graceopenheart

Dentists Galore!

2012-01-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

This was where I spent my last few days, rocking out at the Dentist convention for DentistSites. We do websites and internet marketing for Dentists, and the same for other new markets (Vets, Physical Therapists, Doctors, Coaches, and Therapists). Probably what I loved the most was how beautiful our booth is. It is so professional, hip, efficient and clean looking. Other exhibitors even commented on how great the booth is. Nothing wrong with looking good! It is really easy for me to represent a company like this. I authentically love the product, think all the pieces of the company are well put together and am having so much fun building something from the ground up. Fun!

Space and the awareness of Space. This is the basic message.

2012-01-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

R.I.P.
Space
July 1 - December 31, 2011

The Bubble.

I was living in my own sweet bubble,

the last six months.

All my own,

all to myself.

I had quiet, no obligations,

nothing but time.

No meetings,

no job, to business to tend.

Life got small,very small

and that was lovely.

The outside world

pushed away,

and I came into myself.

There was joy

and grounded happiness.

Everyone saw.

I saw.

I loved this time.

I had space to hear me, hear what I wanted.

It was horses.

sniff, snort,

spook, shiver.

It's feeding time,

and they are frisky up at the gate,

waiting, thirty of them.

It's still the highlight of my week,

Tuesdays and Fridays, 2:30-5pm.

We (three) bring them in, one by one, from pasture.

They are so attentive to us,

watching our every move.

Then they grow impatient, demanding their dinner.

River gets three flakes and 1 lb. of grain,

Mama just two.

Each one of them has a recipe.

Different, special.

Eddie is the biggest,

he scares me and it's thrilling.

My heart pounds next to him,

a dance of possibility,

he may try to shove me aside

to get into his pen,

anxious and urgent for food.

His thick dark black coat,

magical golden brown

undercoat and on his chin.

Like a bear.

I am grieving,

heartbroken.

The Space has officially completed.

I had to get a job. Up I go again.

The mornings are killer.

So much to do.

Then I arrive, to work,

skidding in, just on time.

It's "just" 30 hours a week,

flexible,

yet so painful.

Now again I'm doing head work.

90% of the time on the computer.

Business Development.

I like my coworkers,

but working an 8 hour day?

For the dogs.

Who can really be productive for 8 hours?

Am I complaining?

Actually, no. Hear me

as I hear myself.

I am working,

working on balance.

I have full permission,

from my friend the Boss,

to create my hours as I like.

I'm can do whatever I want.

But all I want to do is be in session with a client.

In time, time, time.

Two years?

Everybody's gotta pay their bills.

And I'll pay mine.

Self-compassion

in this time of transition,

as I grieve the loss.

Letting it go.

Who understands?

December 2012

2012-01-14T13:23:00.001-07:00

I have always wanted to do a meditation or yoga retreat, and given my free as a bird status, decided on Dathun (which means a month long meditation retreat) with Dharma Ocean. I went for "just" two weeks, and it was made possible by the option of work study in the kitchen (75% off in exchange for 8 hour shifts every other day). If there was one word that comes to top of my mind about this retreat, it would be Quality. The food, the beautiful buildings, the location with its grand views, the sweet people, the teachings, the shrines. They used the words "sacred container" often, and the more I was there the more I could feel the tight circle around us that made me feel safe and good.

All meals were eaten Oryoke style, which is is a meditative form of eating which originated in Japan and is mindfulness awareness practice, and consists of an elaborate ceremony of precisely orchestrated movements with bows, tables, cloths, bowls, chants, and confused looks of participants as they spy on each to see which move comes next. Oryoki translates to "Just enough" which refers to the efficiency and accuracy of the form. Each movement is a simple reference point for the mind that encourages one to become present and not wander in discursive thought. An Oryoki set consists of nested wood bowls, and utensils all wrapped in a cloth and tied with a topknot resembling a lotus flower. This is the formal style of serving and eating meals practiced in Zen temples.

Since we spent so much time in the shrine room, I became very bonded with the many shrines around the room. Every day, all day, a fire roared behind us, at the Pele shrine. Four hung on the walls behind us, the Earth / Native American shrine to the right, and of course the main shrine at the front. I felt most called to the Earth shrine, with its enormous tree trunk table which was topped with feathers, small drums, pictures of an eagle and a tribal chief.

Then came the highlight of each day between 3-5pm, where we said a long slow good-bye to the sun, and watched through the enormous windows lining the entire front of the room, as the sky turned various shades of pink, orange, and blues. Often our teacher, Reggie Ray, would quietly shuffle into the room with his wife Caroline around 3pm, at the beginning of a sitting session, flanked by his protector "Kusungs" (a Tibetan term for the branch of the Dorje Kasung that protects the teacher. The term could be rendered literally as "body protector". Kusung serve as both attendants and as bodyguards). Every ounce of attention in the room would follow them, as they rounded the room to each shrine, lighting its candles and incense, bowing to the shrine and then finally to each other.

And so here I must say a word about Reggie and his wife Caroline. His reverence and devotion to her was palpable, not only in their presence of each but in several of his teachings. It is clear he finds her to be his greatest teacher, and spoke of her as his Consort, meaning Queen of his court. He spoke of his teacher, Chogyum Trungpa and his belief that Chogyum never met his true Consort, or what I would call a soul mate; one who meets you fully with an open and clear heart, offering their own teaching and growth for each other, a devoted life partner. I resonated so deeply with this message, and every cell in my body was validated with what I already believe - there is one Consort for me, and I know this with complete certainty, and that this is why I wait patiently.

And what a treasure chest of kind, loving and warm new friends I met!

But what of the retreat? How was it to sit for hours at a time? What did I gain? Ah, good questions!

There were many cycles of many things, but the core pieces:

1) Sitting was surprisingly easy for me. Yes, I had soreness in my upper back and noticed the other physical tensions, but I basked in the silence. In fits and spurts around me, I could hear others cry here and there, rising and falling with waves of emotion. I found this a bit confusing, as I wasn't feeling deep emotions or grief or anything painful. A lot of the retreat teachings were about the heart, opening our hearts and releasing any pain separating us from others, and ultimately offering our heart to serve others. After "struggling" with why I wasn't breaking down, my meditation instructor offered that perhaps I have a strong and open heart. This clicked for me, and although surely there are parts of my heart that are wounded or will be over time, I have done so so much work on my heart, grieving and letting go, that I see myself as a clear channel. My heart is open and I am here to be used, to hold space for others and help them to let go of what's in their heart. I'm able to fully "be" with myself, and I can help others do the same.

2) I hold extreme tightness in my body, specifically in my 3rd chakra, or the band that feels like a tight corset at my sternum. During week one, I had to leave the retreat on the fourth day to make the eight hour round trip drive up to Denver for my (required) Regis orientation (SWEET I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL!). It gave me a chance to watch that physical tightness, and see as my body literally leaned forward as if into the wind, driving and pushing myself toward my goal (speed!). Upon my return, images and familiar feelings came to me about college. It was so surprising and interesting to find information in my muscles, in my tension. I saw it all unfold in my dreams, in the moments of silence. I felt how terrifying it was to leave home after high school. I put on a brave face but felt deeply alone in the stream foreign faces passing me on campus, dizzy with anxiety as I signed loan papers and found myself increasingly paralyzed during exams, where the words floated and mixed through my head. I don't know how I made it through.

Wait, actually I do know. It was by bearing down and PUSHING through, by faking it, acting like I had it together and resolving to finish no matter what. But I didn't feel proud, I felt shame. I never saw the positives, never recognized what I did right, I only saw my poor performance in classes, my social awkwardness, my flaws. To saw I was hard on myself is an understatement. I found life to be one great big mass of dangers, and I developed the "Helen sigh", as my friend KK called it - which leads me back to the corset choking my mid-torso. I can't get air down to my lower belly. The constriction is so tight... my breathing can be shallow in my upper chest. So here comes my exercise, the reason that every morning I go for a run or hit the gym... it helps me to take long and big breaths, putting me into the kind of breathing which calms me to the core. Then, throughout the day, this pushy and demanding self (that has helped me survive), can take over. By the end of a workday, I race home so that I can rest and turn down my nervous system.

So, what's next?

This year is about learning how to be an empowered woman who moves through her day deeply relaxed. A tall order. But I have some help. I'll be taking a five month course offered down at the same retreat center called Meditating with the Body. I have a new job in Business Development for a company that does websites and internet marketing for different markets (Therapists, Vets, Doctors, Dentists, Physical Therapists and Coaches). I feel really lucky to be so taken care of and guided in my life right now.

Oh, and then there was Christmas and a trip to Mt. Princeton Hot Springs, a new year's ritual and yummy food. Happy New Year! God bless you one and all! May your true destiny unfold clearly before you. May you prosper.

As usual, you'll likely find spelling and grammar errors in here which I'll edit later. Too impatient not to press publish!

Thanksgiving - BUSY trip!

2011-11-29T10:28:00.001-07:00

It's all about the new puppy Tank!My new nephew Liam

Heaven @ the beach in Santa Monica

My sister and her kids!

Cooking, eating, playing, hanging! Good times.

Engaged!

2011-11-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

No, not me, Patricia and Josh! 12 years later, nice work!

the dream...

2011-11-11T11:16:00.001-07:00

Look (World-at-Large), when you ask me how I'm doing and I tell you how fabulous my life is right now, that I've never been happier, will you please not then ask "and are you dating anyone?". Please. I beg you. Let it go! I am letting go of the husband and babies thing. What's the point to think about it or want for it when nothing is actually missing from my life? I will rejoice when he arrives, and trust me you'll be the first to know! Nothing is wrong with being single! I'm happy!

Well, hello

2011-11-10T10:47:00.005-07:00

How I have been spending my time...

... with the horses! Ever Tuesday and Friday I go out to Medicine Horse to "turn in" the horses from pasture. There are 30 of them. I'm sort of apprenticing with Cathy, who grew up on farms in Scotland. She is adorable, little and moves like lightening. The first thing I worked on was just putting the damn bridles on! I only was able to do a few of the horses for weeks, simply because the frisky ones had no patience for my fumbling around just to figure out what was the front, top and bottom of the thing.

I'm completely fascinated with how the pack interacts with each other when we arrive - nipping, bucking and shoving. Then the leader pushes the others out of the way to be first at the gate. The others back off and leave space. The first horse is easiest to bring out, and that's the one I usually get. After that, some crowd forward, trying to establish dominance, and Cathy goes in to shoo them back and out of the way. I get such an adrenaline rush as I walk my horse back to their stall. I feel a mix of pride and love to walk next to them and keep up pace, making sure to stay in front as they try to squeeze past me in the aisle, shoving and lunging at their food bin.

When I get back to the pasture, we then carefully make our way past the crowd to load most of them through the back-side of their stalls. It can be risky and dangerous to get by them where they are crowding the gate like that, frisky for their dinner. So we call them one by one, trying to the right horse to go in through each open gate. Often three or four rush towards you, and you have to make yourself big to push the others aside. Cathy works so fast that she mostly does this herself, while I stand aside and wish to help. It is a little frustrating but also keeps me safe. Anyway now that the snow is making the pastures muddy, they've been keeping everyone in their stalls all day, so all there is to do is feed them. Did you know you can get hay splinters? Now I do!

Speaking of snow, we had a GLORIOUS fall this year. The highs were mid-80s. One Monday it was 78, then by Wednesday winter knocked on our door, dropping 10 inches overnight. Drove me mad. So, I began the descent. My friend Jen holds these seasonal ritual women's groups, every six weeks, which helps me to frame the energy that is happening. It was a yucky transition from fall to winter this year, because I fought it the whole way. Now I am settling in to the cozy winter nights, enjoying Willow cuddles and skyping with Matt, Alexandra & Patricia about wedding stuff (M&A's). Matt is convinced the Patricia and I should launch a wedding business (she does the design / planning) then I swoop in and boss everyone around at the end.

Shaya and I ran the Denver half marathon (2:36 for me), which has been a goal since I did the marathon in 2007. Oddly, I felt no sense of accomplishment. Since I'd already run that course, it felt a bit boring. Strange experience for me. Good times with friends continue...

Halloween - mermaid meets space alien.

I'm still working on finishing my Regis essays. I'm stuck. It's annoying and a bit foreboding - I am not gonna lie, I expect to be a bit of a stress case about homework and exams. AND, I expect and trust I'll be accepted and start in January. Up next, Thanksgiving in LA and then a two week meditation retreat in Crestone December 9-25. That's right, sitting on my butt for 12 hours a day (ish). Should be... interesting?

Long in the Toof

2011-11-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

Tray 19 out of 22, November 10th

Tray 14 out of 22, August 30th

my bite is finally coming together / down!

Progress! 6/22/11

Last year my dentist suggested that my teeth grinding could be because the only teeth that touch when I note down are my back molars. I never noticed that my bite was "open" when closed. Confusing. So I decided to get Invisaline and I'm already on my 3rd set of trays. Each tray is 2 week. I'm glad I'm doing it, but wow it wasn't cheap!

Grad school essays

2011-10-19T10:41:00.001-07:00

These are the essays required for the Regis application (I'm SO nervous)!

Masterof Arts in Counseling Essays

MAC Question 1:AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL ESSAY

In an autobiographical essay (1,000 - 1,500 words)describe your personal, professional, and educational history. This sectionwill give the Admissions Committee a better understanding of the relationshipof your interest in the Master of Arts in Counseling program to your specificcareer objectives, a sense of your capacity for introspection, reflection andpersonal growth, and insight into the life event(s)/experience(s) that haveinfluenced your interest in the field of psychotherapy.

MAC Question 2:CURRENT INTEREST AND VIEWS ESSAY

Elaborate (1,000 words or less) upon thetradition(s) in the history or field of counseling/psychology that have mostinfluenced and shaped your understanding of the practice of counseling (e.g.the scientific tradition, depth psychology, humanistic counseling, family therapy).This section will give the Admissions Committee a better understanding of theorientation you bring to your studies and/or the particular areas of interestyou wish to pursue.

The Bridge to Everywhere and Everything

2011-10-16T11:42:00.013-07:00

I'm crossing the bridge. I thought I knew. I had an idea, an image, a plan. I expected things would go a certain way and I had a vision of how this would be.

And by "this", I mean this lovely and amazing time following my departure from employment. And by departure I mean this purposeful choice to leave a certain life behind; to let go and let something else guide me. The business cards, the job title, the salary and benefits... good-bye.

As I walk along, I don't look back; and I am shocked by this. I'm looking around and looking ahead, and so much is unfamiliar. I don't fight it. It's exciting. I feel light, free and curious. And best of all, the more I relax, the more silent my life becomes. The struggle has been lifted. And in this quiet, I am listening.

Then suddenly a storm pushes up from inside me, a voice that demands WHAT ARE YOU DOING? It screams DO SOMETHING! "What are you waiting for?" (It doesn't like all this non-doing). It catches me off guard, an interruption in my otherwise peaceful existence. I am recognizing that this voice is not me. This is history. It is a side of myself that needed control to feel safe, success to feel powerful; external validation that I am Good. This is not what I want to motivate me anymore.

But oh I did think I would be motivated, that I would be all fired up "to build my coaching business". I thought I would be Turbo-excited, a force of nature, a whirling dervish. I would be marketing, blogging, writing, and have lots of clients, lots of groups. My website, with back-links to Facebook and a hip I'm-not-winking-but-it-seems-like-I-am self-portrait, would be all up in lights like Helen-Kearney-meets-Vegas!

Then yesterday, with that pushpushpush lurking, I had an epiphany. That vision of how I thought things be, I was just trying be like other successful people. I expected myself to build my business the way other motivational and inspirational speakers/coaches do. Oh, right, I should jump into that mould. Then I will be in control, feel safe and powerful. And I will have external validation that I am Good (sound familiar?). Wow.

I've tried that formula before. I've attempted to located "who I am" in a box that fits me. For years I have looked around for what fits me, and it's all been wrong. Where the hell is my box? Where do I belong? How do I fit in? Well I don't. None of us do. We are all our own peculiar and unique brand of ourselves. So once again, I let go. I give in to being Me. I will follow along as my career creates itself. Remind me if I forget, ok?

"We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

Two words you never want to hear together.

2011-10-15T15:43:00.001-07:00

Anal (glands) and Expressed. Poor boo boo. He got just got probed.

Birthday 39!

2011-10-12T16:04:00.002-07:00

This year for my birthday I wanted to give you, my dearest friends, the gift of thanks for your support in my life. When I reflect on what I value the most, it really isn’t my stellar good looks and hot body, it’s my amazing friends and family - you. Every time I spend time with you, you offer me new insight, colorful feedback and most precious of all, laughter. Thank you for not only accepting me exactly as I am, but celebrating me. I feel “known” by you. You see the best in me. You make me feel like everything is going to be okay. All of you have stood by my side through some very tough times, and cheered me on when the going got good. I’ll never be sure exactly why I have such a passion for empowering women, but I AM sure that you do just that for me – you empower me. You are the source of my inspiration, my shelter in the storm and the great loves of my life.

Birthday wishes for my 39th year:

* I’m engaged!

* My career is in full swing and I’m prospering

* I’m doing things I’ve never done, things I’ve always wanted to do, and things I never knew I could do

Falling

2011-10-06T17:37:00.002-07:00

A warm day in Boulder, and light snow at Brainard Lake

The gold coin leaves of Aspen are so thrilling
floating along in the water, magic little jewels

2:45pm

All is quiet
the letting go has begun
the leaves, they fall one by one

They are dying,
the wind rips away one last sweet breath
They give in, letting go
Time for closing, settling

And so I let go too -
I consent to the darkness.
I will go inside,
where all is quiet,
Until light returns again.

Leaf Peeping

2011-09-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

For the final trip of my Summer vacations, Shaya and I traveled up to Aspen, through Vail and Leadville. We stayed with our friend Jen and met her new baby Trace, where we encountered a freak accident with my suitcase. It was dark our when we unpacked the car, and when we got inside I realized I left my (black) suitcase outside. In the two minutes it took me to go back outside, Jen's friend had left her house and took my suitcase with her as she drove away. Surprisingly it held up - my camera was on the outside pocket! Whew.

I just love these old Colorado mountain towns, with the Opera House and Saloon still standin. Leadville is home to the famous "Leadville 100", a 100 mile trail run race for the stupid, I mean, hard core. We also came across the 10th Mountain Division memorial.

10th Mountain Division is a light infantry division of the U.S. Army that specializes in fighting under harsh terrain and weather conditions. Activated in 1943, the 10th Mountain Division was the last among currently active divisions to enter combat during World War II. The 10th fought in the mountains of Italy in some of the roughest terrain in the country.

The colors along Independence Pass and in Aspen were so crisp and yellow that it felt like we were in a post card. We stayed two nights in the town of Aspen, and hiked up to the Maroon Bells. Aspen is a lovely small town. We spent some time with the owner of our hotel, who has lived there several years, and he gave us the grand reality check about the "real" Aspen - basically lots of filthy rich live there, but it's really only five big weeks a year that it sees the famous celebrities. I loved Aspen because it is built around its town history, and not around the ski industry. Every block has sweet, charming, historical homes and lots of mature trees and trails. When I asked Skip about the winter (thinking, wow I could really live here), he said "oh, it's so awesome, the ski lift is open from November through May". Uh, that's really not so awesome. That's a long winter and I want nothing to do with that!

Now that Summer vacation is over... what's next?

Laurie's Blessingway

2011-09-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

An Arts & Crafts project "gone right", Laurie's bridal blessing-way

Laurie is having a very small, family only, wedding, so we got all her girlfriends together to give her our blessings since we couldn't be there. I LOVE ritual and specifically building altars or bringing really anything that brings a sense of magic to mark the moment. So what started as a simple idea of a symbolic bridal veil turned into a gorgeous piece that even stunned me! I ended up adding detail to the bottom of all the white ribbons, each one different with its own wish. During the blessing, we all wrote down a wish on a leaf (shape) and we added these to the ribbons.

Laurie's story is very dear to me, because she and I had talked a lot about our very similar road to the altar. We both have had the experience where people in our lives are confused why we don't have partners, as well as encountered criticism that we should be more this or that (less judgmental, lower our standards).

We were also confused! We'd done the work on ourselves to be more emotionally mature, feng shue'd our homes, focused on living a good happy life, having great friends and healthy career, etc. So what the hell else is there to do but wait? One night, tired of feeling like Spinsters, we purposely looked at each other and promised that there was NOTHING else we needed to do. We were each fabulous (and available), and we promised to be patient until "our man" showed up.

About a month after that promise, she ended up meeting Peter at a (mostly silent) meditation retreat. From the minute they met, they both felt the connection and ended up taking long quiet walks and stealing moments of deep conversation. After the retreat, Peter quickly moved to Boulder from Seattle, and a few months later they were engaged and now on the road to baby-making as fast as possible! It has been so beautiful to watch. And so, I wait, knowing my miracle is coming too.

Horsey!

2011-09-20T21:17:00.001-07:00

Let the volunteering begin. I'm so totally excited it's nerdy.

www.medicinehorse.org

Half Ironman

2011-09-12T19:34:00.002-07:00

No, not me! Niki did it (she is nuts). Six hours and two minutes! 1 mile swim, 60 mile bike ride and a half marathon (13.1 miles). It was fun supporting her, but omg it was so hot out. I said my prayers of gratitude that it was nice and cool for my marathon!

One.Thing.Every.Day

2011-09-09T13:45:00.007-07:00

Last week I started to notice that I was feeling very heavy in the mornings (in the head, and also in the ass!). A light bulb came on and I remembered that there's a week every Fall (since I've been tracking my moods - four years now) where I get depressed. A ha! I never remember which week it was but sure as shit, in my notes, it is the 2nd week of September. That is so crazy, like clockwork. The very first thing I did was force myself to get up early in the morning instead of going in and out of sleep. It is confounding to me how immediate that little change is. It really does (most of) the trick. I'm still a little disoriented, foggy, a bit lost, but I'm so grateful for the investment I made in years of psychotherapy to understand my chemistry.

To add to this lovely week, unfortunately my trip to Idaho got cancelled (a bad injury of Morgan's boyfriend Ken - 10 days on IV antibiotics). While I am at peace with not going, I was and still am a bit crushed. There are so many reasons for my disappointment... like I needed one more get-away to get AWAY from my day-to-day unemployment. This is, after all, my summer of avoidance! I wanted to be out of my house and close to nature, out hiking in the wilderness of Hailey, ID, exploring somewhere new. I was just dying to spend endless time having deep conversations about life and what's next for me, collaging and in general getting my head ready for action. So over the past two days, as I wandered through the day of no-plans, I made a couple collages of how I'm feeling.

I realized this morning that I need to focus on doing one ("just one") thing a day, to have that feeling of accomplishment or moving forward. I know that at some point I'll spring into action, as I inevitably do, but right now there's little motivation (could be due to the mild depression too). Today (besides collaging), I called UNC to ask for information about their M.A. in Counseling program. I am definitely considering going to grad school. Perfect time to do it! I'm also looking at Regis (30 grand - really??) and University of Phoenix.

While I'm speaking of dreams, here is my shrine, where my prayers are planted

Dear BMW

2011-09-08T15:20:00.002-07:00

I did not know you on the day of your birth in 1997. We first met in November of 2003. You were already six years old but only had seen 23,000 miles of Arizona roads. You mostly sat lonely in the garage, someone's "vacation home" car, burning up in that hot weather. I was so excited to call you mine. And now you are fourteen years old. FOURTEEN! And I've put miles on you, oh yes I have - 99,000 now. Everyone who meets you is surprised and pays you that compliment "wow she looks great for her age". Yikes. And oh, I have paid to keep all your parts in good working order. But you're mine, all mine; no car payment, no hassle. And so, for your good behavior and superior good looks, today I'm giving you a $2,000 present (surprise - even to me). You're getting your brakes flushed, new power steering lines & flush, an entire new lock cylinder and actuator (because you suddenly decided to be snotty and not let me open MY DOOR anymore), a new air filter and some other things the doctor told me you needed (I just nodded and nodded to make him stop talking). I think that's enough for now, don't you? I decided to be generous with you today because you just look like you've deserve it. But you better be grateful because that's it - no more until your birthday in 2013.

Meanwhile...

2011-09-05T13:10:00.004-07:00

I'm feeling grateful right now for support. I am surrounded by some damn amazing girlfriends who are such good listeners and cheerleaders. Vaguely I remember some poem or saying about how when you die you'll count your friends/family and not your money in order to measure the value of your life. I'm certainly very rich.

And speaking of money, I'm experiencing a freedom and detachment with money like I have never had. There is an absence of worry, an absence of fear. In its place is a surreal sense of peace, faith and neutrality. There have been some frustrations for sure, like waiting two months for any sign of unemployment check, then receiving a letter that my HP earnings were disqualified and therefore I was entitled to only one week ($480) of unemployment. Ouch! As an aside, my first call to CO Unemployment had me on hold for THREE HOURS AND FIVE MINUTES, and the second call I was on hold for an improved 2 hours and 16 minutes! Fortunately there is a Federal emergency program in place and that has kicked in to replace the State decision. I've reduced my expenses so much that I can scrape by for a little while before having to deal, and fortunately I did all the right things the last ten years so I have some emergency savings in place.

Speaking of dealing, I'm so happy to escaped reality and vacationed this last month. I've got one more to go and then I'll face my life. I knew going into this that it was going to be a life-changer, but also that I could seriously sink to the bottom of the ocean (and fast) without structure. What I know for sure is that I will replace the unemployment income with a part-time job. I need that, to get out of the house, to work with people face-to-face, to "put my pants on" every day! I don't know how I worked from home for HP for so many years. It was suffocating.

When I first quit SOMA, the primary reason was to build my coaching business. As the weeks and now months have gone by, I see a much bigger picture. I have traded the comfort and security of a job title & regular paycheck for a totally NEW life. Wow does it feel good. I've always performed best when I throw myself into something and now I have a clean slate. Part of the new landscape is having the lifestyle that I choose. I refuse to let "luck" give me a job that allows me spaciousness in my day, make good money and most importantly have my precious self-care time in the morning (meditation, journaling, exercise). This is mine for the having and I will not be slave to someone else's schedule. Does this mean I won't work for a living? Hell no! I will work hard but I shall be the slave to my life purpose, my life's work. I will take risks and play the game in order to follow my passion. My new favorite nickname is Helen, CEO of the gypsies. Yes, in case there is confusion, I am a seeker, a wanderer, a suffering soul-searcher. But I vow to build my enterprise and be warmed by the heat of a fire I have built. May it be so!

I follow an astrologer that puts out this killer monthly horoscopes, and this month's had to be captured for its accuracy! Oh, Saturn. You're the bee in my bonnet.

September Libra Horoscope

By Susan Miller

A whole new life lies before you, but it will be critical that you find the courage to step forward and take hold of it with both hands. Saturn has been in your sign essentially since October 29, 2009. During this time, you have faced many challenges. It has not been an easy time. Saturn's job is to show you through trials and tribulations that you are a lot stronger than you ever assumed.

By the time Saturn leaves Libra on October 4, 2012, you will be new and improved and able to handle anything life throws your way. Because Saturn departs in 2012 and won't be back again to your sign until September 2039, his lessons will have to be indelible enough for you to remember into the future, at least until Saturn can find time to return to Libra to give you a refresher course.

Whenever Saturn enters any house of the horoscope, it signals a time to change your approach, for Saturn is there to show you that the wind has changed direction. If you use the same formula to deal with life's difficult times that you always have used, you will find that for some reason, the methods suddenly don't work any more. You've been wrangling with Saturn long enough to know that at first, when you saw this happening, you were puzzled you, then probably quite frustrated. The way out of the maze that you find yourself in is to try something new.

What you used to know as truth is now outdated - you must find a new truth. Saturn will continue to twist your arm until you cry uncle and say, "OK, OK, I will try something new - anything to stop this incessant pain!" Once you become experimental and try something new, you find you are on the way to cracking the code on your dilemma. Even if you try the wrong approach at first, Saturn will be pleased that you are stepping with the program and at that point (and only then) Saturn will send in helpers to advise you. I have seen this happen over and over in just about everyone's chart who has been under Saturn. We all waste time at the start, trying desperately to use old formulas that always used to do the trick, but they just don't work.

Whatever one thing you are choosing to do is new to you, and will be with you for many years in the future. I know it is so easy for me to tell you to hang on, but please believe me - you are doing well, and learning much. Others around you may not understand the loneliness and alienation that Saturn brings in these trends, especially if they have not experienced anything similar. Saturn always isolates - it is the trademark of a Saturn trend, for Saturn wants to encourage your resourcefulness to find your way out of the maze.

It is true that facing big challenges makes us strong and proud afterward, and they say Saturn never gives reward during a trend but after it is over - that's a big point. All we get under a Saturn trend is earned, and we get as good as we give.

Here is an idea I thought about. When you have a problem you are trying to solve, ask a variety of people for advice. Ask your grandmother, your father, your best friend, your professor, or your co-worker for their stories and their wisdom. Just as a scientist goes into a rainforest or studies a certain bacteria to help solve pain and suffering of disease, we must be social scientists too, in the laboratory of life. Ask people and you may get amazing ideas. Inspiration springs from very unusual sources, just when you never expect to get an epiphany. I have learned it is not the answers in life that we need, but rather, the questions.

My little Seester turns 30!

2011-09-05T12:55:00.001-07:00

I arrived home just in time for Patricia's 30th birthday weekend. It was SO special to have everyone there, including "mi cuna" (well, soon-to-be) sister-in-law Alexandra. We love her!

Patricia you are such a smart, confident, STYLISH, kind and adorable woman. I can't believe that just 30 years ago I was holding your pudgey little Eskimo ten pound burrito body. May you have many more years of good health, good fortune and good sex - haha. Here's the getting married and makin' babies. Love you more!

Last Stop, Seattle

2011-08-30T10:56:00.004-07:00

A story in pictures:

Seriously a lot of movement. We went first from Seattle by ferry to Vashon Island, where Shaya's dad lives. He has one of the most priceless views of Mt. Rainier, and I was able to experience this magical mountain. I couldn't take my eyes off it; reminds me of the Boulder Flatirons. There's just something spiritual and magnetic about it. We then traveled by ferry back to Seattle for a day of hiking in Snoqualmie Falls, then a long afternoon of sailing in the Puget Sound. Despite my best efforts to get away from the blistering heat of summer in Boulder, I hit the nicest weather Seattle has to offer. I was hot at times! Where's the gloomy cool wet weather?? The wind was perfect for sailing along with the 360 scenic views, enormous sea lions lounging on the yellow buoy (DUDE they have huge balls), passing by the porpoise pod and a perfect sunset.

Some snaps of the decadent (mostly homeade) food we enjoyed - can someone say time for a diet? Peanut butter cookies, hand-picked blackberry cobbler, FRESH oysters, FRESH kind salmon, friend squash blossoms, king crab...

We headed next (by ferry) to Friday Harbor on San Juan Island. Shaya grew up on these islands so it was fun to explore and hear the stories that accompanied our drive around the island. Highlights: the lavendar farm, kayaking (got stuck with the 12 year old kid who paddled 1-2-3 then got distracted by jelly fish), the Inn run by Juniper (her brother Sean's girlfriend), and the INSANELY adorable dogs which got attention wherever we went (Bailey the golden doodle and little mini Teeno - will find out his breed).

Last stop was the glass factory where Shaya's brother-in-law Nathan works (he is the last in the assembly line - he quickly takes the finished piece from the craftsman and places it into the container that slowly cools it down). The artist, Dale Chihuly, is one of the most successful and famous in this delicate craft; you may have seen one of his largest works in the Bellagio. Dale no longer actually blows the glass, but the team can at times can pump out 100 pieces in a day. We were able to tour the gallery and you can see some of the chandeliers. To give you an idea, one of Chihuly's BOWLS sells for $80k.

So this unforgettable trip has ended.

Thank you Shaya for being so fun and easy to travel with.

Up next: Idaho!

San Francisco, second stop in the sumer of S's

2011-08-28T13:13:00.004-07:00

San Francisco, second stop in the vacation summer of S's. I started off at Kathleen & Joe's house and got to meet "Mellow Marlo" (six months). She is just that - mellow - along with sweet, soft and a gentle little treasure. My favorite thing about her is that as soon as she looks at you, she breaks out into a delighted smile, huge grin and her eyes open up wild. It's so interesting to me how different kids are from each other, right when they are born. Although Sammy shared this same sweetness, he was always more boisterous and commanded attention.

I got to take Sam on a few adventures, and it is now a proven fact: Sam does not walk. Sam RUNS wherever he goes. We were waiting for the train and he after asking every 10 seconds when the train was coming, I suggested he "there and back" to a sign about 25 feet in front of us. He said he could do twenty, and there he went, full speed ahead like a little torpedo. He made it ten times before the train came in. I couldn't believe it! So off we went to get him his haircut for the first day of school. He is such a trooper, so independent and confident. He climbed right up into that chair and asked her politely if she could "cut this piece of hair that hangs in my eye". Adorable. Afterwards we went to Park Chow, one of my favorite spots, and he wolfed down his burger and fries. The kid can eat. Through lunch he kept asking me, "what is a lamb burger" (what I chose). I couldn't decide how to break the news about what I was eating. Bah bah.

San Francisco, now not only home of these two five year olds, but Alma-Luisa (now 2 1/2) and Marlo (six months). It is so nice to have a week there to spend quality time with the kids but also get a bit of vacation. This visit I got a lot of play time but also got to catch up with my mommy friends sans kids. It really reminded me of the deep connection and history I have with Kathleen and Katia. There's just nothing like good friendship like that. Priceless. I also got a quick visit with my second oldest friend from high school, Pam.

This visit I got to know Alma-Luisa a bit more. They call her Weesa (from Luiiiiiisa). Oh my gosh those great big blue eyes! We went to the Discovery Museum just outside of San Francisco. What a great place! Outdoor miniature version of the Golden Gate bridge, with a split in the middle so the kids can don construction gear and help "fix" it! We also got to tour Lucia's new kindergarten classroom!

Somehow in all that busy-ness, I was able to take some time to soak at the Kabuki Springs & Spa in their communal baths, and proud to say I hit TWO yoga classes at YogaTree right near KK's place. In all my years of visiting (since 2000), I've said every time I go that I should do some yoga there. Loved it!

*************************************************************

And lastly, I say good-bye to Kathleen's Mom, Jean Della Santa.

With ever so much gratitude and love to a wonderful, strong and bold woman.

Farewell to a sweet and loving grandmother.

A kind and welcoming person to me.

You opened your arms and made me family.

I am so sorry your children's loss.

I will be there for them and for Jack, as you were there for me.

Resting

2011-08-14T20:40:00.003-07:00

Everyone's asking. What's my plan now? GET AWAY! AVOID! RELAX! TRAVEL!

One week, San Francisco.

One week, Seattle.

One week home, suitcase explosion.

One week visiting Morgan in Hailey, Idaho.

Relax. Enjoy the time off. This will be such a short wink in the span of my lifetime. Relatively no responsibilities, no time constraints, no distractions. And the more quiet I have, the more I want. It's been really nice. Occasionally my mind wanders like a pin ball machine in slow motion, back to life in Colorado. I was brilliant to do all this traveling; I wouldn’t have relaxed at home. Worry would keep me busy instead. Plus it’s burning hot summer there, which melts me into a miserable crank. It's in the ‘60s here in San Francisco, lots of fog and humidity softening the air. Just lovely. Today I went to Kabuki Hot Springs, soaked, steamed, sweat (then went straight to Pizzeria Delfina and ate an entire pizza by myself. I ain't afraid of food, nope. Not me!).

But I can't escape the question. What am I doing next? Well, all I know is I get the honor of being Aunt Helen tomorrow. I'm getting up in the morning to watch Sam (KK's son) go to his first day of Kindergarten, then spending the day with Lucia & Alma-Luisa. So precious. Love these kids. They keep me present for sure.

Sand Dunes & Taos camping

2011-08-11T14:25:00.002-07:00

Now that I'm employed by the State of Colorado with lots of free time on my hands, I decided to enjoy a month of vacationing. It's been 15 years since I have been able to take more than a week off, so I'm proud that I'm taking this time. I'm not gonna lie, it is NICE. I had thought of doing a long road trip to Idaho, San Francisco, LA (via Big Sur), Yosemite and finally to Burning Man... but wow that's a lot of driving, a lot of gas and I would be alone! So, since camping is basically the cheapest way to travel, and I wanted to see more of the surrounding area, I headed off to the Sand Dunes with Shaya (likewise self-employed).

Turkey wrap made out of nori (seaweed paper) with pepper jack cheese and other goodness. YUM. We found some cilantro mint pesto in town the next day and that made these outstanding.

Love the cheap solution - $12 shelf and $6 sterno! It's takes a wicked long time to heat things up but it was basic and cheap!

We got an incredible campsite, nothing like waking up to this amazing natural wonder.

The dunes are really incredible. These particles of sand wash down from the surrounding mountain, then the winds meet them and keep them in place. There's a large creek that runs through here earlier in the year, but it was long dried up. The hike up to the top is pretty intense, image hiking straight up in beach sand! Day two morning hike was assisted by poles which made it much easier.
After you go up and down the Dunes, it's a bit of a been-here-done-that experience. So we looked at the map, saw Taos, NM was only 70 miles away and off we went.

Wild Mustangs. So cool.

Taos was definitely not what I expected. I would say it's a smaller scale Santa Fe, but more run down. HOWEVER, sometimes a human being can be the magic of the town, and magic we met!
We wandered into "Horse and Feathers), and immediately I was distracted by the shiny silver object - a saddle formerly owned by a performer and covered with mirrors, jewels. Etc. The owner of the store was a delightful, truly "gentle" gentleman. Lindsay kept our attention for probably two hours. He runs a store full of used cowboy paraphernalia, namely used cowboy boots.
I took this picture for my dad (doesn't Lindsay kind of look like him?). It cracked me up. The Kearney family has a special relationship with beans.
Lindsay is a master boot-fitter, and as soon as we would try a pair on he would say "nope" or "perfect fit" within seconds. I have been looking for a good pair of boots for YEARS, and to find some cool, stylin, good quality worn-in boots made the trip for me. They were too big and needed to be re-soled, but a steal at $45.
On Lindsay's recommendation, we met up with his best Friend "Big Al" for a horseback ride. Big Al lives ALL the way up at the top of the valley, and wow it was gorgeous up there. It was cold and rainy but very fun.

My new hat and boots!

This was my horse Freckles, and that's Big Al. Check out the duct tape on his boot. Although he considers himself a boot connoisseur (he has 80 pairs in his closet), he hurt his foot and had to cut off the front to make room.

On the ride down the mountain, he suddenly hopped out of his truck and re-appeared with this mushroom. I can't remember what it's called but it was supposedly the first he had seen in the season and kept saying it would be worth $60 in any grocery store. We sauteed it up with some butter and it was indeed quite delicious.

Shaya and I have the same taste in food - aka healthy - so having such a huge fresh green salad for our first course was just part of the camping experience.

This was our A+ campsite, right in the Taos valley and next to a creek that had such a soothing quality. I have never slept next to a creek that dims all other noise, and I most definitely fought panic and fear our first night there. Shaya and I were sitting outside our tent playing scrabble, and I tried not to say I was scared of some weirdo that had been watching us for hours come to pay a visit. After a while we both admitted we how spooked we were and hid out in the tent. The second night was easier because we met one of the neighboring campers.

The drive to our next destination was gorgeous. We were thinking of doing a fourth night of camping somewhere around the Royal Gorge. However, waiting until almost 3pm to stop for lunch was a bit of a mistake. I had been planning and thinking of the lunch I was going to eat for hours - hotdog with sauerkraut, tomatoes, mustard and red onions). By the time we stopped at the info booth to find out about the coming attraction, and found a picnic spot, I was crashing. We set up the sterno and I thought, crap, this is going to take awhile to heat up. I struck the lighter and the sterno wouldn't catch. Strike again. Again. AGAIN AGAIN OH MY GOD THE STERNO IS DONE. Freaking out, I decided to start a fire on the picnic grill. Then saw the fire ban sign with a $5,000 fine. Shaya tried to save the situation by proposing we cook off her camping lantern. Genius! I didn't think it would work but after some careful rigging, 15 minutes later I was chowing down.

Next stop we hit up the Royal Gorge.

Pretty awesome, except it cost $25 and they basically made it into a Disneyland attraction. We rode the aerial tram across the massive canyon, and on the other side was greeted by a slew of kiddo activities, including a petting zoo (disturbingly small pens). We walked back over the bridge but I got really freaked out by the somewhat rickety feeling. Since we arrived too late to go rafting, we decided to go home that night, with a pit stop at the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. Last stop was dinner at Adams Mountain Cafe in Manitou Springs (*highly recommend*! All in all, a fine trip. Next up, San Francisco & Seattle.

Ready for my new home!

2011-07-29T11:00:00.004-07:00

I'm doggie sitting for old man Enzo, so precious! Besides adoring this sweet boy who hobbles and wobbles his semi-blind self around after me, I'm falling in love with Shira's house. She had her wedding here last fall, and though I thought it was pretty, it has made its imprint on me now. It is so quiet and spacious here, birds chirping and leaves rustling. I want a HOUSE that is larger than my 625 sq ft I have now. I want a home with a yard. I want to walk outside in the morning, my feet on the earth, and drink my coffee in the morning. For seven years I've wanted my own garden. Remember my community gardens plot with the world's largest lettuce crop? I haven't been able to get back into another plot because of their long waiting list and am super bummed I gave mine up. So, again, I wait. I wait patiently for the next open door in my life.

This is Shira's cat Meow Meow... Willow's older twin!

my lovie and girlie

2011-07-27T17:29:00.001-07:00

can you see how he is laying on me? legs wide baby!

this is my neighbor Chris' cat Girlie... she came to meet my fine little man

they were cute, super sweet together.

Summer lovin'

2011-07-14T16:41:00.002-07:00

Amy & Ronica's 7 year old niece Iris visited for a week, and we took her out for a boat-load of sushi! I have to say, there is NOTHING like being snuggled by a kid. During dinner she sat next to me and ended up practically sitting in my lap cuddling with me most of the evening. I want one!

Now that I have some free time, I thought maybe I would take a road trip. I have been dying to meet KK's new baby girl, Marlo, in San Francisco and Patricia is having a 30th bday bash in LA... then there's Burning Man near Reno. Seems like a good loop to me. There are some other things I could throw in, like Big Sur and Yosemite. I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the options and also a bit hesitant to throw myself into 3,200 miles in the car. I've never done that long of a road trip and part of me worries that I'll get part-way into it and HATE it like I hated the first, only and last cruise I went on! However, 3,200 miles in the car = $600 in gas, versus three plane tickets, maybe four depending on if I go to Burning Man or not. It's a lot to think about but it just seems like over the last 15 years I've been limited to one week vacations and always felt rushed. I think I should take this opportunity and wander. However, it would be so much more fun with someone else on the drives! Anyone? Anyone?

This picture is of my new weekly support team "Joyful Mattress Jumping" (which could potentially sound like an award winning porn film). We are going to talk weekly to support each other and our goals. For me it's what I am looking for next with "work".... how do I build my business... what actions am I taking... am I being productive or hiding out eating ice cream?! I want to be very purposeful with this time that I am so blessed to have. I want to appreciate the freedom and really focus on the right things. I've been given a beautiful gift to step over the bridge to the next world and I'm loving the opportunity!

Subhadra & Breauna visit!

2011-07-09T13:27:00.004-07:00

Yay, my sister and niece visited!! Te theme of the trip was WATER. We walked around a Boulder neighborhood the first day and Subhadra got her wish - we got rained on, poured on is more like it. Hilarious.

The next day we went and hung out in the water on Boulder Creek. The water hasn't been this high ever since I've lived here. We passed a woman who has lived here for 40 years and hasn't seen it this high. The paths were washed out but we forged through. Breauna and I were so focused on getting in the creek that we braved it together. It was raging water, but very fun.

Best neighbors ever!

2011-07-09T10:48:00.001-07:00

My four favorite neighbors and I got together (only took seven years) to share a vegan meal together. Surprisingly yummy lasagne! All three of them have served on the Board and the meal became a simulataneous recruit Helen to the Boulder and complain about the new property manager dinner! Either way, as you can see, Willow is very loved.

Shoshanna and Steven's wedding

2011-07-05T15:32:00.004-07:00

A summer outdoor wedding in Colorado - expect rain & use your clothes as an umbrella.

Best groom's cake ever - the bride dragging her caveman into their cave!

too cool for school...

2011-07-04T20:55:00.002-07:00

Shaya and I went up to Shoshoni for an overnight camping trip - which included two yoga classes, two hikes, one rainshower, four stolen blankets from the yoga room (because we're dumb campers who didn't bring warm enough blankets for sleeping) and three "vegetarian" (carbohydrates, tofu, salad, sugar and... where's the protein??) meals. Neither of us are big campers so we decided to partner up and try it all out this summer. Shoshoni had showers and bathrooms about 100 feet from our tents, so this wasn't too tough! We each had our own tent but when we went to bed she shamed me into letting her sleep in my "mansion" tent (not true, I didn't want to sleep by myself!!!). The real shaming began when she saw my old school, hip, retro, ancient, eleven year old headlamp! It has a straight up battery pack on the back of my head. Whatever. Some of us can't be so put together when they camp, SHAYA!

Scenes

2011-07-02T11:29:00.003-07:00

Some scenes from the "yob"...

the Eff you (to having a job) party

2011-07-02T11:15:00.002-07:00

Willow agrees. Raar to having a job!

Thanks Patricia & Shaya for all your support!

Three more days!

2011-06-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like I did when I was 100 feet from the finish line @ the marathon! The State of Colorado will officially be "employing" me to be unemployed. Very excited. Grateful, happy.

I'm free! I'm free!

2011-06-17T19:03:00.001-07:00

I think you can *kinda* see how happy I am right now!
I'm getting laid off from my job. And I'm delighted.
THANK YOU State of Colorado for unemployment.
What a gift and a savior.
Of course the fear/happy goes in waves,
but I'll figure it out.
This is right, this is good, I am blessed.
Forced to follow the dream, take the path.

Duh, can't pose a cat!

What I want now

2011-06-16T09:17:00.004-07:00

Build my practice

* Private Sessions

* Groups

* Teach a class

Develop my gifts

* Volume of Sessions

* Take courses

* Receive guidance & mentoring

Have space & freedom in my schedule

* Time for my friends

* Explore, travel & see new places

* Take good care of myself every day

Part-time job

* Regular income, health insurance

* I am seen, gotten, have fun!

* Naturally express my skills, make a difference

* Easily cover my bills

Physically Active

* Be strong & flexible

* Enjoy lots of yoga

* Biking! Hiking!

Experience...

* I have "enough"

* I am worthy, just me, exactly as I am

Home, Family & Garden

Yes!

There are some things I DON'T WANT right now but I'm not even gonna go there.

Apogaea Style

2011-06-12T16:39:00.001-07:00

Check out the mysterious H in the background!

The Story

2011-06-12T15:41:00.002-07:00

A new journal page burst out of me today. And it's one of those that I LOVE. Some of my journal pages are total flops, and they bug me everytime I turn to them. But this one really captured all of my emotions and the story of my past four months, the synthesis of what I've been through. I'm tired of the energy I have to expend every day. While I'm SO grateful to have been given the bridge out of HP and I wouldn't change a thing, it's time to transition. Putting it down on paper helped me let it go. We shall see how the graces of the Universe show me a way to thrive.

selections

2011-06-07T21:52:00.001-07:00

Options.
Choices.
Fun!

I hunted down the list I made in january of the next job I wanted. The first item was part-time.

I also had a thought the other day that maybe I would get laid off, and maybe that was a good thing.

I'm listening.

MY patio

2011-06-05T15:31:00.002-07:00

And so... I decided to plant flowers on my patio so that my energy is balanced between work and home. We shall see if it works. Happy Sunday everyone!

Intense Frustration

2011-06-04T19:57:00.005-07:00

Here's the patio outside my office. It's also our "money" area in feng shue, so I planted some things out there. I feel like it reflects the difference I am making at my new job: still newly planted, seems like I haven't done much but will be really beautiful and splendid in a few months.

Luckily I know that my enneagram Type 4, when upset, feels a great deal of intensity and frustration. What a fun combo! Otherwise I wouldn't know how to deal with myself right now. It's also really nice to have a record of going through a job transition like this before. Right now I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an intersection and just stepped out of the way of a reckless car - and step back right into the path of another car coming right at me from behind. I haven't gotten slammed yet though. I'm doing my best to dance around and be twinkle toes, but that feeling of a narrow miss is haunting me. I've officially been at this for three months and three weeks. But who's counting?

I took this job because 1) I needed to leave HP, working from home and the chains of corporate life, 2) I really wanted to have free reign of a business, learn to run a business and use my strengths as a Director, and 3) to help out my friend (who I've known for a long time). But before I took the job, all my hours of pros and cons whittled down to three questions: will I love the work, can I be successful and can this "relationship" (me and owner) thrive? The relationship component was critical for me.

Going from a massive corporation to a small business of 10 employees - wow. I was well aware that working with an owner who had never worked for anyone else in 20 years could be tricky. Especially when my style is TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION! Ha. Obviously I know I have a strong personality and am that being driven means I drive drive drive others. I got an astrology reading on me and this guy (of course I did), and she saw lots of success, but said "if you don't kill each other first".

So how do I sum this up? Basically I was hired to turn around a business that was in big trouble. And, since my added salary only added to the "trouble", now it's mayday mode. I get it. I'm not the one who has to carry the burden, the stress, the pressure, the anxiety. However, I AM the one who was brought in to take those burdens away, and I don't feel a recent assessment of my performance has been entirely fair.

The truth of it all, though, is that from a numbers perspective, when you look at the sheet of expenses you have to ask - is this person bringing enough value to justify the expense? Some things need to change for sure, for me, in order to feel that the answer is yes. I know that I didn't make the impact I wanted to make. I know that I got exceptionally distracted by lots of crazy-making and also had some very specific needs that were not met. So now I'm feeling a mix of fear (of being let go) and fire (to roll up my gloves and get some shit done!).

I've had some supremely dedicated listeners during this saga (and I call it that because we 4's love the drama, love the passion and the heaviness), and I appreciate you profusely. I'm learning so much about myself in this process and it ain't easy or pretty. More to come...

Live, from my phone

2011-05-31T19:37:00.001-07:00

A poem!

I have been missing you,
My old life

Stretching back
Into the past

The days of less.
Less noise less crazy
Just quiet.
My life was small and I was so glad.

I knew it would end and now I'm officially overwhelmed.

I like working in the office.
I like being around people.
The work is -ish.
The possibility of what I can do for this business, fun-sounding but will it be?

Having a rash of doubts, concerns. Not fears, really.
Just worry.
heavy hearted.

Life not as planned.
There's got to be another way.

I want to be my best self in this situation. How do I do that in this looney place?

My friends,
I miss you. Willow sends his love.

* side note, Blogger has a new phone app and I LOVE it! Good thing I didn't switch.

Bolder Boulder

2011-05-30T16:14:00.003-07:00

Instead of running the Bolder Boulder Memorial Day 10k race this year (as we did family-style last year), I got up at 6am to go make breakfast for Office Woop Woop. That's right! Our Joshie is 30! Congratulations, now you're really an adult. Josh works the night shift now so we wanted to surprise him when he got off at 7am. However, he had a late call so by 8am when he rolled in I was passed out on the couch.

It was weird not to be part of the race hubbub this year - I still remember the Roche days when I ran for the company team (we miss you momma!) so I did make it over to see the professional runners race. It was awesome! Wow they are lightening fast. After they run past, you can go about three blocks where they will eventually run past for the final mile. It was shocking how much distance was between the runners by that point.

"Summer" kick-off

2011-05-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

Shaya and I trekked up to Estes Park Sunday for a big hike... which turned into meandering around the park for an hour as our indecisive selves couldn't commit to a trail to hike. Luckily we stopped at one of those helpful "information" depots and they told us about 90% of all the trails are too deep in snow to hike. WUH?? So we settled for a nice five miler with a couple gentle hills, nice shady forrest and some killer views. I commit to hiking more in our great state more this summer!

The picture of the tree at the bottom is evidence of the pine beetle infestation that is devastating our beautiful mountain tree-scape. The puffs of tree sap are where they bore into the tree, tiny little holes, sucking the life out of the tree. It's so sad.

Hello, my loyal friends

2011-05-26T12:45:00.007-07:00

Well, after buying the domain www.graceopenheart.com and moving my whole blog to wordpress, I decided to keep this little bloggity blog after all. Last year when I let go of my beat up blackberry and got the uber new Droid Incredible, I was so psyched to be caught up with the rest of the speedy world and these touch screens. Shortly after, I realized I didn't like not having actual buttons for typing, I couldn't type fast anymore. I also wanted to blog more frequently from my phone, so thought maybe if I got a fancier blog service it would be easier through my phone. Wordpress is not any better than blogspot. Foiled, frustrated and suffering from a writer's dry spell, I return here, to my laptop and to my good friend, blogspot. The biggest feature I don't like is not being able to upload mass amounts of photos at a time (you have to select them one by one). So, I'm back! Blogger is familiar to me and I like blogging!

So what's Wonder Woman been doing all these months?

Well. I went to Maui for a vacation, all expenses paid (it was a work trip).

Other than that, working my ass off.

Adjusting.

Fighting.

Pushing, Sweating, Pulling.

Frustrated.

Building, Growing, Strategizing.

Happy.

Relieved.

Marketing, Analyzing, Reviewing.

Hopeful.

Mad.

Grateful.

This new work partnership has been challenging.

Running a company with someone is a lot.

But we are making progress!

Doing my best to stay drama-free.

Very exciting

2011-04-16T20:25:00.003-07:00

I'm gettin' a new home for my blog. I want a service where I can upload more pictures and especially from my phone. Then I'll blog likkl;klke the blog fiend that I am! Stay tuned...

peek-a-boo!

2011-03-20T20:52:00.001-07:00

Meet the new work peeps...
exactly one month in.
What have I gotten myself into?!

Yoikes!

2011-03-11T11:41:00.004-07:00

Can't believe I haven't blogged since February 10th. Wow. A lot has changed. I'm now in my 3rd week at a NEW JOB as Director of Operations at a physical therapy clinic! Much to say about all that. I would give it an 85% positive rating. I'm still getting used the be-in-the-office-every-damn-day situation, plus I'm working out the relationship dynamics between me and the owner. Finally, for the first time in my life, I'm working for a company in a field I'm passionate about. The clinic is very wholistic and we are creating a really exciting future. Every once in a while I wake up and remember how awful I felt for the last year as I started my workday for HP. That keeps me pretty happy about the change!

Status of the Quo

2011-02-10T12:05:00.001-07:00

Pray for rain

2011-01-25T09:42:00.002-07:00

In just a few days (January 31st), our first quarter will be over. The pressure is on from upper management. I desperately need three specific deals to come through. I already have one of them but the PO isn't pulling up in our internal system and therefore I could have to wait until the customer's procurement software is back online February 7th to correct.

I'm envisioning receiving two emails from the procurement departments who are taking advantage of our huge discounts we are offering, for January purchase only. I feel kind of sick about it because I need them not just for my paycheck but also for my team and my manager. My performance impacts his ability to pull through on the numbers he's committed to his management, and so on. My issue with sales is that my sense of success really relies on something external -> in other words yes, I can work on my self-esteem and positive thoughts of "it's okay, next month" or "you're doing everything you can".

But in sales, trying hard or positive thinking does nothing for the painful one-on-ones I have to have Tuesdays at 2pm with my boss. I get grilled. I get told what I'm doing wrong. I get asked what else I'm going to do to make it happen. It doesn't really feel in my control. When the customer has the quotes and tells me they are reviewing them, what else can I do besides following up, repeat calls, trying to emphasize the big discounts aren't valid after January 31st? In the face of all my fears, I pray for these two emails to bing into my inbox, the subject - PO!

Movement Mass

2011-01-24T07:22:00.002-07:00

My friend introduced me to this very "Boulder" mix of dance/worship/self-expression event on Sunday mornings. There's probably about 80 people who gather, in a beautiful large room with wood floors and high ceilings (it's called the Circus Center - where people do all sorts of classes like juggling, fabric dancing, etc). It's a very free-form hour with intensely beautiful music that weaves in and out and up and down, with a woman encouraging all sorts of expression and energy for the hour. You're encouraged to be inward, not looking at others but being with yourself. There's some things that people do which make me judgmental and uncomfortable, like making sounds when they exhale, even to the point of almost yelling to express their inner state. Either way, I really LOVE it. It frees me and allows me to tap into what I'm feeling.

This week I was really surprised when I saw one woman crying hard, with several people close in by her, holding her back and giving her sideways hugs. Then, another woman. Then another. I noticed my response was to want to look at them, to confirm - are you crying? Are you okay? It's so rare that people cry in public! It seemed to start escalating and these women were sobbing. At the time the music was louder and thumping, so it wasn't totally audible. But very soon she was bringing the music down as it was towards the end of the hour. The sobbing was sprinkled throughout the room and it made me want to look and see. Who was crying? Why? I rolled onto my back, hugging my knees, and suddenly I wanted to cry too. This is how I cry - two ways - either tears well up into my eyes OR my face scrunches up and only then do tears spill onto my face. I'll admit it, I've always been slightly jealous of people like my sister who start to cry and really cry. Not sobbing, but just letting it out. So I found myself wanting to cry but self-conscious about my squishy face! Interesting. But, it did get me in touch with some pain in my heart, this soft and raw vulnerable feeling of anger mixed with hurt. The rest of the day I was aware of my heart. It was good but also made me realize that I don't want around all the time aware of what I'm feeling in there. Made for a good, quiet Sunday.

floating, trusting

2011-01-21T11:51:00.003-07:00

Isn't this beautiful? I set this as my screen saver and every time I look at it I float away again. Seems like it's the horizon of my life right now, I'm heading into surrender, following, trusting. Pretty awesome.

Now that's a freckle.

2011-01-18T18:14:00.000-07:00

My eye doctor found a what he called a "hmmm" and then "uh, could just be soft of, a, uh, freckle on your retina". It looks about like this picture, though a little bit smaller. So I'm scheduled to see a retina specialist next week, and he said it's to rule out ocular melanoma. My first thought was of my cousin's sweet little boy (age 3-ish?) who has had cancer in both of his eyes and undergone treatment. Precious babe, so brave. So, all in all, I'm not going to worry but just appreciate my health so far these 38 years and wait and see...

Blessingway

2011-01-17T17:43:00.003-07:00

I hosted another blessingway for Amelia and her second baby! It wasn't a tent, but the room was red nonetheless! We began the ritual by circling the altar of shimmering fabric, feathers and Ganesha (the god of wisdom and the remover of obstacles). This walk was to symbolize Amelia circling back to her sisters and shedding the energies from these past months of change and transition. We passed essential oils and each lit our candle. Then she relaxed back onto her throne :-) as we all placed our hands on her belly. We then went around and strung orchid blossoms and beads into a beautiful lai, each with their own wish. It was lovely. I look forward to my blessingways!

New Year! New intentions!

2011-01-05T09:09:00.002-07:00

I am SO READY FOR THIS. Leaving my job especially. SOON. Of course I would need to replace it with something else but I'm ready to leave the shore.

Happy New Year ~ The White Party

2011-01-01T15:12:00.006-07:00

writing

2010-12-27T16:47:00.003-07:00

“I don't believe you can be any good as a writer if you're trying to hide yourself. If you’re trying to be safe, you got no business writing.”

-Dorothy Allison

When I write my book... how am I going to write about sex? Eek! And how do you write about your childhood without betraying your loyalty and love for your family? All remains to be seen...

Christmas 2010 (more pictures)

2010-12-25T15:05:00.006-07:00

Hope yours is better than my little baby...

he had a boo-boo on his bootie
and now can't lick. Driving him nuts!

Sistahs!

I love this new apron I got as a joint gift for my mom and Uncle Bob (when he visits her). He'll look good in that skirt.

Happy birthday Shaya! At Tahona with Josh & Patricia

Moose & Willow, at it again

Christmas Eve

Willow trying to hide from Moosie

Fantastic Host!

2010-12-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite parties of the year! Since my employer doesn't do any company holiday party, it's as close as I can get, and probably way more fun than that would be anyway! I got this fabulous hat from a shop in San Diego that's been selling hats since 1922!

San Diego!

2010-12-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

I won a sales trip on HP for a weekend in San Diego. I stayed at the Hilton Bayfront and enjoyed being a tourist! Snuck in a quick visit with my "little" cousins Brooke & Morgan too.

Toured the Naval aircraft carrier, so cool!

Thanksgiving in Flagstaff, AZ

2010-11-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Also know as the weekend of the Moosie!

Sales Kickoff: Vegas!

2010-11-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

The Federal sales team won FY10 Team of the Year and they surprised us with helicopter rides over the city. WOW it was first class, so much fun. Since I work from home, it's always a treasure to get to see my coworkers (who at the best!). Lots of laughing, lots of fun.

I am a phenonmenon! I am a winner!

2010-11-06T10:45:00.005-07:00

Sound familiar?

I had this vedic astrology reading and it was super bold and made me giggle a lot. We got into co-creating this path that I'm on, with me trying to "figure out" what that even means, what it is that I'm doing (is it therapy? is it coaching?) and where it's heading. Wow the answers were so fun and affirming.

Her first words to me were "Helen, you are a WINNER. Do not put yourself in a box because there is nothing quite like you. You are a PHENOMENON like Oprah!". Then she went on to compare me to Angelina Jolie... who is "a mysterious, slightly twisted and edgy Humanitarian". She could as well have made it a trifecta of my three greatest heroes (Jane Fonda being the third).

I've tried everything over the years to find a profession that is really fun and inspiring for me. I've done career coaching and workbooks to see where I fit in. No industry, no role, no job ever felt like a click. For about two years now I've known and been clear that I would have to create something. That has been so scary. I knew that making my work into art is the only way I would be fulfilled. And, well, damn. This has been confirmed. Now it's time to really trust those paint strokes, explore with total abandon what the hell this really will look like!

She also said AUTHOR and ENTREPRENEUR - all from the foundation of empowering women through their spiritual transformation. Of course, author fits and feels great. Under the umbrella of entrepreneur she saw film, TV, radio, speaking in front of large groups, podcasts, e-books, and one-on-one coaching only for uber powerhouse women (meaning ridiculous hourly rate). Um. Wow. I got really overwhelmed when she suggested a potential model like Ali Brown. This chick is big-time, and her website is glossy & slick. Frankly I was a bit turned off in terms of the pure capitalist flavor of Ali's business. But then I remembered how much the astrologer emphasized that my niche is that of a healer, a spiritual leader "almost like an Evangelist" and "helping already powerful women to get unstuck and move forward". I like that.

So my homework right now is to be finding models of women who are motivational speakers, women who have created their enterprise. I think of deeply spiritual leaders like Byron Katie, Julia Cameron, Esther & Jerry Hicks. They sell not only a large portfolio of products (CDs, Books, calendars, journals) but lead workshops and speak around the world. I need to get comfortable with the scale of their brand but also the revenue streams they have created for themselves. For me this is about letting go of the thinking that earning that much money is bad, and expanding into how would I use that money? Where can I contribute? How can I continue the gift-receive-give-receive cycle?

Lastly, regarding film, what delightful things are going to come of this! I won't say more right now but Shaya and I have an idea we are super excited about for a documentary about powerful women. We are still in brainstorming mode but it's going to be so fun and so easy for me. This is a sign that I'm on the right track!

Phenomenon:

a : a rare or significant fact or event
b : an exceptional, unusual, or abnormal person, thing, or occurrence

P.S. For years I have searched for a "theme song" that represents my life, that I could play anytime and would reliable get me into a powerful place, which made me smile and feel free. Here it is... "Magic" by B.o.B

Freedom!

2010-11-03T10:49:00.004-07:00

I am so inspired today about the fortune of being an American.

Despite the divided politics, despite the "economy"...

I am so grateful to live in this time in this place.

I am so blessed with great fortunes and opportunities.

I am an empowered woman who can do what I want.

I can say what I want and not be persecuted.

Sometimes I forget but then I remember... I love my life!

Situations, Circumstances, Illusions

2010-11-01T13:15:00.002-07:00

I feel totally unraveled today.

Circumstances rousing a devil

"The Past"

I slip too far below

it dipped me, unexpected

off kilter

driving crooked

I feel heavy and lost

memories

it's all pushed me back

back

reminding me

to be Here

I am not There

I am Here

but the shades,

they are drawn

and I see her,

I remember her

She scares me.

All the fears

that should not be mine

I am child,

not Mother

Girlfriends

2010-10-27T07:34:00.004-07:00

I took a (my "signature) picture last night of some of my girlfriends and wondered how many other gf self-portrait shots I had... I found one in every single recent picture folder! I feel SO BLESSED to have so many incredible, supportive, loving, kind and emotionally intelligent friends.

Mwah mwah mwah.

Housewarming party (Claire, Shaya, Nate - OOPS NOT A GIRL - Caroline & me)

A&R out for some kookiness

Shira's wedding (Becca, Kasia, Jen, Katia & me)

My 38th bday (Kate, Becca, Jamie, Patricia, Shaya & me)

Hiking in Vail (Shaya, me & Jen)

Abundance Circle Sistahs (Shaya, Kate, Laurie & me)

this video's gonna make me famous

2010-10-21T15:11:00.001-07:00

Inaugural video from Helen Kearney on Vimeo.

Asking for what I want

2010-10-20T07:28:00.001-07:00

After a thoughtful conversation with my friend, I realized what I want with my new coaching endeavors. I want clients who are ready to dig deep in our sessions and who are looking to form an long-term and ongoing treatment relationship with me. Although I do appreciate the one-hit-wonders of my psychic readings, I'm always left wanting to dive more into what came up in those readings. I want them to come back because the more I get to know someone, the more effective my work is with them. For now, I want two client sessions a week, on Tuesdays... just to be clear, oh great Universe who creates magical results!

Birth and Breath

2010-10-18T15:52:00.003-07:00

A few weeks ago I took a course called The Body Never Lies: Psychology of Symptoms. It was FAR more powerful than I ever could have imagined. It's very difficult to describe the intensity and freedom that came from this experience. The instructor worked with me in front of the room and my symptom was anxiety. Very quickly and in the most surreal, bizarre, miraculous sequence of events, my body worked its way back to birth. I was gasping for air, letting go of my breath, floating away, coming back again, my lungs full of silence. I was born at home, back when they didn't have all the fancy (excessive) monitoring instruments of today, and I remember the story that the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck.

After class I asked my mom about this and she said she remembers that the cord was displaced in a way that my head was pressing down on it, probably cutting off oxygen. The doctor was able to re-locate the cord (happened twice), and my assumption is that I probably was semi-anesthetized by the lack of oxygen.

In that seminar, in front of the class, with witnesses, I went through only what could be called a birth-simulation. Now, even though I probably seem like a super woo woo to some of you, if I were to have read about this experience I would have been skeptical. But because it happened to me and was SO far out there, I now believe in the impact of birth trauma and also how it can be healed. My body was running the show, and it was literally going through every motion that you might expect from a baby who was suffocating and struggling. I was there as an observer, but my head wasn't orchestrating this.

Over the past year I've learned (and been very cynical about) many "ideas" about the world of the Soul, the etheric body, etc. But as time has gone on, a lot of pieces of the puzzle are coming together in a way that I'm becoming a believer of things I never would have imagined. One of my firm new beliefs is that we as a Soul "choose" our next life, and that in between lives we evaluate our past life, what we learned, then plan for what we want in our next life. I highly recommend a book I read about this called Many Lives, Many Masters. The reason I'm writing about that is that while the Facilitator was working with me, during long periods of me not breathing, one of the Assistants would say "remember why you wanted to come!". Oh, man, THAT would make me fight to breathe! I came to do big things, oh yes I did.

There was another extraordinary exercise where I met two sides of myself, the Right and Left side. The left represents the feminine and the side of me that is recklessly adventuring (so much that my mom's parting words to me are always "BE SAFE HELEN"). What I saw during this exercise is how much the Right side has been in the driver's seat, keeping me safe and navigating the roads. This side has pushed me to be successful, to have a career, do responsible things and "make something" of myself. Now that it's time to wander into a new profession, I had to make room for the Right side to come along, but let the Left side drive.

Practicing...

2010-10-18T10:14:00.004-07:00

Introducing yet another fun dress-up party! And it looks like I have a new Doppelgänger, Bristol Palin. The theme of this burning man Decompression party was "Suburbia"so I went for the pregnant teenager who preaches abstinence. In fact she is the Teen Abstinence Ambassador. Isn't that awesome?

Shaya killed it in her '60s housewife getup - complete with press-on nails and martini.

Amy & Ronica directing the traffic

Caroline & Nate (who was very proud of his pipe, by the way)

With all that jumping around, I had to hold on tight to my baby so it wouldn't fall out.
Bob! I never knew...

All silliness aside, and as you'll see by a coming blog post, this 38th year I'm cooking up some big life transitions, and as usual I'm speaking them before they happen: marriage, baby, house, garden and new profession! In that order, I'm not sure? So the foam that was stuffed in front of my belly oddly simulated pregnancy quite well and was a bit of a reality check. It was pressing on my belly so I was very aware of it, and all through the night I had to sort of squat or move around it when I would bend over. Waddle waddle waddle. Look out, new reality, here I come!

Visiting the Mother ship

2010-10-14T15:15:00.001-07:00

After a long blog break... I'm back! Patricia and I went to visit my mom in Stockton, CA. She's uber happy, loving her new job which is proving to be the big challenge she hoped it would be. We were really excited to see that she lives in the safest part of down and next to this beautiful path right on the water, lots of trees and birds! There's even a farmer's market on Sundays right across the street. It's not Boulder but it's working for her!

Sisters who have belt clips on their cell phones are Very Important People.
We drove northeast about an hour through the rolling golden hills up to Sutter Creek, a well-preserved gold town from the mid to late 1800's. Really beautiful.

Then KK drove over from San Francisco with her little man Sammy. As you can see she's got another one growing in there and it's a girl! Can't wait to meet her.

psychology of symptoms

2010-09-24T20:49:00.001-07:00

This is the name of the course I'm taking this weekend. Everyone went around and named their symptom and just talking about everyone's physical issues made me add stress to my list! Oh, wait, anxiety is already on mine!

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caller id

2010-09-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

I love my new phone caller id. It automatically puts in the facebook profile picture, but if I would rather something else, I can choose and the picture clarity is awesome. So I'm considering one of these three for my momma. Oh I miss her SO! Almost her birfday...

Summer food pics!

2010-09-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

Daily bites...

2010-09-07T10:06:00.004-07:00

Here's Willow, oblivious to the raging fire in the foothills of Boulder. I left my windows open last night and woke at 4am choking from smoke which had blown into Boulder. Dizzy this morning but safe.

And, on another note, I sanded my patio deck railing yesterday to apply a new coat of sealer. Here's my getup!

Shira gets married...

2010-08-23T13:44:00.012-07:00

Oh I love this girl with all my heart. Such a beautiful bride and such a lovely person with a huge heart. I played the Wedding Planner for Elyse's wedding (her sister), so I kept it in the family and performed round two. I always forget how much work goes into it until the Friday before. I'm pretty much exhausted but not ONE moment was a regret. It fills me up to know that I was able to help them. It was a stunning outdoor wedding full of lots of magic and some of my closest friends.

It had better be Incredible!

2010-08-17T12:02:00.003-07:00

Will it live up to its name? I know I have a ridiculously impulsive nature, and for this one I knowingly chose to buy this even though I am backwards as far as my paycheck to bills ratio. This in no way is as bad as it sounds, since yesterday I closed a $300k deal and know I'll be getting a nice check next month to help me put $$ back into savings that I had to take out the past two months. Anyway, everytime I close a good sized deal (that I feel I've really earned - sometimes I just get a "bluebird" that books and I consider luck), I try to treat myself to something. So, boy oh boy is this a treat. I'm SO excited. Hopefully mercury in retrograde doesn't play tricks on me.

Halfway to Equinox...

2010-08-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

Sweet ritual with Jamie & Jen... celebrating Llamas, the mid-point between the summer solstice and fall equinox. The energy is harvest, Leo, "I WILL". She had us answer the following (and here are my declarations):

I am Helen

Queen of my universe

I desire Health

I will re-balance

Ahh, a beach vaycay

2010-08-13T14:27:00.003-07:00

San Diego! Mexican Food! Family! Sun! Beach!

Okay this was cool. La Jolla shores has these caves you can kayak into, but we found a little shop that built some stairs so that you can go get a peek!

Careful what I ask for!

2010-08-04T06:23:00.000-07:00

I love this picture! It really is where I'm at right now. I've been having nightmares for weeks and waking up at night with stress about work. I'm pretty much in the hot seat because I was at 36% quota last month. My boss literally said I was a weak link on the team! I'm doing the best I can but it's quite hard digging myself out of the hole. Anyway, for the past two months I've been asking for something to kick me in the pants and really get fired up to work. This morning I realized that indeed my request was granted, but not in a desirable form!! The answer is my boss has been all over me, instant messaging and calling me ALL DAY LONG. One of the things I love about my job is it's super autonomous and basically I catch up with him about once a week. However, as my updates have been lukewarm and we both realize there's two months left in the government's fiscal year, we gotta get on it. I decided to ask for help and support yesterday, in the form of him helping me call customers on quotes that have been hanging out there for months. Oh god it's NOT FUN. I like my boss a bunch but he's also been in sales for ten years more than me, and it's rough to get criticism about what I'm not doing right. I don't get enough information in the first place, these deals are too old, etc.

All I can do now is swallow my pride, keep swimming and work on the way I am reacting to my so-called poor performance. I'm trying to remember that I am not my results. I am Spirit, I am goodness, always and forever. No matter how big I "fail", I'm always intact. I have my values, my energy, my health and my talents. More importantly, I have my life path and passion, and I know exactly what I'm meant to do in my life. The knowledge is so precious and I want to congratulate myself on having found that answer. I searched for so so long to identify my passion. How great that I finally know, without a doubt. And it is unfolding, I have to remember that. The more I lean into working with women and helping them claim their power, the more I recognize that I'm damn good at that!

hundred grand...

2010-08-01T21:14:00.001-07:00

What would you do if $100k (net) dropped into your lap? I'm asking this call tonight on my women's abundance circle call. No surprise here:

Quit my job
Build my coaching business
Write my book

In the past when I would ask myself that question, I would definitely NOT quit my job. This was a great feeling, a confirmation, that my life was complete and I was totally content. Not so anymore. However, I'm trying to focus on why this job is perfect for me right now.

Also, I had a realization last night. As much as I fear losing my job, or not having enough in savings (to cover months when I don't sell enough to cover bills), there's one thing in my back pocket that's a nice reserve - my BMW! Feel pretty sure I could get $7k for it, and wow that could hold me over for months. That was a great relief for some reason.

High School reunions...

2010-08-01T19:23:00.004-07:00

I went to my high school reunion in Tucson, AZ this weekend. 20 years! Actually I didn't graduate from this high school but left the summer between my junior & senior year. It was super cool to be back though, and there were about five people I was very excited to see. I was surprised how many people recognized me. Plus I was reminded how beautiful Tucson is. Stunning sunsets, big mountain view...

Another reading....

2010-08-01T19:16:00.002-07:00

Feminine power,

staph with delicate bells

little baby being

feeling, letting go

wow another super fun reading

I'm really beginning to trust myself...

Photo Shoot - time to vote

2010-07-29T08:25:00.003-07:00

I need a picture for my website so my friend Niki helped me out.

Which one do you like?

The orchid reading

2010-07-27T15:56:00.002-07:00

Today, she was an orchid....

Playing under the willow tree as a little girl...

The images I get for readings are so beautiful and they just unfold and become more rich and detailed as I speak about them. Now that I'm working with absolute strangers, I have a lot of nervousness because I don't know if what I'm saying resonates. Where this whole psychic thing started in the first place was that after I meet people, the more we talk the more I share with them about who they are. The more we talk the more I see. I've practiced so many readings on my friends that I'm able to USE all that I know about them personally (their stories, their insecurities, their hopes etc.), and it makes the reading feel very rich to me. Plus, after the session and then next time I see them, we're able to talk about how things resonated for them. They validate me and what I said/saw. This whole stranger business, wow it's pushing me to the limit! It's definitely hard hard hard not to hear them after the reading talk about what it meant, did it hit home for them, etc.

During today's today, the Orchid woman asked me to read her dog, then she said two different dog names (N & T). I was confused and she said T had just passed but was in a good place, so read N. My mistake was I didn't close the communication with the deceased dog, and a good way into the reading she said, "I think that's T that you're reading!". She then described how T was and that was *absolutely* the energy I was seeing. She was goofy and happy and bouncing around, whereas N is this more serious, grounded and quiet dog! On the one hand it was cool (validating) that I had nailed T's energy, but I got super thrown off by that and felt kind of silly. It took me a long while to get back into a reading space to see clearly, but I'm learning. I'll remember that for a long time!

I'm allergic to the wrong man!

2010-07-25T20:17:00.005-07:00

Wowsers. Yesterday I saw an energy healer who does work with the "psychology of symptoms". As I've been doing more readings, I've been called to do more of the energetic clearing in the body, and thought not only would he help with chronic plumbing backup, but I would be able to witness and learn from a powerful energy worker. It completely exceeded my expectations and I'm super excited to take his weekend training course in September.

The first thing he saw was that the energy direction of my intestines was going backwards. In other words instead of going clockwise and out, it was coming up from the colon back into my body. How crazy is that? I knew right away that it came from the blunt force from the first time I had sex. [This link & what I write in italics below is upsetting material, so please pause and consider if you want to get into that space before you click and read!] Isn't it NOT funny that this is how I phrase being date raped the first time I had sex?

We went to work on this, and man that guy + me working with my energetic body + my angels & guides went 100 MPH into my healing. The recap:

I have always thought it was my fault and that I was bad.

I drank, I flirted, I was drunk, it was my fault.

WHAT THE FUCK??

He came upstairs after I went to sleep.

He didn't ask. He knew I was a virgin.

I was 100% blacked out.

He didn't ask.

I've held that I'm bad for exactly 20 years.

Punishing myself for what I did wrong actually kept me safe.

I was able to then make all the right choices and keep me out of danger.

We spent some time investigating where I could find compassion for myself.

I was excited about him coming to the party!

I had a crush on him.

He was the first person I had gone on a real date with.

This was date #3.

I didn't drink! I had no idea when to stop.

I flirted heavily with him at the party - but of course I did!

I left the party because I knew I needed to leave & go to bed.

The next morning my friend's response created my reality.

It was untrue and not supportive and loving,

and put into the context of just something that happened.

There was no support.

In the first moment of pain, my mind went to the jacuzzi outside.

My brother, my friends, they were out there.

Come, help! But I didn't speak.

So I felt no support.

I didn't even think to call my mom.

A similar thing happened to her and she would have soothed me.

That morning, washing the sheets worrying about the blood stains.

That was my biggest concern.

I went to work, selling shoes, spaced out.

Part of me sort of excited - a rite of passage,

part seriously confused.

I was alone, no support.

I felt horrible inside.

I have worked on this in therapy for years and years, but never fully got the extent the of self-blame. It grew into tight chords of punishment, criticism, needing to be perfect. I could feel it in my 3rd (power) chakra and that 16 year-old did NOT want to let go. If she did let it go, how would she ever protect herself?

He asked me what was underneath the "I'm bad". "I just want to be loved", a 3-4 year old. We went back there and searched for who most gave me that love. I could feel it but couldn't locate who it was. Suddenly he sad it was a protector spirit, an angelic being of light. My grandmother Helen, maybe? For a long time, he had me lean back to feel support, and I felt the brutal weight of self-protection and control drain down my back. He went into my liver and saw anger. That drained. My hip sockets started expanding. He gasped as more angels and light beings came into the room. He kept saying, you have SO much support!!

And then he asked about my coaching, do you work with women? Oh, yeah he did. We talked about how our greatest gold is where we are most blocked. This is my final frontier. I'm going to support women around their sexual healing, their feminine power, their guts, their health, self-blame and asking for support. He saw my path, and said that I absolutely am going to help gobs of women around this. I thought it was cool that he was the one who brought it up. It felt good but also I already know that so it's simply more validation.

Lastly he asked if I wanted kids and how old I was. Cue the fears of oh god oh shit am I not going to be able to have kids?? But he simply wanted to clear all of this out of my womb so my children don't inherit these fierce patterns. Awesome, take it! Then he looked into my space around a future long-term relationship and validated that the right man is coming, and that it is with this man that I will heal sexually. And he kept saying, you have to have the RIGHT man. You know this.

Then a lightbulb went off and he said one of the best / funniest thing anyone has ever said to me, "it's like you're ALLERGIC to the wrong man!". This is precisely how I have felt most of my life. The very second I meet a man I am a yes or a no. There's only been a small handful that have come near a yes, and usually they were a maybe. So here's to that beautiful future and more healing...

Summer Scenes

2010-07-25T05:22:00.000-07:00

Who can guess what these nasty things are? The answer is in my comments section!

Fear of change

2010-07-22T15:33:00.003-07:00

Do you love this picture or what?!

I'm looking at the energy of my fear and resistance to change.

Predictability and comfort stand in opposition to change.

Capital C.

But predictability is static, like an idling car.

Will run out of gas or like a laptop, go to sleep.

And yes, I've been asleep. Snoozing.

Literally, figuratively.

Resistance to change. Fear of change.

How much of that fear is mine and how much others?

I'm used to more of a black and white change.

I'm quitting this job and starting that one.

Things aren't working in this relationship so let's cut it off.

And yet there is a pool of energy,

a bubbling of excitement ready to burst...

the ready spring of a lion

getting ready to amp up my energy,

to a new level, a higher vibration

me having permission to choose

letting go of the fear of what may come

as I leave something and hold space for another

I'm not speaking in tongues, by the way! I don't know what I'm leaving but as usual I'm rambling out my thoughts and feelings with not much forethought or editing for that matter. What I have been appreciating lately is going back to a random month in my blog's history and reading about what I was working on then. Pretty cool to have that look-back!

free of fear

2010-07-19T20:03:00.005-07:00

You have NO fear of healing others, she said

Do you understand that is a big deal?

You have NO fear of healing others,

yet you have fear about everything else.

FEAR

Familiar

Darkness

Ignoring

Avoiding

Annoying!

I got a reading yesterday from the sweet Julie Cobb, one of the major mentors in my life around psychic stuff. She is the one who pushed me gently over the edge into trusting that I need to start my practice. Since it's totally "on the side" and not my day job, I had been postponing it until the "someday/later". When does someday/later ever come? I pulled a tarot card a few weeks ago with the question about starting my side biz and got POSTPONING. HA. Shocker.

Anyway, I have been super freaking out progressively over the past 12 weeks about my day job. For the last two years I've been successfully playing with intentions with my sales. Over and over, every month, if I reliably put energy into my workday, just doing simple things, sales would flow in. Often it was none of the deals I was even working on, but it seemed that energy out always equaled energy in.

Then, in May things started to hit bottom, with $60k booked. My three month quota is $400k. So I had $340k to go. Usually if I have a small month the next is bursting. My business has almost always just come in, customer inquiries, referrals from the field or partners, old customers coming back for me. So I set new intentions for June and then watched as nothing happened. Incoming emails slowed down to almost nothing and I booked $0. ZERO. That has never happened to me. At first it didn't bother me, I just trusted things would turn around. That's been the big thing over the past two years, I've developed trust that everything always works out.

And so far, 20 days into July and 10 days away from the end of the quarter, I am totally embarrassed and DEVASTATED that my projections look like I'll be around 20% of quota. Because we ramp up with higher quota each quota, I'll have $1M to make up in the last two months of the fiscal year. That's a huge huge huge number. Ugh.

After the reading I saw that "the Universe" always sends us exactly what we need. This message I'm getting right now is fierce and clear. It's got my attention. I have to deal with what it means to be failing. I have to confront my value and my self-esteem as it relates to external results. Can I validate myself no matter what the world tells me? Can I empower myself and honor my bigness no matter what any outside measurement tells me? Can I keep going even when the cards are stacked against me? Whew. I know I can come back around, I always do.

The other message I'm getting is I have to admit my passion has worn thin for this job. What is next? How can I have my day job reflect my strengths? I want to be establishing long-term partnerships, to be a liaison and a project manager. In many ways this job holds no challenge for me. I don't find sales to be difficult, well, at least the kind of sales I'm doing. I just keep making the calls and asking to talk to the right person until I get the answers. I make friends easily so usually the people I'm speaking with give me the name. I need to return to what I do love about this job, and pronto. That will help lift my spirits. I absolutely love hitting my number. It's such a measurable result and it comes with a bonus of extra money! Woo hoo. For years I worked at jobs that had fixed pay. Despite extra work you would get a flat paycheck. I've been thinking about if that would work for me again. I think in some ways it would, as long as the annual salary is commiserate to what I feel I'm "worth".

So, onward. Today is a new day!

Another reading

2010-07-18T11:47:00.001-07:00

Since really my work healing with others heals me, I have been looking at what has been coming up in the readings for me to look at. Third client so far that hasn't been wanting to "see" something. It's my fear about money and really the larger lesson about how my value isn't connected to anything external.

So the person I read on Sunday was very powerful for me. I've taken my intuitive/readings to the next layer of healing the physical space for the person I'm reading. While I only put my hands on their feet or top of head, I can see the energy releasing. This particular person was referred by their physical therapist due to persistent pain that hasn't been relieved by years of PT. I had to let go of an outcome that I would relieve the specific physical pain, and I was glad I did because the information that came through was much more about themes for her to look at.

I've also been seeing a lot about the feminine/masculine sides of the body. Feminine (giving/receiving) is the left and Masculine (external goals & protection) is the right. Most women seem to give too much and therefore have physical depletion in the left side of their body. I've been having CRAZY clarity around my seeing of the left/ride side, and the visuals are so intense! It's a real practice to stay objective and not worry about whether or not they "get it" or find it valuable.

she doesn't see

she doesn't speak

she is permeable,

soaks others in

she doesn't see

she doesn't fight

the lion's rage,

a warrior underneath

she doesn't see

the fear inside,

she doesn't know how

she begins to see

begins to fight

beings to rage

and see her light

good for her!

and the beauty unfolds...

2010-07-16T07:12:00.004-07:00

I went to the Lilith Fair on Tuesday and a highlight was hearing my favorite artist of ALL, Sarah Mclachlan. The BIG highlight though was a pretty sweet synchronicity. More and more for the past few years I've developed the firm believe that "wait and receive" is my best policy. In other words, the more masculine MAKE IT HAPPEN, more linear, approach to my goals gets me results that aren't always in my best interest. And, making it happen usually causes a lot of stress for me. For the past few months or so my excitement has been rapidly fading for my job, a lot of it related to not selling. I don't want to say too much other than that as I try not to talk about work on here! Anway, as you know, I've been heading down the track of doing readings in my spare time and lo and behold it's all booming quite nicely... things are coming up roses without me trying at all.

So at the concert, I walked by this woman and thought she looks like Angela Shelton. Angela is someone I've followed for years and find her totally inspiring. She set out in an RV back in 2001 to make a film about women. She called up all the Angela Sheltons she could find in the U.S. and interviewed them. What she found was that over HALF of them were survivors of domestic violence, rape, incest and neglect. The film was called "Searching for Angela Shelton" and was a huge success. Her web bio says it best:

Angela has spoken in Congress, universities, military bases, high schools, elementary schools, community centers, conferences and seminars worldwide. Her multi-award winning film Searching for Angela Shelton put a spotlight on sexual abuse and domestic violence and began a grassroots movement of healing for abuse survivors worldwide. The United States Justice Department presented Angela with a certificate of appreciation for her hard work on behalf of crime victims. She was presented with the Voice of Courage award from Darkness to Light, an organization with the goal of ending childhood sexual abuse. The mayor of Asheville, NC made April 29th Angela Shelton Day in honor of all abuse survivors. Angela has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Larry King Live, 48 Hours Investigates, NPR, Lifetime Television for Women and the cover of the New York Times. Angela’s memoir, Finding Angela Shelton, is mandatory reading in many Women’s Studies programs. Angela became a Superhero for children and won an Emmy for her performance in The Safe Side video series created by Baby Einstein’s Julie Clark. Angela’s mission is to inspire and empower people to heal and lead joyful lives.

Pretty cool person eh? Anyway I looked twice and when I saw her right food red converse, left foot green converse, I knew it was her. I approached her and she was in Denver for 48 hours showing her film, and happened to be going to Boulder the next day for an hour (how crazy is that coincidence?). So we had lunch and then the next morning I gave her a reading/healing. It totally rocked. I felt so completely free and there was no feeling of power differential, it was a just new friend. She already sent me a referral for a reading. I know and trust it's MY energetic space and freedom of Being that drew someone so successful and bold and totally cool in. She's been such a huge resource in the healing community and I sense that I'll learn from all her experiences over the past few years. Again, pretty cool eh??

Psychic babble & in honor of the pooch Canella

2010-07-11T20:51:00.006-07:00

Well, all that psychic school has really taught me something after all.

I was at a workshop yesterday, for doing house and business healings, and the two other women who had taken the four month animal communication class with me (Barbara & Sarah) were there. I actually almost ditched the class, I just have had so much going on and haven't had a full weekend to myself... but decided I would go in for the first two hours. You can usually call in by phone but something had me go into the Center. I remember being surprised to see both Sarah and Barbara there, I just didn't expect them to take that class for some reason

At break, Barbara brought her little doggie Canella in, who we had done some healings on in our previous class. Immediately I realized something was wrong, Canella sounded like a combination of a bad asthma attack, laryngitis and coughing. Her tongue was hanging altogether too far out of her month, off to the side and was a very dark color. I knew she was very old and Barbara said she had gotten over-heated in the car. Hope, our instructor, started up class again but could tell that the 15 of us in the room were distracted with concern for Canella. So Barbara took Canella in the other room, and when I saw Sarah get up and follow, so did I.

For the next 30 minutes I realized exactly why I had come to class, it was to help Canella and Barbara. We had just done a class on "setting the space" for an animal's death, and the magic that happened in the room was palpable. It was totally surreal, at times the three of us would look up and say something like we would in class, "I'm going to work on her lungs now to help her breathe" or "I'm sending her cobalt blue" (visualizing cobalt blue is a very powerful pain-antidote). It was just like we were in class, in synch, all of us focused on helping Canella.

The most powerful work I did, though, was around fear. After a year of clairvoyant classes (which I'm realizing I haven't talked much here about), it's boiled down to a few nuggets, some core lessons. It's kind of hard not to get into psycho-babble, so I'll try to break it down. My instructors have said over and over that to "give a healing" ALL you have to do is "blow your matching pictures". Oy this is hard to describe. Basically, bottom line, I felt Canella's fear. She was scared and confused and wasn't understanding that she was approaching death. I "matched" her fear, I "lit up" with my own fear (it was very scary watching a living being not be able to breathe! I didn't know how to "help" her and I couldn't do anything to help, actually. I was afraid of if she died, I was afraid of if she didn't die, etc). So all I did in that moment was to work on energetically "blowing up" my fear pictures. See, these words?! That's what it's been like in class, trying to understand in my head what they mean about how all I have to do when I give a healing is blow my own stuff. But oh my god did I get it! The emotions I were feeling were SO INTENSE and so raw, it was crazy. There was no escape. I could have escaped it by letting all the tension go into my body, but what I did was take it out of my body. It was surreal and I really really got the gift it is to give a healing. It's a healing for me actually. They say that over and over but I really get it. I got to dissolve FEAR. Not fear "of" xyz but just FEAR itself.

At one point our friend Stacia - also in the room - said that she thought that Canella needed to complete her heart-to-heart connection with Barbara and know that she was going to be okay. When we turned back from looking at Stacia saying that, Canella had gotten up in Barbara's lap and was practically up in her neck on her heart! Barbara began to rock her and tell her she could go, that she would be okay, and sweet Canella took her final breaths. Tears all around.

It all flowed from there, we could see her running around as she met up with Penny, her old doggie friend who had died a few years back. She was so happy and excited and free, she could breathe! After a bit though she started to realize what was happening and that she would have to say good-bye to Barbara. She came back over to Barbara, laid her head in her lap, and then the entire room lifted and I could feel her spirit leave. This lightness of Being and sense of high vibration / Spirit filled us all.

Isn't that intense? Amazing! Beautiful. Synchronicity. Validating.

Couch envy

2010-07-09T10:07:00.004-07:00

Right now I have one two three couches in my living room! I originally bought this super cute one from Cost Plus World market, got it home and realized it just wasn't deep enough. I like to work on my couch and so need to cross my legs as a desk for my laptop, and immediately knew it wasn't big enough. So I have to return it. Sad face
I kept looking and found my new couch on a great 4th of July sale! It's a bit "firm" but better that than having saggy cushions after a year. Hopefully all my sitting will soften it up. And then there's my *original* couch which I'm trying to sell (Katia do you remember when we bought this six years ago for $200??):

It's kind of amazing to me how much I can fit in my little living room!

4th of July

2010-07-08T08:04:00.006-07:00

Good times good-bye barbeque @ Patricia's rooftop pool. How gorgeous is that?

Shaya's new do - wish I had gone that short in the back when mine was short!

Moose is fast like a hummingbird and hard to get good pictures of!

I was fascinated by his big ol' tongue but not so much when he tried to lick mine!

So long... farewell...

2010-07-06T10:25:00.001-07:00

We got my mom all packed off for her new adventures in Stockton. Before she left I put together a long slideshow of some favorite pictures of her (as her "60th birthday present" - only a year and a half late!). This was originally meant to be put into a book but there are so so many I don't know which ones to put in. here's some of my favorites from her childhood.

T minus 4 days

2010-07-01T12:46:00.001-07:00

Yep, momma is moving to Stockton, CA on Monday. Yikes! We have been smothering her with family dinners and time together (her adopted daughter Shaya included). Sigh, sadness, but happy for her as well.

Lobstahs!

2010-06-29T14:01:00.001-07:00

My friends had a lobster summery party. How great is that?!

Cuisin-cole slaw

2010-06-29T13:55:00.001-07:00

Woo hoo! I finally treated myself to a Cuisinart. I can't believe I've never gotten one of these for myself. For Christmas my mom got me a Vita-Mix and now my kitchen is ready for some gourmet entertaining.

The only problem is that I'm messy. Coleslaw on the counter and the floor.

First client!

2010-06-25T09:18:00.001-07:00

Had my first session last night (two hours). Client enjoyed so much they booked three more - and insisted on paying me $40/hour. Cool!