this quiet, I am listening.

Then suddenly a storm pushes up from inside me, a voice that demands WHAT ARE YOU DOING? It screams DO SOMETHING! "What are you waiting for?" (It doesn't like all this non-doing). It catches me off guard, an interruption in my otherwise peaceful existence. I am recognizing that this voice is not me. This is history. It is a side of myself that needed control to feel safe, success to feel powerful; external validation that I am Good. This is not what I want to motivate me anymore.

But oh I did think I would be motivated, that I would be all fired up "to build my coaching business". I thought I would be Turbo-excited, a force of nature, a whirling dervish. I would be marketing, blogging, writing, and have lots of clients, lots of groups. My website, with back-links to Facebook and a hip I'm-not-winking-but-it-seems-like-I-am self-portrait, would be all up in lights like Helen-Kearney-meets-Vegas!

Then yesterday, with that pushpushpush lurking, I had an epiphany. That vision of how I thought things be, I was just trying be like other successful people. I expected myself to build my business the way other motivational and inspirational speakers/coaches do. Oh, right, I should jump into that mould. Then I will be in control, feel safe and powerful. And I will have external validation that I am Good (sound familiar?). Wow.

I've tried that formula before. I've attempted to located "who I am" in a box that fits me. For years I have looked around for what fits me, and it's all been wrong. Where the hell is my box? Where do I belong? How do I fit in? Well I don't. None of us do. We are all our own peculiar and unique brand of ourselves. So once again, I let go. I give in to being Me. I will follow along as my career creates itself. Remind me if I forget, ok?

"We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

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